


Did I Even Make A Sound?

by theultimatefangirl2002



Series: Did I Even Make A Sound? [3]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Basically the whole musical from Evan's POV, Character Death (but y'all knew this), Evan Hansen's Inner Monologue, Evan's very sad, Gen, How Do I Tag, If I Could Tell Her, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Only Us, Panic, Panic Attack, SINCERELY ME, Sad, So Big So Small, To Break In A Glove, Words Fail, You Will Be Found, anxiety attack, disappear, finale, for forever, good for you, my poor boy, waving through a WINDOW
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2018-08-23
Packaged: 2019-02-24 11:21:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 71,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13212687
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/theultimatefangirl2002/pseuds/theultimatefangirl2002
Summary: 'Dear Evan Hansen.' The words were easy enough to type, but Dr. Sherman had told him to say them out loud. It was bad enough he had to write letters to himself for therapy- if he had to say them out loud while he was typing them, it would make him feel like even more of a freak. 'Today is going to be a good day and here’s why.'





	1. Silent and Invisible

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own the dialogue or the characters or the plot. I only own my writing.
> 
> TW from suicidal thoughts and negative self-talk

_Dear Evan Hansen _. The words were easy enough to type, but Dr. Sherman had told him to say them out loud. It was bad enough he had to write letters to himself for therapy- if he had to say them out loud while he was typing them, it would make him feel like even more of a freak.

 

 _Today is going to be a good day and here’s why_ . Evan couldn’t think of a single reason. It was the first day of school. His arm was broken- that might raise questions, if people cared enough to ask (which most of them wouldn’t because Evan was Evan and no one liked Evan) and Evan wasn’t sure he could handle the questions. So he went with the completely bullshit response that had been supplied to him by his therapist. _Because today, all you have to do is just be yourself_.

 

It was ridiculous- being himself had gotten him nowhere. He had to be so much more than _Evan_ to make an impression on people that wasn’t “Evan Hansen- the weird kid who talks too much and stammers too much and has meltdowns in class” “Evan Hansen- the kid who runs to the bathroom to have panic attacks and disrupts people who are trying to smoke drugs or just take a piss” “Evan Hansen- the kid who tried to kill himself this summer”.

 

His thoughts began to rapidly pour on the page. _But also confident. That’s important. And interesting. Easy to talk to. Approachable. But Mostly be yourself. That’s the big, that’s number one. Be yourself. Be true to yourself_ . _But also, though, don’t worry about whether your hands are going to get sweaty for no reason and you can’t make it stop no matter what you do, because they’re not going to get sweaty, so I don’t even know why you’re bringing it up, because it’s not going to happen, because you’re just, all you have to do is be yourself_.

 

Evan sighed. It sounded pathetic. He _was_ pathetic and as soon as Dr. Sherman read it, he’d realize how stupid Evan was and he wouldn’t want to try and help Evan anymore and he’d tell Evan’s mom and she’d hate him even more and… He shut his eyes, shaking his head, forcing himself to finish the letter- maybe to try and rewrite the letter so it sounded less stupid, but he kept going almost without meaning too.

 

_I’m not even going to worry about it though, seriously, because it’s not like, it’s- it’s not going to be like that time you had the perfect chance to introduce yourself to Zoe Murphy at the jazz band concert last year- when you waited afterwards just to talk to her and tell her how good she was and you were going to pretend to be super casual like you didn’t even know her name. Like she would introduce herself and you’d be like “I’m sorry I didn’t hear you- Chloe? You said your name was Chloe?” and then she’d be like “No it’s Zoe, I said Zoe” and you’d be like, “Oh, well see, I thought you said Chloe because I’m just- I’m very busy with other stuff right now is the thing”. But you didn’t even end up saying anything to her because you were scared your hands were sweaty- which they weren’t that sweaty until you started worrying that they were sweaty, which made them sweaty, so you put them under the hand dryer in the bathroom. But they were still sweaty, they were just very warm now as well._

 

He sighed, shaking his head. It was pathetic- it really was. His ramblings on and on about his failures in some letter to himself for his therapist, who didn’t really care about him or want to help because who would want to help someone as broken and stupid as Evan?

 

Evan heard his mom walk in and shut his laptop quickly so she couldn’t see what he was doing. He wasn’t doing anything bad- Evan didn’t think he could do anything bad without freaking out- but still, the thought of his mother leaning over his shoulder, reading his letter filled him with… well, anxiety.

 

“So you just decided not to eat last night?” His mom was standing there, holding the $20 bill in her hand (the one Evan had supposed to have used last night to order take out, but he hadn’t been hungry, hadn’t wanted to waste money, and couldn’t use the phone without freaking out). She looked tired- but when did she not look tired? Between caring for her patients at the hospital and trying to figure out what the hell was happening with Evan, his mom barely got any time to herself to just _relax_. In a way, she never left work- just moving from one patient right to the next. That’s all Evan really was- another patient.

 

“I wasn’t… hungry.” Evan answered lamely, one hand pulling on the hard cast that surrounded his left arm. Evan wanted to rip it off so he could just forget what had happened- but, of course, he had to have broken his arm, so not only had it not worked, but it had hurt like hell _and_ he had to have a reminder plastered on his arm for 6-12 weeks.

 

His mom shook her head, looking sadly at Evan. He hated it when she looked at him like that. “You’re a senior in high school, Evan. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I’m at work.” Her eyes lit up slightly as she remembered something. “You can do it all online now! YOu don’t have to talk to anyone on the phone. I know you don’t like the phone.”

 

Evan looked away, hating himself for being so _stupid_ \- other people can use the phone no problem, but Evan? Holding on gave him anxiety, let alone using it to text or call someone. He couldn’t see their expression so he wouldn’t know if he had fucked up- and he read way too much into situations when he _could_ see their faces. Without seeing them, Evan could imagine their expressions- staring down at him with a mixture of anger and pity like “he’s so pathetic” “the only reason I’m talking to him is because I have too”- and by that point, he would already be panicking and have to shut the phone off so they wouldn’t hear him. “Yeah, but that’s not true actually.” Evan said quickly, looking back up at his mom before seeing her expression and dropping his gaze again. “You have to talk to the delivery person when they come to the door. Then they have to make change, you have to stand there while it’s silent and they’re counting the change and…” He trailed off, forcing himself to shut up. He sounded so pathetic. This was why everyone hated him.

 

“Okay, this is what you’re supposed to be working on, Evan, with Dr. Sherman?” His mom said, gesturing around his room. “Talking, to people. Engaging with people! Not running away from people!”

 

She sounded so _hopeful_ that Evan might be able to engage with people that he felt guilty for knowing that he would let her down, the way he let everyone down. “You’re right,” Evan said softly, looking down at his cast again, pulling at the irritated edge. “I’m going to be a lot better…”

 

His mom’s voice changed, sounding sympathetic and back to the always-happy Heidi Hansen that Evan knew, like he was still a child that needed to be babied. Of course, he was. He could barely handle anything- as he had already proven today. “No, no, I know you are! That’s why I made you an appointment with Dr. Sherman for this afternoon. I’ll pick you up after school.” She smiled at him, walking over towards his backpack, as if she needed to help him get ready for school too.

 

Evan’s heart leapt. _After school? Appointment with Dr. Sherman?_ Today _?!_ He hadn’t been ready- hadn’t had time to think about it, he wasn’t… oh god, he needed to finish a letter _now_ so Dr. Sherman wouldn’t hate him too for not completing his stupid assignment. “I already have an appointment next week?” Evan said as he turned to face her, almost confused.

 

“And I thought maybe you could use something a little bit sooner.” She said. His mom said it nicely enough, but Evan immediately figured out what she meant- _he needed help and he needed it now. She was tired of dealing with his anxious rambles, his stupid tendencies, his inability to do simple tasks because he always over thought them. She wanted him fixed and she wanted him fixed_ now. His heart sank and he looked away from her, hating himself for being so broken. “Hey, have you been writing those letters he wanted you to do?” His mom asked after a moment of silence. “Yeah, the letters to yourself? The little… the little pep-talks?” She sounded so excited that Evan felt guilty for not having done one full one yet. She mimed typing on a keyboard as she moved towards him. “‘Dear Evan Hansen, this is going to be a good day and here’s why!!’- have you been doing those?”

 

Evan nodded half-heartedly. “Yeah, I started one…” His mom sighed, almost disappointed and he quickly added, “I’ll finish it at school.”

 

“Those letters are important honey! They’re gonna help you build your confidence!” She smiled a little, as if she really believed that these would help. She mimed flexing muscles, which confused Evan because he wasn’t strong at all- the only thing he could do was climb trees and that wasn’t very impressive. 7 year olds could probably climb trees better than Evan could. “Seize the day!!!”

 

Evan didn’t know what to say. He half-heartedly returned her gesture, almost mocking it without meaning too. “I guess…”

 

His mom set down the bag on his bed, her eyes on his. “I don’t want another year of you sitting at home on your computer every Friday night, saying that you ‘have no friends’.” She said it as if he were joking, like he really did have friends that he was keeping a secret from her.

 

“Neither do I.” Evan admitted softly. He shut his eyes, hating that he’d admitted that he wanted a friend that wasn’t a “family friend”. She’d think of him as even more broken- so broken that Evan couldn’t make friends that he desperately wanted. Of course, she already knew that.

 

She sighed, putting a hand on his shoulder and drawing him closer to her. “Come on, Evan, we have to be optimistic here! I bet this year is going to be great for you honey- but you have to buck and… and see that the world won’t fall apart.” She shook his slightly, which made him feel worse. “We’re not giving up before we’ve tried! This year is going to be a great new start for you, Evan…. Oh!” Her eyes lit up and she stepped back. “Hey, I know- you can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast! How about that? That would be the perfect icebreaker, wouldn’t it?” She pulled a sharpie from his cup of pens and pencils on his desk and handed it to him.

 

 _Not really. No one is going to want to sign my cast because no one likes me. If anyone does, it’ll be out of pity_ . “Perfect.” He forced himself to say because his mom was so damn excited about the idea that her little boy might _finally_ find a friend- an idea that was never going to happen because even Jared didn’t want to be friends with him and he was _bribed_ into it in the first place.

 

“I’m proud of you already.” Her smile was so wide. _I’m just going to let you down_ , Evan thought, shutting his eyes. _I’m sorry mom but you shouldn’t be proud of me- I haven’t done anything yet and I’m not going to do anything because I’m just going to let you down and screw up and then you’ll have to keep trying to fix the unfixable_ …

 

“Oh. Good…” Evan turned away, unable to look at his mom anymore- because she was just _so excited_ and it made him feel terrible because there really wasn’t any chance of him doing this right- whatever _this_ was. He pulled his shoes onto his feet, forcing himself to get ready to school.

 

She put a hand on the back of his head, ruffling his hair slightly. Evan flinched slightly as she kissed the top of his head. _Why does she even pretend to like me?_ “I have to head off to work, honey but I’ll pick you up after school for your appointment!” Her hand left his shoulder. “I love you, Evan! Have a _great_ day!”

 

“Bye-” The door shut. Evan glanced back. He was alone.

 

Like always.

 

He sighed and continued to get ready for school.

 

************************

 

“Hey. How was your summer?” Evan looked away from his locker, his eyes finding the wide eyes of Alana Beck. Evan had seen her in a few of his classes- the ones that didn’t have AP options- and they’d been partners once or twice, but they definitely weren’t friends.

 

His heart began to race as he glanced behind him- just to make sure that she was talking to him because she couldn’t possibly _want_ to talk to him, he was… he was _Evan_ , no one wanted to talk to him. There wasn’t anyone behind him- at least, no one that Alana could be talking too. Evan looked back towards her, his palms already beginning to sweat. “My-”

 

“Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service.” She smiled at him, speaking quickly so that Evan had to concentrate to keep up. Evan looked behind him to make sure that she _was_ still looking at him. “I know- Wow.”

 

“Yeah, wow, that’s impressive-” Evan began to say, trying to get up the courage to maybe ask her to sign his cast- because she came up to him and… well, he had to _try_ or else he’d be letting down everyone.

 

“Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Or, well, acquaintances, more like.” Alana shrugged, as if the friends weren’t the main focus. Evan’s heart sunk. If Alana already had friends, why would she want him? He was worse than anyone she could have met before. Maybe she had been assigned by someone to talk to him, ordered to make friends with the loser kid that no one wanted to be friends with.

 

But still. One signature- that’s all it would take to please his mom. Just one… “Do you want to maybe…” Evan’s voice faltered and he began to almost ramble before forcing himself to ask. “I don’t know what you’re, um… do you want to sign my cast?”

 

Almost for the first time, Alana seemed to notice the blinding white cast wrapped around his arm. “Oh my God. What happened to your arm?” She asked, what sounded like fake sympathy dripping from her tone.

 

 _I tried to kill myself from jumping out of a tree and failed because I’m a failure_. “Oh. Well. I broke it. I was climbing a tree…” Evan began to explain, the practiced words coming out of his mouth no easier than if he hadn’t practiced them at all because he was covering up something horrible, something that would mark him as even more a freak.

 

She cut him off. “Oh really? My grandma broke her hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said. Because then she died.” Evan had no idea how to respond. He wasn’t good at comforting people or… talking to people at all, but… How was he supposed to answer this bubbly girl, who was probably talking to him out of pity? The smile found its way back onto her face and she waved a little. “Happy first day.” She walked past him down the hall. Evan watched her go, confused and almost… sad, because she hadn’t signed his cast and she wouldn’t ever want to come and talk to Evan again because no one came to talk to Evan more than once. Unless they Jared and they were forced too.

 

A voice spoke behind him, causing him to jump. “Is it weird to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much or do you consider that an honor?” Evan spun to face Jared Kleinman, his one maybe-friend. He was grinning, looking at Evan with a mixture of confusion and pity as his words registered in Evan’s mind.

 

“Wait what?! I didn’t, I wasn’t… doing that.” Evan said quickly because if that got around then _oh god_ what would people think?! It would be so embarrassing and he could hear the teasing now, he could feel the glares and the looks and-

 

Jared kept going, thankfully quieter. “Paint me the picture: you’re in your bedroom, you’ve got Zoe Murphy’s Instagram up on your weird, off-brand cell phone…” He said, gesturing to Evan’s pocket, where his “weird, off-brand cell phone” felt as though it had gained a few pounds.

 

“That’s not what happened! Obviously.” Evan added, speaking faster and faster so Jared would understand so he wouldn’t tell people that he had broken his arm while jerking off to Zoe Murphy’s Instagram. Oh _god_ if he did tell people that… Evan would almost rather have them know the truth. Almost… no, strike that, he wouldn’t. “I was, um, well… I was climbing a tree and I fell.”

 

Jared started to laugh, looking amused. “You fell out of a tree? What are you, like, an acorn?” His eyes scanned Evan, as if he was suddenly alien to him.

 

“Well, I was, I don’t know if you know this, but I worked this summer as an apprentice park ranger at Ellison State Park. I’m sort of a tree expert now. Not to brag, but…” It sounded pathetic and stupid, even to himself. Evan couldn’t explain why he liked trees and nature so much- he felt so much more relaxed when he was surrounded by nature, climbing trees and watching the sunset. But no one understood- it was weird and Evan knew it. “Anyways, I tried to climb this forty-foot-tall oak tree.”

 

“And then you fell…?” Jared finished. He sounded like he pitied Evan, which was something he didn’t entirely expect from his friend. Evan had more-so expected endless torment about how stupid he was to have broken his arm after falling out of a tree.

  
Evan- in a desperate attempt to… what, be funny?- continued. “Well, except it’s a funny story, because there was this solid ten minutes after I fell, when I just lay there on the ground waiting for someone to come get me. Any second now, I kept saying to myself. Any second now, here they come.”

 

“Did they?” Jared asked, his tone uncaring- like usual.

 

“No.” Evan cleared his throat, staring at his shoes and _hating_ himself for being so awkward and just… being him. Jared clearly didn’t care- he was boring himself with this stupid story that he had no interest in hearing because he didn’t _care_. “Nobody came. That’s the, that’s what’s funny.” He finished quickly, pulling at the frayed edge of his cast again.

 

“Jesus Christ…” Jared laughed sadly. Evan could feel his gaze carving into him- the sad pity, the annoyance, the “doesn’t he ever shut up” and “can’t he act normal for once”.

 

“How was, what did you do for the…” Evan sighed. _Fuck_ . He couldn’t even talk, he never knew what to say. It was like he had been missed over when the script had been passed out, so everyone else knew what to say but he was in the dark. No- it was worse than that- Evan was on stage, alone, with no help, no script, and no clue what to do. It was no one everyone hated him. “You had a good summer?” He finished softly, defeated and already so done with today- with _every_ day.

 

“Well, my bunk dominated in capture the flag and I got to second-base-below-the-bra with this girl from Israel who’s going to like be in the army…” Jared listed on his fingers before looking up at Evan with a smirk that almost said _I’m so much better than you, look at how interesting my summer was compared to yours- what did you do? Fell out a tree trying to kill yourself? Yeah, so interesting_. “...so yeah, hopefully that answers your question.”

 

Jared turned to walk away and Evan blurted, “Do you want to sign my cast?” He had the sharpie in his hand and everything- just so it could be as little of an inconvenience as possible, but did that seem desperate? It probably seemed desperate and now Jared would think of him as the desperate freak whom he had to hang out with.

 

“Why are you asking me?” Jared asked, almost confused as he turned back to face Evan.

 

“Well, just…” Evan didn’t know. He didn’t _know_ why he bothered to ask anyone- he knew the cast was going to stay white and clean without a single scratch of sharpie, no one’s messy handwriting bothering the plaster. “I thought, because we’re friends.” He added lamely, looking down at the sharpie and he twisted it in his fingers.

 

“We’re family friends. That’s like a whole different thing and you know it.” Jared rolled his eyes like _Look at this loser. He thinks we’re actually friends_ . He stepped towards him, slapping his hand hard on Evan’s shoulder. “Hey, tell your mom to tell my mom I was nice to you or else my parents won’t pay for my car insurance.” He smiled at the end, as if it were a joke or something but Evan knew it wasn’t. Why else would Jared he hanging out with a loser like him? Evan could almost hear him explaining to his other peers- _“Evan? Oh yeah, I only hang out with him so my parents will pay for my car insurance. He’s such a freak.”_ And Jared would know, better than anyone and they’d ask for more details and then Jared would tell everyone everything and-

 

“I will.” Evan said softly, swallowing hard as Jared moved away from him.

 

“Hey Connor.” Evan glanced up at Jared, waiting for him to walk to Connor and leave Evan all by himself because anyone was better than Evan. Then he looked up and realized who he was talking too- Connor Murphy. “I’m loving the new hair length. Very school shooter chic.” Jared said as if it were a joke. Connor glared at him- his glare _hurt_. It hurt Evan and he wasn’t even looking at Evan. “I was kidding.” Jared added. “It was a joke.”

 

“Yeah no, it was funny.” Connor said, completely deadpanned. There was no emotion in his voice whatsoever and it scared Evan- it scared Evan more than he was willing to admit. “I’m laughing. Can’t you tell?” Silence. Connor stepped closer and Evan’s heart rate skyrocketed. “Am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

 

Jared laughed half-heartedly, like he realized that it wasn’t worth it to stay here with Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen, two of the biggest nobodies in the school- although Evan was worse than Connor, he was so so so much worse than Connor… “You’re such a freak…” Jared walked away quickly, leaving Evan alone with Connor. Evan didn’t know what to do- he _never_ knew what to do- so he just smiled awkwardly, a nervous laugh making its way out of his mouth before he could really control it.

 

Connor’s icy glare turned towards Evan and his heart froze. “What the fuck are you laughing at?”

 

“What?” Evan’s eyes widened and his heart began to race. _Oh god he was going to die_ _Connor Murphy was going to kill him or hurt him or humiliate him and it was all because of a stupid fucking tick that he couldn’t control goddammit if only he weren’t so broken maybe he could have said the right thing because Jared was a dick and Evan was so sorry that he was such a dick and_ -

 

“Stop fucking laughing at me.” Connor said louder, drawing the attention of the other people in the hall- _there were other people in the hall_.

 

“I’m not.” Evan said quickly, his mind racing with possibilities of how to get out of this, of how to explain that he really hadn’t been laughing and that he was _sorry_ for Jared’s behavior and-

 

“You think I’m a freak?” Connor asked, but it wasn’t really a question.

 

“No. I don’t-” Evan protested, his entire body shaking as he waited for him to hit him, to punch him in the face and maybe then he could go _home_ and never come back to this _school_ with these _people_ and maybe then he could just _die_.

 

“I’m not the freak.” Connor was moving towards him and, for a second, Evan thought he had a knife in his hands. It wouldn’t surprise him- Connor had been suspended for carrying a pocket knife and everyone thought he would shoot up the school. Evan tried not to listen to the rumors and the gossip- not that anyone would tell him anything because he had no friends- but he was just _so scared_ and it all seemed to make sense and _Connor Murphy was going to kill him when he hadn’t been laughing at him and Evan was just so so so sorry_ -

 

“But I wasn’t-” He tried, his voice barely coming out of his throat as Connor reached him.

 

“You’re the fucking freak.” Evan didn’t felt Connor’s hands on his chest until after they’d moved, until after he was on the ground, the lockers behind him. His heart was throbbing, tears welling in his eyes as he struggled to just _breathe_ and not have a panic attack because he couldn’t have a panic attack in the hallway, not now not in front of all of these people, maybe later in the nurse’s office- but then the nurse would have to see and report it to his mom and then he’d have to tell Dr. Sherman and then-

 

“Hey, I’m sorry about my brother.” Evan blinked, looking up through his hazy vision. A girl was standing over him, her long hair covering her eyes. She pushed it back and Evan’s heart leapt. It was Zoe Murphy- _oh god_ \- “I saw him push you? He’s a psychopath…” She shook her head, her eyes moving back to Evan’s. “Evan, right?”

 

“Evan…?” He took a shaky breath. He didn’t understand what she meant, he didn’t understand why she felt the need to apologize, it was all his fault in some way- everything was his fault…

 

“That’s your name?” Zoe added, looking a little confused.

 

 _Yeah, idiot. What do you think she meant? She was just saying your name for fun?_ “Oh. Yes. Evan. Yes it is, it’s Evan. Sorry.” Evan laughed nervously again, feeling sick. He couldn’t believe he was talking to _Zoe Murphy_ and failing _this badly_ \- well, yes, he could. He was nothing more than a failure after all and failing is what Evan was best at.

 

“Why are you sorry?” She asked, her pretty eyes on Evan’s.

 

Evan tried to explain slowly, but the words rushed out of his mouth and he just kept _talking_ … “Well, just because you said, Evan, and then I said, I repeated it, which is, that’s so annoying with people do that so…” He forced himself to be quiet, to _shut up_ because no one wanted to hear him ramble on and on forever.

 

“I’m Zoe.” She held out a hand and Evan realized he was still on the ground.

 

He reached up to take hers before thinking- _what am I doing?!_ \- and realizing that his palms were sweaty and gross all at the same time. He pulled it back, wiping it on his shirt desperately. “No, I know…” Evan said without thinking, his heart pounding in his chest so hard it hurt.

 

“You know?” Zoe sounded confused- maybe even creeped out and it struck Evan what he had said.

 

His eyes widened and Evan pulled himself to his feet, shaking slightly from his encounter with Connor Murphy and the anxiety coursing through his veins from talking to his much nicer sister Zoe Murphy. He began to ramble again. “No no no- just, I’ve seen you play guitar in jazz band? I love jazz band. I love jazz. Well, not all jazz, but definitely like jazz band jazz. That’s so weird, I’m sorry.” Evan bit his lip, looking down at their feet. Her shoes were Converse- definitely nicer than Evan’s New Balance sneakers- and it looked like she had stars on her jeans. Evan’s chest fluttered slightly as he noticed the little detail before realizing it was _weird_ and Evan was _weird_ and he should just _stop_.

 

“You apologize a lot.” Zoe noticed.

 

“I’m sorry-” Evan caught himself, looking back up and then away quickly. “Or… I mean. You know what I mean.”

 

Zoe bit her lip, her eyes moving back to her friends as she stepped backwards. “Well, I’ll talk to you later-”

  
A flash of anxiety caught Evan and he didn’t let her finish, the question bursting from his lips without him thinking first. “You don’t want to sign my…?”

 

“What?” She turned around to face him and as their eyes met, everything told Evan to _stop_ because there’s _no way_ she would sign his cast because he was weird and their interaction had been weird and he didn’t want to guilt her into signing the cast simply because he was weird and awkward and her brother had just shoved him.

 

“What? What’d you say?” He cleared his throat again, his voice going up an octave which just made him sound weird and almost desperate.

 

“I didn’t say anything. You said something.” Zoe pointed at herself and then at Evan- not accusingly, but it still hurt because Evan was so damn awkward and Zoe was just so damn perfect and this entire conversation was just proving why Evan was broken and why he needed all of this therapy and drugs and why he had climbed to the top of that tree…

  
“No. Me?” Evan smiled awkwardly, which he knew looked like a painful spasm, before looking at his feet again, hating himself. “Uh… no way… José…” He added, cringing internally at how _awkward_ he was and how fucking stupid he sounded. He wished he could just figure out how to be normal and how to do things a normal person would do without freaking out. Evan just wished he could be _normal_ …

 

“Um. Okay… José.” Zoe smiled a little back, giving him a thumbs up before going off to join her friends. Evan took a step after her before pulling himself back. She didn’t want to talk to him. She was leaving because he was weird and she didn’t know what to say to him and she didn’t even want to have said anything in the first place. She was probably going to go over to her friends and sigh and say something like _“Well that was weird”_ or _“I feel bad because my brother pushed him, but oh my god”_ because no matter how nice you were, Evan brought out the worst in everyone with his weird stammering and his rambling and his “anxious vibes”, as Jared called them.

 

Evan forced himself to calm down as he walked to class, for once glad to be lost in the masses of students. He found his homeroom easily, sliding silently into his seat in the back of the room. His teacher didn’t even acknowledge his presence. Evan took a shaky breath, running a hand through his hair as he shut his eyes, the past 4 encounters replaying in his mind at top speed, every fidget and twitch and awkward word echoing through Evan’s mind.

 

He was hopeless. He knew that- Evan was a hopeless case. But, as he looked out the classroom window at the hallways full of laughing, talking students, he wondered if there had ever been a chance at being like that. Being happy. Normal.

 

But none of that mattered now because Evan had no chance now. His entire reputation- although it was next to nothing- was “that weird kid who stammers and never talks” and Evan knew it would never change. It was just too broken. _He_ was just too broken.

 

Once again, he let his mind wander to the top of that tree, staring out at the sun and the birds and, for a moment, everything was perfect. It was like the entire world was holding its breath, waiting. And then…

 

Evan shut his eyes. Had he even made a sound? When he landed, that is? He never made one anyways- wouldn’t it just be ironic if, when he fell in that forest, he hadn’t made a sound. It would explain why he had had to walk back to the lodge- limping, clutching his left arm, and crying pathetically in pain- and why no one had come to get him, why no one seemed to care now.

 

It was because Evan was nothing. He was less than nothing. He was… he was invisible. He was silent.

 

It was like he hadn’t ever been there.

  


************************

 

_When you’re falling in a forest_

_and there’s nobody around,_

_Do you ever really crash or even make a sound?_


	2. Dead.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan looked down at the cast as Connor uncapped the sharpie and began to scrawl his name in big letters, covering the entire thing with 6 letters. He looked up at Connor and met his eyes, forcing himself to speak. “Oh. Great. Thanks…”
> 
> Connor shrugged, gesturing towards the cast. “Now we can both pretend that we have friends.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the plot, dialogue, or characters. I only own my own writing.
> 
> Evan's inner thoughts are in italic. When he's writing a letter/texting someone, it's italicized and underlined.
> 
> TW for implied suicide

Evan had 20 minutes to finish up his letter to his therapist and print it out before his mom came to pick him up. His heart was already racing, his mind going in circles of what bullshit he would write out about how his day hadn’t been a complete failure, lies about how he had tried to make friends and tried to talk to someone. But- the truth was-, Evan didn’t believe that today had been a good day. And if today hadn’t been a good day, there was no promise tomorrow wouldn’t be identical- and after the shitty summer, there wasn’t any promise he’d ever have a good day again.

 

Evan just wanted a break from all the bad days and all the fear and awkwardness and _fear_  and… He just wanted a break.

 

He opened up his laptop, double clicking on the folder labeled _Letters for Dr. Sherman_. It was empty, because he had deleted his earlier draft because there was no way in hell he was showing that to anyone. Evan opened up a new Google document and prepared himself to start writing when his phone rang. His heart sank. Only one person called him- and if she was calling him, then there was a good chance he wasn’t getting a ride to his appointment today.

 

His mom’s smiling face looked up at him, the _answer_ _or_ _deny_ buttons underneath it. Slowly, Evan pressed answer and held the phone up to his ear. “Hello?” He said softly, almost hearing his mom’s words ahead of time- _Sorry honey, but I can’t bring you to your appointment. You’ll have to find another way there. Sorry again- I’ll see you again when I come home from class- but don’t be awake or else I’ll yell at you. Bye and love you (sort of)._ His mom sounded rushed as she began to speak.“Shit, honey. I know I was supposed to pick you up for your appointment. I’m stuck at work…” _Surprise surprise_ , Evan thought, looking at the blank Google doc, which seemed to become emptier and emptier by the minute. “Erica called in with the flu and I’m the only other nurses aid on today, so I volunteered to pick up her shift…”

 

“It’s fine.” Evan tried to interject softly, but she kept talking- almost as if she didn’t hear him. Well, she didn’t hear him- no one ever did. Not even his mom.

 

She kept trying to explain, but Evan didn’t really care anymore. He knew the message well enough- he heard it all the time. “It’s just, they announced budget cuts this morning, so anything I can do to show that I’m, you know, a team player…”

 

“It’s fine.” Evan did his best to make it sound like he didn’t care, but it hurt- it always did hurt. He wanted, just once, to be more important to her than her stupid job, but without her job they’d have nothing and it would be all Evan’s fault for being so damn selfish. “I’ll take the bus.” He added, even though she knew he hated the bus- sitting next to a stranger who would think he was weird and stupid and he’d be pitied by a stranger and Evan didn’t want to be pitied by a stranger, but he had to get to his appointment…

 

“Perfect. That’s perfect…” She sounded distracted, as if his words weren’t fully registering in her mind- as if she wasn’t truly listening, like always. “Oh,” She added suddenly and Evan sighed, shutting his eyes because he knew what came next- what always came next. “And I’m going straight from here to class, so I won’t be home until late, so please eat something. We’ve got those Trader Joe’s dumplings in the freezer…”

 

She sounded so hopeful that Evan felt inclined to say, “Maybe.” But he knew he wouldn’t eat the Trader Joe’s dumplings in the freezer because he was too scared to try and heat them up because what would happen if he accidently left it alone too long and burnt them- then he’d have to explain to his mom why he hadn’t eaten and she’d think he was stupid for not being able to heat up Trader Joe’s dumplings by himself- or what if he somehow burnt the whole house down and they lost everything?! It would all be Evan’s fault and his mom would hate him even more than she usually did- and so would the neighbors, because it’d just be an inconvenience to them too.

 

“Did you write one of those letters yet?” His mom asked, her hopeful tone making Evan feel guilty that he hadn’t yet. “Dr Sherman’s expecting you to have one…” She fell silent and, when Evan didn’t answer, she prompted, “‘Dear Evan Hansen. This is going to be a good day and here’s why’?”

 

Evan lied on instinct, feeling terrible that he hadn’t. After all, he was about to start to write it so it wasn’t a complete lie. “Yeah, no, I already finished it. I’m in the computer lab right now, printing it out…” He looked down at the blank screen and felt a stab of guilt for lying to his mom, even about something as small as this.

 

“I hope it was a good day, sweetheart.” She said softly, prompting him to talk but Evan didn’t want to confess that today hadn’t been a good day- he’d failed at talking to Alana, Jared, Zoe Murphy, and- by extension- Connor Murphy. He’d been pushed by Connor Murphy in the first few minutes of being at school. That wasn’t mentioning all of classes and how he had caused 3 people to walk out of the bathroom during lunch (because eating lunch in the bathroom that smelled of weed and piss and had graffiti on the walls and what looked like condoms on the floor was better than eating in the cafeteria with all of the other people).

 

Evan shut his eyes, unsure of how to answer and hating that his mouth was moving without him at least _trying_ to prepare an answer. “It was…” He couldn’t tell her- he couldn’t tell her that his day had been terrible. “Yeah, it was really great.” The words sounded fake, even to Evan. He cringed slightly at how bad he was at lying.

 

“Great. That’s great.” She sounded like she was smiling. _Did she really believe him?_ It was more proof that his mom didn’t listen (or didn’t care (or both)). His heart sank and he forced back tears. “I hope it’s the beginning of a great year. I think we both could use one of those, huh?” Silence fell for a few moments as he tried to work up the nerve to say something- anything, but then his mom sighed and began to talk quickly. “Shit. I have to run. Bye. I love you.”

 

The phone beeped before Evan could say anything. He choked back tears, hating himself for crying because it was so stupid… “Bye.” He said pathetically, as if she could still hear him.

 

After a moment, he forced himself to focus on his letter. Almost unwillingly- because Dr. Sherman didn’t really want to hear about Evan’s problems but he didn’t know what else to say because he couldn’t think of any way he could spin his day into being a good day-, Evan’s true thoughts began to spill onto the page.

 

 _Dear Evan Hansen. It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because… why would it be?_ A tear worked it’s way down his face and Evan quickly wiped at him, almost disgusted at himself for crying because his day had been so shitty and it wasn’t even over- he still had to get on the bus filled with people and go to his appointment and try to explain what he’d written and hope that Dr. Sherman didn’t think he should be locked up and it was just so tiring and all Evan wanted was to just sleep and to be alone, away from people- which was ironic because at the same time, all he wanted was for someone to be with him… but it was ridiculous because all he wanted was someone to talk too who understood him and wanted to talk to him back. Someone, he had deemed almost without thinking, like Zoe Murphy, who wouldn’t ever want to talk to him again after their interaction earlier today.

 

 _Oh I know. Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me. But maybe if I did. Maybe if I could just talk to her, then maybe…_ Evan shut his eyes as defeat buried its way into his chest because… well, there was no guarantee that anything would change, no matter what he did. _Maybe nothing would be different at all._

 

 _I wish everything was different. I wish that I was a part of… something. I wish that anything I said… mattered to anyone. I mean, face it: would anybody even notice if I disappeared tomorrow?_ Evan couldn’t believe that he’d written that much- gone that in depth about how he was feeling, even though it was only the tip of the iceberg. It was definitely cause some conversations- bad conversations that would end up with a higher dosage of drugs that had a higher cost, but Evan didn’t have the energy to change his words down. Quickly, he ended the letter.

 

_Sincerely, your best and most dearest friend,_

_Me_

 

Evan printed the paper and sighed, slowly shutting his laptop as his mind wandered back up the tree again, back to his thoughts earlier. _Had he even made a sound?_ Slowly, Evan leaned forwards, putting his head in his hands as he willed himself not to cry. He felt so stupid- he _was_ so stupid… _Goddammit_ …

 

“So.” His head shot up and he looked over, his eyes widening as they met the blue eyes of _Connor Murphy._ He looked slightly uncomfortable as he gestured to Evan with the piece of paper he was holding. “What happened to your arm?” He said the words slowly, as if each one pained him- which they probably did, because he was talking to _Evan_.

 

“Oh,” Evan shook his head, wiping at his eyes too make sure he didn't cry in front of  _Connor Murphy_ as he smiled awkwardly because it was stupid and _why was Connor Murphy talking to him?! Was it a joke- it was probably a joke_. “I um, I fell out of a tree actually.” He spit it out all at once.

 

“You fell out of a tree.” Connor said slowly, as if processing Evan’s lame story. He raised his eyebrows slightly and shook his head, his long hair falling into his eyes as he laughed a little. “That is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. Oh my God.”

 

It occured to Evan that he was probably trying to make a joke and Evan smiled a little back, looking down at he and Connor’s feet. Connor was wearing black boots- so different from his sisters gray converse. “I know…”

 

Connor pointed at the blank plaster that surrounded Evan’s left arm. “No one’s signed your cast.” He said.

 

Evan looked down and bit his lip. It was pathetic, wasn’t it? Not one signature on his cast- not one person had felt inclined to scrawl their name because he had no friends and no one wanted Evan to walk around with their name written on his arm. “No, I know.” He said softly, wondering if this was Connor’s goal- to make Evan felt bad, to rub it in that he didn’t have any friends or anyone willing to sign his cast.

 

Connor took a deep breath before saying, “Well I’ll sign it.”

 

His eyes met Evan’s and Evan felt a twinge of confusion. _Why did Connor Murphy want to sign his cast? He had pushed him this morning- he didn’t care about Evan. Was it a joke? Or was it pity? It was probably pity_. “Oh. Um… you don’t have to…” Evan said quickly, shaking his head slightly before wincing because someone had said that they would sign his cast and Evan had said no. He shut his eyes, looking down at his feet and hating himself.

 

“Do you have a Sharpie?” Connor said softly. Evan looked up and realized that he was serious- he wanted to sign it… His heart leapt and Evan wondered, momentarily, what people would say if he and this boy- _Connor Murphy and Evan Hansen_ \- became friends. Then Evan realized that Connor probably felt bad for him and that this was all because he pitied Evan for being so pathetic and that, even if it somehow wasn’t because he thought Evan was stupid and pathetic, Connor Murphy wouldn’t want to be _friends_ with Evan Hansen because no one wanted to be friends with Evan Hansen.  

 

Evan pulled the sharpie out of his back pocket before he could doubt himself and handed it to Connor, who took a step towards Evan and reached for his cast. He gripped it and pulled it towards him. Evan winced, hissing “Ow” before he realized that it didn’t hurt that bad and it was pathetic and _god_ … Connor looked up at him, opening his mouth as if to say something before shutting it quickly because he didn’t want to waste energy on Evan Hansen, of all people. Evan looked down at the cast as Connor uncapped the sharpie and began to scrawl his name in big letters, covering the entire thing with 6 letters.

 

He handed Evan back the Sharpie and Evan took it, unsure how he felt about that- he’d gotten one signature, but now people could use the excuse “oh there’s no room” and it was… He looked up at Connor and met his eyes, forcing himself to speak. “Oh. Great. Thanks…” He didn’t sound greatful, which made him feel like a jackass.

 

Connor didn’t seem to care. He shrugged, gesturing towards the cast. “Now we can both pretend that we have friends.”

 

For the first time, it occured to Evan that Connor Murphy might not have many friends either- after all, most people thought he was going to shoot up the school or that he got high in the bathrooms between every class. He smiled slightly, looking down at Connor’s name written on his cast, wondering if maybe they could not pretend and be friends…? Not right away, of course- and not like Connor would even want to be- but… Maybe there was a chance. Despite himself, Evan felt slightly… hopeful. “Good point…”

 

A silence fell between them before Connor held up the paper in his hand. “Is this yours? I found it on the printer. ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.” Evan’s heart stopped. “That’s your name, right?” He looked up, meeting Evan’s eyes before looking down at the paper again.

 

“Oh-” Evan felt sick, barely recognizing that Connor knew his name? “That’s just a stupid, it’s a paper I had to write for a, um, for an assignment-” He began to ramble, reaching for the paper desperately because if Connor read that, he definitely wouldn’t want to be friends with him- not ever.

 

Connor pulled the paper back, his eyes stuck on one place. “‘Because there’s Zoe’.” His tone had changed, sounding the way it had in the hallway. Evan’s heart stopped- he’d forgotten that he’d written that. Connor looked up at him, suddenly looking scary and unlike he had a few minutes ago. Any thought that Evan might have had about them becoming friends (however unrealistic it had been) vanished and was replaced with thoughts of Evan pleading for Connor not to kill him because he looked like he was going to kill Evan and _oh_ god… “Is this about my _sister_?” He asked.

 

“No. Not at all.” Evan shook his head frantically because it _wasn’t_ it was Evan being stupid and he just wanted to explain so Connor wouldn’t kill him and oh god oh god _oh god_ -

 

He reached for the paper again but Connor pulled it back further. “You wrote this because you know that I would find it.” Connor said defiantly, his eyes on Evan’s.

 

“What?” Evan said, confusing. He could barely breathe- he’d fucked up, oh _god_ he’d fucked up-

 

“Yeah,” Connor shook his head, a scary smile on his face as he kept talking. “You saw that I was the only other person in the computer lab, so you wrote this and you printed it out so that I would find it.” He pressed on the paper, wrinkling it.

 

Evan shook his head furiously, wanting to prove that he _hadn’t_ because he hadn’t even noticed that Connor was in here or else he wouldn’t have printed it out _idiot why had he printed it out without checking why was he so STUPID?!_ “Why would I do that?” He choked out.

 

“So I would read some creepy shit you wrote about my sister, and freak out, right?” His voice had risen. His eyes looked up at Evan, his expression murderous. “And then you can tell everyone that I’m crazy, right?” Connor pointed at himself as he all but yelled.

 

“No. Wait. I don’t even, what-” Evan said quickly, shaking his head as he desperately tried to _explain_ -

 

“Fuck you.” Connor’s finger turned on Evan and he flinched back as Connor Murphy stormed away, the paper crumpling up in his hands as he walked away.

 

For a moment, Evan didn’t process what he had happened- but then he realized that _Connor Murphy was walking away with his letter ohgod_ \- “But I really, I need that back. Please.” Evan started to chase him down the halls, but Connor didn’t even give him a second glance. “Can you just, can you _please give it back_?!” He said desperately as he reached Connor, grabbing at the paper but Connor didn’t even look at him as he put his arm out. It caught Evan in the chest, shoving him back. Evan stumbled, falling to the ground for the second time today.

 

He could barely breathe- _Connor Murphy had his letter to himself where he confessed how shitty he felt oh god what was Connor going to do with it was he going to show people who would he show oh god oh god ohgod_. Evan took a shaky breath as he struggled not to hyperventilate because he couldn’t hyperventilate now, not now please no now… His eyes moved from the signature on his cast- _CONNOR_ \- to the boy who had written it, who was storming out of the school with Evan’s letter clenched in his fist.

  

****************************

 

_Jared Koolman: A letter to yourself? What the crap does that even mean? It’s, like, some kind of sex thing?_

 

Evan pulled at his cast, staring at the chat messages in his phone. He was surprised that Jared was talking to him- but then again, it was about something that Jared probably found funny. He was probably showing the conversation to his friends and they were all laughing at Evan and how stupid Evan was…

 

_Me: No, it’s not a sex thing. It was an assignment_

_Jared Koolman: Why are you talking to me about this?_

 

Evan’s heart ached. Jared didn’t want to talk to him- no one wanted to talk to him and he was just forcing his problems onto Jared, but it had been three days and he hadn’t seen Connor since but nothing had happened so where had Connor gone and what had happened to his letter?! Evan couldn’t stop thinking about it- those stupid 5 minutes in the computer lab with Connor Murphy, how he’d been… _nice_ to Evan before he’d seen Zoe’s name and determined that Evan was just trying to get a story.

 

He slowly typed a response, not wanting to sound pathetic but, after he pressed send and reread the words, Evan realized that his words- his entire reasoning of talking to Jared- _was_ pathetic, no matter how he tried to phrase it. _Me: I didn’t know who else to talk to. You’re my only family friend_

 

_ Jared Koolman: Oh my God _

 

Jared thought he was pathetic. Evan shut his eyes, biting his lip. He hated texting- but it was easier for him to collect his thoughts, especially when talking to Jared because talking to Jared in person was nearly impossible.

 

Evan quickly wrote, _Me: I don’t know what to do. He stole the letter from me three days ago, and then he just hasn’t been at school since._

 

_Jared Koolman: That does not bode well for you_

 

 _You think?_ Evan thought sarcastically. He wouldn’t be bothering Jared with this unless he thought something was wrong- and this definitely qualified as _something was wrong_.

 

_Me: What is he going to do with it?_

 

 _Like Jared would know_ , Evan thought as Jared answered. _Jared Koolman: Who knows? Connor Murphy is batshit out of his mind. Do you remember when he threw a printer at Mrs. G. in the second grade because he didn’t get to be the line leader that day?_

 

Evan did remember that day. It had been terrifying. Both he and Jared had been in the same class, back when they were more than family friends, back when Evan had been somewhat normal. That had been a long time ago.

 

Evan finally asked the question that had been bothering him since Connor took the letter, since Evan watched him walk out of the school with it clutched in his fist. _Me: Do you think he’s going to show the letter to other people?_

 

_Jared Koolman: He’s going to ruin your life with it. For sure. I mean, I would._

 

Anxiety filled Evan’s stomach. _Me: Why do you think he hasn’t been at school? Do you think he’s shown anyone yet?_

_Jared Koolman: I dunno man, I’m not exactly buddy-buddy with the guy. It’s only a matter of time because he does show up- and I’m sorry Evan, but that’ll be the end of the line for you_.

 

Evan forced himself to take deep breaths, shutting his eyes. _It’s only a matter of time_.

 

 

****************************

 

 

The loudspeaker crackled as it turned on. Everyone in the room fell silent, looking up at it as if it would move. “Would Evan Hansen please report to Mr. Howard’s office immediately? Evan Hansen to Mr. Howard’s office. Thank you.” The secretary stated boredly.

 

Evan’s stomach turned inside out and his eyes widened. His palms began to sweat as his brain went into overdrive and, because he had to move, he pulled at his shirt, as if that would lift him out of the chair. _What had happened?! Oh god- what if it was something with his mom?! Was she okay?! Or had he done something?!_ _What had he done?! Had they finally had enough of him and were finally doing something about it?! Was he expelled?!_

 

Then he realized what it probably was- _Oh god Connor showed someone the letter and they were going to take him away to a mental hospital or the doctors and they were going to find out that Evan was unfixable and all the kids at his school will remember him as “the kid who got carted away” and Connor Murphy will laugh and tell the story of how he’d taken the letter and everyone will laugh and oh god ohgodohgod_ …

 

He felt sick. Evan was extremely conscious of the eyes on him, looking at him with a mixture of confusion and pity and almost anger. Evan took another deep breath, not understanding why they were all _looking at him_ when the voice of his teacher cut through his thoughts. “ _Evan_.” She sounded annoyed, like she’d said his name multiple times and couldn’t be bothered to say it again but because he was listening she had too. Evan looked up at her immediately, unable to think or really process because he felt like he was going to have a panic attack in class again and he couldn’t do that he couldn’t he couldn’t-

 

“S-S-Sorry.” He stammered, slowly getting to his feet and grabbing his bag off the ground. Evan wanted to say something- _anything_ \- so that everyone would stop staring at him, but he didn’t know what so he just apologized again, quieter this time, and walked as fast as he could out of the classroom.

 

There were a few people in the halls. All of them watched Evan go. It felt like it was in slow motion, like a scene from a movie- everyone’s eyes on him as he passed, glancing at their friends like _“holy shit is this for real”_ , as if they all _knew_ what Evan had done, what was about to happen and they were laughing about it already. Evan’s ragged breathing got quicker and he realized, suddenly, that he was going to start hyperventilating unless he calmed himself down and if he started to freak out in Mr. Howard’s office, the principal would just feel bad and then Evan would feel bad and hate himself even more and he’d seem pathetic and then they’d definitely cart him away to the doctors and _ohgod_ he didn’t want to go he didn’t…

 

Evan was shaking and barely breathing by the time he reached the office, slowly pushing the door open. The secretary looked up at him. She seemed almost confused as to who that was and why he was here. Evan forced himself to speak, his voice shaky and soft. “I… I’m… Evan Hansen… I was… sorry, they just said I was supposed…”

 

The secretary, who was filling her nails, nodded and gestured to the office door behind her desk. Her face went solemn, like she knew- _of course she knew what was about to happen_. Her expression scared Evan so so so much and now it was about to ruin his life and his mom was going to be so mad at him and oh god oh god oh god- “Honey, take a breath.” The secretary added, setting down her nail file. “It’s…” She went to say okay or something like that when she rethought it and fell silent.

 

 _It wasn’t going to be okay?! Oh god why wasn’t it okay?! What had Evan done that was so bad?! Or did she realize who he was and that he had written the letter and ohGOD_ …

 

Evan slowly walked past her, his heart beating loudly in his chest as he reached the door. His shaky hand closed around the doorknob and slowly, Evan pushed it open. Two people, a woman and a man, were sat inside on a couch. A chair was facing them, where Evan would most likely sit.

 

The man was wearing a suit and tie, which scared Evan because he looked like a doctor and _oh god_ … He had gray hair and, despite the fact that he was most likely going to tell Evan he was unfixable and that his expression was unreadable, he looked kind. The woman, on the other hand, looked broken- almost more broken than Evan felt. She had red hair, which caught Evan’s attention immediately. She was crying, although she was obviously attempting to hold it together- unsuccessfully.

 

Evan forced himself to speak, his hands shaking as he moved towards the pair. “Good morning. Is Mr. Howard…?” Both of them looked at him, confused. “I just, sorry…  They said on the loudspeaker for me to go to the principal’s office…” Evan said quickly, hating himself for being so awkward and so _scared_ …

 

The man nodded, looking over at the woman before meeting Evan’s eyes. “Mr. Howard is, uh… he stepped out.”

 

Evan couldn’t breathe. _Oh god_ \- He choked out, “Oh.”

 

“We wanted to speak with you in private. If you’d like to maybe…” He gestured towards the chair facing them. Evan slowly slunk down into it, moving as far away from these people as possible because he just, he wanted to leave, he _needed_ to leave so he could calm down…  “We’re, uh… we’re Connor’s parents.” The man explained.

 

 _Oh god it’s about the letter it’s about the letter oh god oh god ohgod_ … “Oh.” Evan repeated, a small part of his wondering where Connor was while a bigger part of him wondered why Connor’s parents would talk to him about this and not doctors or his mom or Dr. Sherman. His heart was pounding against his chest so hard it hurt and Evan just, he… He couldn’t _breathe_ …

 

The woman, Connor’s mom, moved towards her purse. Her fingers closed around a paper lying on the top of her bag and Evan’s heart stopped. _The letter. It’s right there. Oh god-_ Connor’s dad urged her on, “Why don’t you go ahead, honey, and…?”

  
“I’m going as fast as I can.” Connor’s mom said, obviously upset, more tears running down her face, mixing in with her makeup. Evan didn’t understand why she was so upset- the letter didn’t really affect her at all. It was all Evan, all Evan’s _fault_ …

 

“That’s not what I said, is it?” Connor’s dad said.

 

There was a terrible pause as Evan struggled to calm himself. Connor’s mother held out the paper, her hand shaking as she reached towards Evan. “This is… Connor… He wanted you to have this.”

 

Evan’s fingers closed around the top of the paper and he pulled it towards himself, turning it over as his eyes scanned the first few lines- _Dear Evan Hansen. It turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year. Because… why would it be?_ It was the same- the same stupid letter. His heart leapt and he kept reading, despite the fact that he had memorized every letter. Connor’s dad struggled to keep talking. “We didn’t… we’d never heard your name before, Connor never… but then we saw… ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.”

 

“He, um… he gave this to you?” Evan gulped, looking up at them before he looked back down at the letter, confused and petrified and _oh god_ what were they going to do to him?!

 

Connor’s dad added. “We didn’t know that you two were friends.”

 

The word stuck in Evan’s brain for a moment before he looked up at Connor’s parents, confused. “Friends?” It sounded weird coming out of Evan’s mouth because Evan didn’t have _friends_.

 

“We didn’t think that Connor had any friends.” Connor’s dad continued, his fingers interlocked as if were at a business meeting rather than talking to Evan. “And then we see this note and it’s, this seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Connor were, or at least for Connor, he thought of you as…” He trailed off before gestured towards the letter in Evan’s hands. “I mean, it’s right there. ‘Dear Evan Hansen’. It’s addressed to you. He wrote it to you.”

 

 _He wrote it to you_. It took Evan a moment to understand- Connor hadn’t told them who had written the letter? Why…? Why had he given it to his parents?! It didn’t make sense- none of this made any sense… “You think this is, you think that Connor wrote this to me.” Evan said numbly, just wishing he _understood_ so he could leave…

 

Connor’s mom nodded before speaking. “These are the words he wanted to share with you.”

 

“His last words.” His dad added.

 

Evan froze. _Last words_. Connor’s mother said something else, but Evan didn’t hear it- all he heard was Connor Murphy’s dad saying that Evan’s words had been his son’s last. _Last words_. “I’m sorry. What do you mean, last words?” Evan’s voice was soft as he looked up from the letter again, his eyes wide as he met the teary ones of Connor’s mother and the stern gaze of Connor’s father.

 

For a moment, neither of them seemed to know what to say. Connor’s mom covered her mouth, cries making their way out of her as she turned away from Evan. Guilt stabbed his chest- _he’d made her cry_ … _Was Connor dead?!_ Evan’s eyes widened as Connor’s dad spoke softly and carefully. “Connor, uh… Connor took his own life.”

 

 _Connor took his own life_. The words stuck in his mind, translating. _Connor Murphy killed himself_. Evan was shocked- he couldn’t breathe. Connor Murphy _killed himself_. “He…” Evan shook his head, his hands beginning to sweat and shaky. “He what?!”

 

“This is all we found with him. He had it folded up in his pocket.” Connor’s dad kept speaking, his tone soft and understanding. “You can see that he’s… he wanted to explain it, why he was…” He shut his eyes for a moment before reciting sentences from the letter- sentences that _Evan_ had written. “‘I wish that everything was different. I wish that I were part of something. I wish that what I said mattered to anyone-’”

 

Connor’s mom shook her head furiously, breathing heavily as she pleaded, “Please stop it, Larry.”

 

Evan gulped as he shook his head, wishing he could explain easily- but he… this was all a big misunderstanding- _Evan’s therapy letter wasn’t a suicide note written by Connor Murphy to Evan Hansen._ “But that’s, this isn’t…” Evan shook his head again, hating himself as he tried to breathe and explain to Connor’s grieving parents. “I’m sorry. Connor, um, Connor didn’t write this.”

 

“What does that mean?” Connor’s mother said softly, confused.

 

“Connor didn’t, he didn’t write this.” Evan repeated, shaking the letter in his hands as he tried to process- tried to _think_. How did he explain that he, _Evan Hansen_ , had written this letter without hurting them?! He didn’t want to hurt them- they were so sad already… Evan didn’t want to make it worse- they’d just lost their son and Evan didn’t want to hurt them anymore, they didn’t deserve to be hurt…

 

“What does he mean?” Connor’s mom looked to his dad, Larry.

 

Larry shook his head, looking from his wife to Evan. “He’s obviously in shock.”

 

“No, no, no, no!” Evan shook his head rapidly, hating himself for being unable to understand. _He needed to leave- this was too much_. Evan felt as if he were about to burst- about to hyperventilate and he couldn’t hyperventilate in front of these people who had just lost their son, it wasn’t good and… “I just, he didn’t…” Evan shook his head again.

 

“It’s right here.” Connor’s mom asked, confused as she gestured towards the letter and took a step towards Evan.

 

Evan’s heart rate skyrocketed and panic filled his lungs and suddenly he was talking rapidly, apologizing. “I’m sorry, but I should probably just, can I please go now?”

 

Connor’s mom was confused, talking at the same time as Evan. “If this isn’t, if Connor didn’t write this, then…”

 

“Cynthia, please. Calm down.” Larry said, his words melding with Evan’s and his wife’s until they turned into a jumbled mess inside Evan’s head.

 

“I should go now.” Evan’s words rose above the rest, above the other two’s as he pleaded. He couldn’t do this- it wasn’t his place, he couldn’t tell this family that the one thing they had left of their son wasn’t true, wasn’t their sons, was Evan’s… “I really should go, I’m sorry- I’m so sorry.”

 

“This is the only thing we have left!” Connor’s mom’s, Cynthia, words suddenly burst through Evan’s ears, piercing his mind like a spike. He flinched back, guilt filling his lungs, mixing with the panic and replacing all of the air. _Oh god oh god oh god_ …

 

“Honey. Listen to me. Please.” Larry reached for his wife’s hand, but she jerked away, sobs tearing at her throat. It was so sad- it was the saddest thing that Evan had ever heard. He hated himself for making her cry- _maybe he could have stopped Connor if he’d said something different or had waited to print out his letter, maybe if he had done something different_ …  “Cynthia.”

 

Evan held the letter out, his heart racing. “You should just, you take it. Please.” He pleaded, hating himself but he didn’t want to keep the letter- especially if meant this much to Connor’s mom, even if it was a lie…

 

Suddenly, she gasped, pointing at Evan. His heart leapt. “Larry. Look. His cast.” Evan’s stomach dropped and his eyes moved to the white cast, covered with 6 letters- CONNOR. Her tear-filled eyes lifted, meeting Evan’s eyes. “His best and most dearest friend.” Her eyes suddenly filled with hope. “I… Can…” She struggled for words for a moment, as if she were scared to talk to Evan- but Evan couldn’t breathe. He felt trapped- there was no way out, no way to explain without hurting this shattered woman. “Can we talk to you again?” She looked so hopeful. “Maybe we can invite you to dinner? To talk more about Connor?” Evan found himself nodding without thinking, without wanting too because it wasn’t true…

 

“Cynthia.” Larry said softly. “Let him go…”

 

“Does Tuesday night work?” Cynthia blurted. Evan looked up at her, meeting her eyes. She was so sad- her red, tear-filled eyes made Evan feel terrible for being sad and anxious because this woman was dealing with the loss of her son whereas Evan was just dealing with himself…  He found himself nodding again, unable to speak. “Great.” A small smile appeared on her face and Evan flinched back, remembering Connor’s similar smile just 4 days ago in the computer lab.

 

Evan left the principal’s office a few minutes later with the Murphy’s house address and a date and time he was supposed to be there to talk more about his fake friendship with their dead son…

 

The fact kept slamming into Evan like a train- _Connor Murphy had killed himself_.

 

_Connor Murphy was dead._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Generally whenever Evan gets worked up or panicked, the paragraphs get longer and harder to read due to the lack of punctation... Sorry if that gets difficult, but that's how I imagine Evan's thoughts flowing when he's panicking. 
> 
> Please tell me what you think!


	3. Perjury

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan knew that Connor could be mean, but he also knew that Connor could be nice. He remembered those few moments in the computer lab, when Connor had been… had been nice to Evan, offering to sign his cast and asking what had happened- which was more than anyone had done all day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the plot, dialogue, or characters. I only own my own writing
> 
> Again, Evan's thoughts are italicized and any writing (texting or letters or whatever) are both italicized and underlined.

_Jared Koolman: Holy. Shit._

 

An appropriate response, Evan thought. He couldn’t believe it himself- he couldn’t believe what a _mess_ he had gotten himself into by simply being too awkward and too scared to explain. But… he couldn’t explain- not without admitting that their son had stolen the letter from him and shoved him. After seeing his mom… Evan wasn’t sure if he could tell her the truth. But he couldn’t keep lying.

 

Evan was caught. He hated being caught… It made him feel panicked and trapped- more than usual.

 

_Me: I didn’t say anything. I couldn’t say anything_

 

_Jared Koolman: Holy. Fucking. Shit._

 

_Me: They invited me for dinner. They want to know more stuff about Connor and me, about our “friendship”_

 

_Jared Koolman: What are you going to tell them?_

 

Evan didn’t know himself. He didn’t want to lie- he _couldn’t_ lie because he was terrible at lying and this was too big and too serious to lie about. Telling the truth didn’t seem like a good option either. But it was the better option.

 

_Me: I mean- the truth_

 

_Jared Koolman: Yeah, I hate to tell you this, Evan, but you may have already perjured yourself._

 

_Me: Isn’t that only when you’re under oath? Like, in a courtroom?_

 

_Jared Koolman: Well, weren’t you under oath? In a way?_

 

_Me: No?_

 

Sometimes, Jared just didn’t make sense. But then again, Evan had no place to judge. Evan never made sense.

 

_Jared Koolman: Look, do you want to listen to me or do you want to have another meltdown like last year in English when you were supposed to give that speech about Daisy Buchanan, but instead you just stood there staring at your notecards and saying, “um, um, um” over and over again like you were having a brain aneurysm?_

 

Evan cringed at the memory. He’d said “um, um, um” for at least a minute before running out of the room to have a panic attack in the bathroom. Jared had come a few minutes later- only because the teacher had forced him to, Evan thought- and attempted to calm him down. It had been a bad day.

 

It had been a bad _year_.

 

Evan shut his eyes. _That day, Connor Murphy had been alive. He had been in that_ class _._

 

_Me: What do you expect me to do? Just keep lying?_

 

_Jared Koolman: I didn’t say, “lie.” All you have to do is just nod and confirm. Whatever they say about Connor, you just nod your head and say, “yeah, that’s true.”_

 

_Jared Koolman: Don’t contradict and don’t make shit up. It’s foolproof. Literally, nothing I tell my parents is true and they have no idea._

 

Evan sighed, shaking his head. He was no good at lying- the Murphy’s would see straight through him and they’d figure it out and get mad at him for trying to lie to them- why would he lie to them after their son had just committed suicide?! Evan shouldn’t- he _couldn’t_ , not now. Not about that. He’d have to tell them the truth…

 

_Me: They were so sad. His parents? His mom was just… I’ve never seen anyone so sad before._

 

_Jared Koolman: Well, then good thing you’re about to tell her the truth about your sex letter. I’m sure that will cheer her right up._

 

He had a point. Evan shut his eyes, dropping his phone onto his stomach as he leaned back onto his bed, staring up at his still ceiling fan. He had no idea what he was going to do- no idea what to tell the Murphy’s- and he only had a few days to figure it out- but Evan knew that those few days would fly by until they were gone and then Evan would have wasted all of the time and oh god, what if he hurt the Murphy’s with whatever choice he made?! He just wanted to help them- he couldn’t hurt them.

 

His phone buzzed with a notification. Evan picked it up, confused- and then he realized that Alana Beck at just tweeted something. Evan wasn’t sure why he had a Twitter- he never used it and he rarely had notifications from it. The tweet appeared on his screen and Evan slowly read it.

 

_@AlanaBeck: Still can’t believe the terrible news about @ConnorMurphy. I wouldn’t say that we were “friends”, exactly. More like acquaintances. We were in Chemistry together. I’m pretty sure. He was also- he was in my English class in tenth grade,Yeah, he was definitely in my English class. I’m almost positive. Three days ago, Connor Murphy was here and now… Now he’s gone. If Connor meant something to you, please retweet. Or private message me if you just want to talk. At times like these, we could all use a friend._

 

Evan shut off his phone, his mind reeling. If he had died falling out of that tree, would Alana have tweeted about him? _Probably not. No one cared about him. No one would care enough to have to decide whether or not to lie about being his friend to his family_. Evan sighed, rubbing his eyes as he turned both options over in his head again.

 

 _If I do what Jared said_ , Evan thought finally, what felt like hours later. _Then maybe they’ll realize that I’m boring and won’t invite me back… Maybe that’s the best option…_

 

 

****************************

 

 

“Would anyone else like some more chicken?” Larry asked a few tense minutes later. The silence had been almost unbearable, but Jared’s words repeated in Evan’s mind- _Don’t contradict and don’t make shit up._ If he spoke, he’d definitely do that. He needed to just nod and confirm, as Jared said. Evan could do that without fucking up… Right?

 

“I think you’re the only one with an appetite, Larry.” Cynthia said softly, sipping her glass of wine. The Murphy’s had a nice dining room- no, the Murphy’s had a nice _house_. Evan had known that they were rich (a hell of a lot richer than Evan’s family), but sitting in their dining room on the chairs that probably cost more than Evan’s closet and drinking water from glasses that probably cost more than Evan had ever had in his life made him feel more out of place than ever. Evan didn’t belong here- he didn’t belong anywhere, but he _definitely_ didn’t belong here.

 

“The Harrises brought it over.” Larry said softly, setting down the platter of chicken as he moved back towards his seat.

 

“Did Connor tell you about the Harrises?” Cynthia asked softly and Evan realized that she was talking to him now. _Nod and confirm_. Evan shook his head rapidly, fiddling with the tablecloth under the table so no one could see because if they could see, they’d figure out that he was lying and they’d kick him out and never want to talk to him again and he’d have hurt them the way he didn’t want to hurt anyone. “We used to go skiing together, our families.” Cynthia kept going.

 

“Connor loved skiing.” Evan blurted after nodding again.

 

“Connor hated skiing.” Zoe’s cold words seemed to hit Evan across the face. His heart stopped and he quickly attempted to back track. “Well, right. That’s what I meant. Connor loved… talking about how much he hated skiing.” It sounded incredible fake, even to Evan.

 

“So you guys, you… you hung out a lot?” Cynthia asked hesitantly, as if she knew that Evan was lying or was scared of what Evan would say.

 

Evan nodded, staring down at his uneaten chicken on his pretty china plate that was much too good for him to touch. “Pretty much.”

 

“Where?” Zoe demanded.

 

“Oh you mean, like, where did we…?” Evan looked up, swallowing hard. _What else would she mean, dumbass?_ Evan didn’t have time to think- he just spoke, which was never a good thing because he would always say the wrong thing. “Well, we mostly hung out at my house. I mean, sometimes we’d come to his house is nobody else was here. We would email a lot though, mostly. So we wouldn’t have to, he didn’t want to always hang out. In person, you know?” Evan forced himself to stop talking.

 

Zoe crossed her arms, staring at Evan. It was like she _knew_ \- she probably did, they probably all knew and were just waiting for Evan to say something and then they’d all yell at him and they’d hate Evan more than Evan hated himself and _oh god_ \- “We looked through his emails. There aren’t any from you.” She said.

 

“Well, no, of course, yeah, I mean, that’s because we had a different account.” Evan blurted before going into more depth. He was already breaking Jared’s rule- _Don’t contradict and don’t make shit up_. “A secret account. I should have said that before. That was probably very confusing.”

 

“Why was it secret?” Zoe asked coldly.

 

“Just so that no one else could, it was more private, I guess, that way.” Evan mumbled, pulling at his frayed cast now. He was caught- he was so caught, they’d know because Evan was a shitty liar and he just shouldn’t have lied in the first place, he should have explained that it was all a big misunderstanding…

 

“He knew you read this emails.” Cynthia said softly, looking up at Larry.

 

“Somebody had to be the bad guy.” Larry answered. They met eyes and a cold silence fell between them. Evan hated it- he’d caused the silence. It was his fault.

 

Zoe looked away from her parents and over at Evan again, leaning forwards. “The weird thing is, the only time I ever saw you and my brother together was when he shoved you at school last week.” _Shit_.

 

“He shoved you?” Cynthia’s eyes widened and she turned to look at Evan too.

 

“No, I um… I tripped.” Evan added quickly.

 

“No, I was there! I was the whole thing.” Zoe looked like she wasn’t sure whether to feel bad for Evan or to be mad at him. It was like she knew- she definitely _knew_ … “He pushed you, hard.”

 

“ _Oh_. I remember now.” Evan said, his mouth moving faster than his mind as he tried, desperately, to explain away why his supposed best friend had shoved him in the hallway the first day of school. “That was a misunderstanding. Because, the thing was, he didn’t want us to talk at school and I had tried to talk to him at school. It wasn’t that big a thing. It was my fault.”

 

 _Fake- it all sounds fake_. Evan took a deep breath, wondering- again- why he had started talking in the first place. If he’d just shut up- or, better yet, told the truth- then he wouldn’t be in this mess, he’d apologize to the Murphy’s and say he was sorry for their loss and then they would go their separate ways. But Evan felt… he felt like he had to help, but this wasn’t helping- this was _lying_.

 

“Why didn’t he want you to talk to him at school?” Zoe asked, almost laughing at how stupid it sounded.

 

“He didn’t really want people to know we were friends.” Evan said, looking down at his hands as he struggled for words, for an explanation. “I guess he was embarrassed. A little.”

 

“Why would he be embarrassed?” Cynthia asked softly. She sounded confused.

 

“Um. I guess because he thought I was sort of…” Evan looked up, shrugging slightly. _A nobody. A loser._ It was what Connor had probably thought of his anyways- at least he wasn’t lying then. “You know…”

 

“A nerd?” Zoe supplied coldly. She sounded cold and almost… _mean_. Evan had never heard her sound this way before- she had always been nice to him. But, he was lying to her and he was almost positive that she knew he was lying, so she had every right to be cold and mean to him because Evan deserved it.

 

“Zoe.” Larry said softly.

 

Zoe added, “Isn’t that what you mean?” She looked up at him, leaning back in her chair and crossing her arms again.

 

“Loser, I was going to say actually. But nerd works, too.” Evan nodded at Zoe before looking down at his uneaten food, his stupid cast with Connor’s name on it, at his shaking legs… _What had he gotten himself into?! He couldn’t do this- this wasn’t okay, he didn’t have any right to talk about Connor when he hadn’t done anything to save him or when he hadn’t even_ known _him_!

 

“That wasn’t very nice.” Cynthia said, setting down her wine glass.

 

Zoe laughed a little, but it wasn’t a warm, happy laugh. It sounded mean and cold. Evan hated hearing Zoe sound this way, even when it wasn’t directed at him. “Well, Connor wasn’t very nice, so that makes sense.”

 

“Connor was…” Cynthia struggled for words, as if she was trying to hold herself together- which Evan suspected she was. “He was a complicated person.”

 

“No, Connor was a bad person.” Zoe looked up at her, glaring at her mother. “There’s a difference.”

 

“Zoe, please.” Larry started, but Zoe cut him off quickly. “Don’t pretend like you don’t agree with me.”

 

 _What had Connor done that was so bad?_ Evan wondered. He hadn’t really known Connor- he had known that Connor most likely smoked drugs and that he slept in his classes and didn’t really pay attention, but there were loads of kids like that. He knew that Connor could be mean- after all, he’d shoved Evan twice that day (and there were times before that, too)- but he also knew that Connor could be nice. He remembered those few moments in the computer lab, when Connor had been… had been _nice_ to Evan, offering to sign his cast and asking what had happened- which was more than anyone had done all day.

 

 _And now he’s gone_.

 

Cynthia shook her head, looking to her daughter desperately as she stood up, walking over towards the wine cabinet. “You refuse to remember any of the good things. You refuse to see anything positive-”

 

Zoe cut her mom off. “Because there were no good things! What were the good things?”

  
“I don’t want to have this conversation in front of our guest-” Cynthia walked faster. Evan felt a pang of guilt- _he should just leave he should stop them from yelling it was all his fault so he had to fix it, it was all his fault_ …

 

Zoe whirled around to look at her, her voice rising to a yell. Evan flinched back slightly, pulling at the fraying cast more and more, willing it to unravel. “ _What were the good things, mom_?! Tell me.”

 

“There were good things!” Cynthia was yelling back and Evan found himself talking over both of them without thinking, without _realizing_ until he was halfway through his sentence. “I remember a lot of good things about Connor.” Both women fell silent and Evan froze, his words registering in his mind. _Oh god what had he done oh god oh god ohgod_ -

 

“Like what?” Zoe asked, her voice soft now, almost like she couldn’t believe that Evan had spoken.

 

Immediately, Evan pulled himself back further into his chair, _hating_ himself for speaking, for lying, for being in the Murphy house, for trying to do something nice but _failing_ because this wasn’t _nice_ , this was lying, it wasn’t good- _Evan_ wasn’t good. “Never mind. I shouldn’t have, I’m sorry, never mind…” He stammered, looking away. He looked desperately towards the door.

 

“No, Evan. You were saying something.” Cynthia said quickly, moving towards him until she was standing behind him.

 

“It doesn’t matter. Really, I-” Evan’s hands were shaking as he tried to think of an excuse, any way that he could leave because he shouldn’t do this, he _couldn’t_ do this to them, not after they’d lost their son…

 

“We want to hear what you have to say.” Cynthia’s hand rested on Evan’s shoulder. Evan froze again, but for a different reason. _We want to hear what you have to say_. “Please.”

 

They wanted to _hear_ him. They wanted to _listen_ to him.

 

Evan looked up at Cynthia Murphy- at the shattered, grieving mother. He began to speak, slowly because these people would _listen_ to him and if they listened to him, Evan had to help them back… No, suddenly he _wanted_ to help them- it was more than feeling like he had too, it was deeper. Evan _wanted_ to help. “Well, I was just… Connor and I… we had a really great time together, this one day recently?” Evan looked around, wishing someone would give him a clue as to what to say- something that would make sense, because even if it was a lie, Cynthia Murphy deserved to have one good memory of her son. “That’s something that I remember about Connor. That’s what I keep thinking about. That day…” Evan’s eyes desperately looked around the room before landing on the centerpiece on the table- a bowl full of apples. “That day at the… At the apples… um… that apples… place.” He fell silent. None of them said anything and Evan shook his head, hating himself for trying- he hadn’t helped, he probably had just confused them or made them mad with his pathetic lies. “Anyway. It’s, I know it was stupid. I don’t know why I brought it up and-”

 

“He took you to the orchard?” Cynthia’s voice was soft, almost as if she couldn’t believe it.

 

Evan looked up and met her eyes. Tears sparkled in her brown eyes, but they were happy, Evan realized suddenly. He found himself nodding frantically again. “Yes. He did.”

 

“When?” Cynthia asked.

 

“Once. It was just that once.” Evan nodded, his mind racing as he realized that he’d connected- somehow, he had found a place that was maybe- _hopefully_ \- connected to good memories. “But. He said the apples there were the best…”

 

“I thought that place closed years ago?” Larry added, a little confused and Evan cursed himself. _Idiot_.

 

“Exactly. Which was why we were so bummed when we got there, because it’s completely, it’s totally closed down now.” Evan added quickly, pulling at his cast again as he looked from Larry’s cold but warming expression to Zoe’s impassive one up to Cynthia, who was smiling. _Smiling_.

 

“We used to go to the orchard all the time. We’d do picnics out there.” Cynthia was saying, her smile widening a little as she looked to her daughter. “Remember that, Zoe?”

 

“Yeah.” Her voice had changed. It was lighter, not as cold or mean. Sadder, almost. “I do.”

 

“You and Connor had that little toy plane you would fly.” Cynthia said, her smile turning to her husband. “Until you flew it into the creek.”

 

“That…” Larry’s face broke into a small smile too and Evan’s heart leapt. _He had… he had done it._ “That was an emergency landing.”

 

“I can’t believe he took you there…” Cynthia’s smile made Evan smile too. “I bet that was fun. I bet you two…” Her smile dulled a little, as if remembering that Connor was gone. “I bet you had fun.”

 

“We did. The whole day was just…” Evan struggled to figure out a story and his mind took off, his mouth just barely following as he attempted to explain the fake day he had spend with Connor Murphy- just to make his mom happy again, to give her another memory that wasn’t bad. “It was end of May… or early June and I just… I remember it looking like a picture, it was just…”

 

A thought struck Mrs. Murphy and she turned to look at her husband. “What was the name of that ice cream place out there we loved?”

 

It took him a moment, but Larry answered, “À La Mode.”

 

“That was it!” Cynthia turned towards Zoe, who still looked impassive- as if she couldn’t believe what was happening. Evan didn’t blame her- he couldn’t believe it either. “À La Mode. And they had that homemade hot fudge…”

 

“We drove down the… the winding country road and we stopped and got ice cream at… À La Mode,” He nodded at Cynthia, who’s smile returned at the thought of her son and Evan Hansen eating ice cream at the old place that they had loved. “And then we were there.”

 

“We’d sit in that meadow with all the sycamores. And you and your brother would look for four leaf clovers.” Cynthia explained, looking at Zoe again. Evan had a sudden picture in his mind of little Connor and Zoe Murphy sitting in a meadow, looking in the grass for four leaf clovers.

 

Evan nodded, bouncing off of what Cynthia was saying. “Yes, we went to a spot like that. Connor and I would just… we’d find a spot and… just… talk and quote songs by our favorite bands and share jokes that no one else would understand and we’d just… sit there and look up, seeing the sky as it rolled on for forever and faded into orange and yellow and pink and… It was just… it was… perfect…” He finished, the image in his mind hopefully close enough to what the park actually looked like- Evan prayed that, after all of this explaining and… and _lying_ , just to get a smile and to help the Murphy’s heal, he wouldn’t somehow fuck it up with a wrong word.

 

“I’d completely forgotten about that place.” Larry said softly, almost in shock and… sad. Larry Murphy didn’t seem like the type of person who showed his emotions often- if at all.

 

“Well, I guess Connor didn’t.” Cynthia looked over, the smile still on her face. Evan couldn’t tell if it was sad or happy or both. “Did he?”

 

Evan shook his head. “No, no he didn’t… Not at all, he loved it there… We would just… we’d walk around a while and talk about… what we wanted to do when we got out of school… Like, um… like biking the Appalachian Trail or… or writing a book or learning to sail… We’d… we’d talk about _everything_ , like girls… girls that we wished would notice us but never do…” Evan glanced over at Zoe before realizing she was _looking at him and shit_ \- “Uhh, I… Um, I remember he just… he looked at me and smiled and said… he said ‘There’s nowhere else I’d rather be’ and I just, I smiled back and said ‘Me too’ because it was… it was true and we just… took in the view…

 

“I mean, it was beautiful- all of the trees and the field and the _sky_ it…” Evan smiled, the picture in his head more beautiful than almost anything he’d imagined and he just couldn’t stop talking, couldn’t stop imagining- because everytime he looked at Cynthia Murphy, her eyes were wide and she seemed… happy, happy to hear about this “day” that Evan and her son had spent together. And Evan just… he couldn’t hurt her- he couldn’t let her down. “It was… amazing… And then he called my name, running across the field towards a tree and we stood at the bottom, wondering how the world might look from up so high and we started to climb, one branch at a time, and we just got higher and higher and when I finally looked up, I realized that I’d climbed to almost the top and the sun was shining down on my face and it was just… it was beautiful… I looked over at Connor and he was smiling and he looked at me to say something when- when the branch cracked and… and then-”

 

Evan paused, the words tumbling out of his mouth before he could stop them. “And then… I fell. My arm went numb and I just… I looked up into the tree and saw him climbing down and he was… Connor, he was coming to get me.” He shut his eyes, _wishing_ this had been real but he just couldn’t stop talking, couldn’t stop pretending because the real memory was terrible and this was much better and maybe, if he believed it, this would become real… “And, even though my arm was broken, everything was… it was okay…” Evan opened his eyes again, his heart pounding as he looked up at the Murphy family- Larry, with his stiff and sober gaze, which had softened at the story; Cynthia, who was crying but smiling and shaking her head; and _Zoe_ , who didn’t seem to know what to say or how to react. “It was just…” Evan voice faltered and he looked away, forcing himself to finish before he messed anything else up- he couldn’t _believe_ that he’d just said all of that without messing something up…  “It was a perfect day…”

 

Cynthia shook her head, her watery smile widening as she stepped towards him. “Evan… Thank you…” She wrapped her arms around him, pulling Evan into a warm hug. “Thank you, thank you, thank you!” Evan, for a moment, didn’t understand- didn’t know what to do. Then, he realized- she’d listened. They’d _all_ listened and, even if he’d been lying, it was… it was something- and he’d _helped_. He hadn’t made it worse- he’d actually _helped them_. Slowly, he wrapped his own arms back around her, smiling.

 

Evan realized that he’d probably freak out later because he’d just lied off his ass for 5 minutes straight to the grieving Murphy family about their dead son who had killed himself. But, at the moment, it seemed right- it seemed believable that Connor and Evan had been friends. And, now, after not having anything good to remember Connor by, Evan figured he could at least give the Murphy’s this.

 

 

****************************

 

_All we see is sky for forever_

_We let the world pass by for forever_

_Buddy, you and I for forever this way_

_This way_

_All we see is light_

_Cause the sun burns bright_

_We could be all right for forever this way_

_Two friends_

_True friends_

_On a perfect day_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy New Year! I hope 2018 is a great year for everyone!
> 
> This chapter is a little shorter, but I split up For Forever and Sincerely, Me (they were originally going to be together but it was like 10-11 thousand words and I felt that was too long). The updates will probably become more irregular from here, due to school starting up again. I have the next chapter basically finished (due to splitting For Forever and Sincerely, Me) so that can be expected sooner rather than later, but after that, I don't know when the next next chapter will be.
> 
> If you like this or have any feedback at all, please comment or leave kudos!


	4. Emails

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Me: $2,000?!?!
> 
> Jared Koolman: $500?
> 
> Me: I can give you $20
> 
> Jared Koolman: Fine. But you’re a dick!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the plot, dialogue, or characters. I only own my own writing

_ Jared Koolman: His parents think you were lovers. You realize that, right? _

 

Evan’s eyes widened. It didn’t make sense- why would they think that?! He’d just said that they were friends- not anything more than friends. Jared must just be messing with him- that was it. Besides- Evan was Evan. Evan was unloveable- no one in their right mind would ever want to date him. 

 

_ Me: What?! Why would they think that? _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Um, you were best friends but he wouldn’t let you talk to him at school? And when you did, he kicked your ass? That’s like the exact formula for secret gay high school lovers _

 

His stomach dropped as Evan thought back to any book or TV show involving secret gay high school lovers that he had seen or read and…  _ oh god it was true he’d fucked up they were going to think that he and Connor had  _ dated…  _ What if they asked him and he panicked and said yes?? Evan couldn’t do that- he couldn’t do that, he couldn’t fake being in a relationship with Connor Murphy _ . 

 

_ Me: Oh my god _

 

_ Jared Koolman: This is why I told you- what did I tell you?! You just nod and confirm _

 

_ Me: I tried to. I just, you don’t understand. I got nervous and I started talking, and then once I started I just… _

 

_ Jared Koolman: You couldn’t stop _

 

The truth hit Evan as he wrote his next message. 

 

_ Me: They didn’t want me to stop _

 

_ Jared Koolman: So what else did you completely fuck up? _

 

_ Me: Nothing. Seriously _

 

_ Me: I mean I told them we wrote emails _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Emails _

 

Jared was making fun of him, Evan realized, while also prompting him- he could hear Jared’s voice saying that in his mind, the mocking tone Evan knew too well. His stomach dropped even further as he finished the text, his mind reeling. 

 

_ Me: Yeah, I told them that Connor and I wrote emails and that Connor had a secret email account… _

 

Sure enough, Jared’s sarcastic response greeted him moments later. 

 

_ Jared Koolman: OH RIGHT one of those secret email accounts SURE!!!! For sending pictures of your penises to each other!!! _

 

_ Me: Yeah and so I said, he had this secret account, and we should send emails to each other _

 

_ Jared Koolman: I mean, honestly? Could you be any worse at this? _

 

_ Probably not _ , Evan thought before another idea hit in, full force in the face. His palms began to sweat as he realized that the Murphy’s would want to read the emails that he and Connor had supposedly written. Of course, Evan could always say “oh they’re too private”, but their son had  _ died _ \- he had killed himself and the only reason that they had was a crumpled up letter in his pocket, a letter that was simply there at the wrong time that wasn’t even written by Connor Murphy. 

 

But this time, Evan didn’t have a solution- he didn’t have a way he could lie his way out of this without feeling like a complete and utter asshole. He couldn’t hurt the Murphy’s- it had been his one goal, to not hurt this family even more than they’d already been hurt- but he couldn’t think of a way out of this without hurting them.  _ Oh god what could he doing?! _

 

_ Me: They’re going to want to see our emails _

 

_ Jared Koolman: You think?! _

 

_ Me: What am I going to do?! _

 

_ Jared Koolman: I can do emails _

 

Evan’s eyes widened when he realized that his friend- sorry, family friend- might have a way out of this. Jared Kleinman- the one who Evan knew hated him and would rather be doing anything else than talking to  _ him _ \- was offering him a way out. 

 

_ Me: How? _

 

_ Jared Koolman: It’s easy. You make up an account, backdate the emails. There’s a reason I was the only CIT with key card access to the computer cluster this summer. I have skills, son _

 

_ Me: You would do that? _

 

_ Jared Koolman: For two grand _

 

Evan’s stomach dropped. He barely had any money- maybe the $20 his mom always left for food, but that was like stealing and he couldn’t take the money from his mom to buy food, which was basically essential, let alone for something like this… 

 

_ Me: $2,000?!?! _

 

_ Jared Koolman: $500? _

 

_ Me: I can give you $20 _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Fine. But you’re a dick! _

 

Evan sighed, taking a deep breath. Jared had agreed to help him fake emails to prove that he and Connor Murphy had actually been best friends- and  _ not _ lovers… He heard footsteps and shut off his phone as his mom walked into the room, a wide smile on her face. Evan hadn’t seen her in what felt like forever. 

 

“Hey you. I have some very exciting news.” She held up a bunch of papers, shaking them dramatically. “Look what I found online today: college scholarship essay contests! Have you heard of these?”

 

Evan didn’t think so, but it sounded easy enough to understand so he lied, almost instinctively. “I think so…”

 

His mom went on the explain. “NPR did a whole thing about it this morning. There are a million different ones you can do. A million different topics. I spent my whole lunch break looking these up…” She began to hand him certain pages. Evan glanced at them as she summarized them. “The John F. Kennedy Profile in Courage Scholarship- three thousand dollars, college of your choice. Henry David Thoreau Society, five thousand dollars…”

 

“Wow.” The idea of three thousand dollars to a college of his choice was… insane. His family hadn’t ever had much money and the idea of college had always scared Evan- his mom spending thousands of dollars for Evan to simply be anxious and failing his classes away from home. 

 

“College is going to be so great for you, honey.” His mom ran a hand through his hair, brushing it back from his face. “How many times in life do you get the chance to just… start all over again?”

 

“No, I know.” That possibility made Evan happier than he had been in a long time- the idea that he could try to start over, to not be so broken- or at least, to not be so public about it. He wanted it more than he wanted almost anything. 

  
“You’ve got so much, so many wonderful things ahead of you. High school isn’t always… the only people that like high school are cheerleaders and football players and those people all end up miserable anyways…” His mom shook her head before looking over at Evan again and adding, “Yeah, you’re going to find yourself in college. I really think so. I mean, I wish I could go with you… but…” Slowly, she said after a few moments of silence, “I just thought these were… it seemed like a neat idea.”

  
“It is. For sure.” Evan said quickly, looking up and feeling guilty for not feeling more enthusiastic about this- he should be happier and want to do this, to help his mom out and help her pay for his college tuition. 

  
“You’ve always been a wonderful writer. And we’re going to need all the help we can get for college…” She stepped away from him, shoving her hands into her pockets. Evan looked down. “Unless your step-mother has a trust fund for you I don’t know about, with all those fabulous trips she made cocktail waitressing…” An awkward silence fell between them, but Evan didn’t really know what to say to that. Both of them knew that his step-mother hadn’t put away any money for Evan because she and Evan’s father had moved away and hadn’t so much as given Evan and his mother a thought since they left- and it was all Evan’s fault; the divorce, the marriage, the move… All of it. “Hey. I, um, I got an email from your school today.” His mother said softly. “About a boy who killed himself?” Evan froze. “Connor Murphy? I didn’t, I had no idea.”

 

“Oh. Yeah. Well… I didn’t really know him.” Evan didn’t look up at her- he wasn’t sure that he could, despite the fact that, for once while talking about Connor Murphy, he was telling the truth. 

 

“You know that… if you ever, if you want to talk about anything…” His mom struggled for words and Evan realized she was trying to tell him that, if Evan was ever considering hurting himself, that he could talk to her. He almost smiled because- where had that been a month ago? Where had that been when he was on the top of that tree?  _ Where had her cares been when Evan was in the waiting room with a broken arm, completely and utterly alone? _ They’d been at work. They were always at work. 

 

She was still talking. “I realize that lately it must feel like, I’m always working or I’m in class…”

 

“It’s fine.” Evan said, almost bitterly because she didn’t  _ understand _ . 

 

“Well, I’m here. And if I’m not  _ here _ here, I’m a phone call away. Or text. Email. Whatever.” She smiled a little, as if saying that made it all better.

 

“Thanks.” Evan looked down, pulling at his frayed cast again. He wasn’t mad- not really-, more so just… sad. He remembered standing on that branch, looking out over the forest reserve. He’d wanted, for a moment, for someone to call his name and come join him. He’d wanted someone to find him standing atop that tree and to call him down. Evan would have listened. He wouldn’t have done what he did if someone had been there.

 

But no one had been there. So he had let go. 

 

“All right, it says ‘Connor’.” Evan looked up at his mom, a little confused. “Right there.” She was pointing at his cast. 

 

Evan stomach dropped and his mind searched for an explanation, a lie- or he could say that Connor had done it out of pity and that Evan really  _ didn’t _ know him. “Oh. Yeah. No.”

 

“You said you didn’t know him.” His mom said softly, her eyes on his. Evan couldn’t tell if she was mad or sad or what, so he quickly stated, “No. I didn’t. This is… it’s a different Connor.” There wasn’t another Connor at his school, but Evan’s mom didn’t know that. The only kids names she knew at Evan’s school were Jared Kleinman and Evan Hansen- and now Connor Murphy.

 

She smiled a little, because her son hadn’t been friends with the boy who killed himself. “I was so worried.”

 

“No. I’m sure.” Evan looked down. 

 

“Hey, you know what? How about I bag my shirt next Tuesday?” His eyes lifted, meeting his mothers. She was smiling, looking hopeful at the aspect of spending time with Evan. His heart leapt and he realized- he wanted her too, he wanted to see her, to talk to her (if she’d listen). But if she bagged her shift, then they’d only lose money that they needed. “I mean, when’s the last time we did a taco Tuesday?”

 

“Oh. You don’t have to…” Evan said softly, looking down again. Even if she did bag her shift, what were the chances she would want to listen to Evan? He’d avoid talking about if he was doing okay and she would avoid asking and they’d spend an evening awkwardly eating tacos and talking about anything but Evan’s mental health. 

 

“No, you’ve been back at school for a week already and I’ve barely seen you!” She smiled at him, in a way that made him feel guilty for thinking that she wouldn’t listen- but Evan knew better. “Maybe we could even start brainstorming those essay questions together.” 

 

Despite himself, he smiled a little, looking down at his feet. “That would be great.”

 

“Oh. That’s exciting. I’m excited now…” She said enthusiastically before crossing her arms and smiling again. “Something to look forward to.”

 

“Me too.” Evan glanced up at her before looking away again. 

 

“Are you okay on refills?” His mom asked, picking up the bottle of pills by his bed and examining the number of capsules inside. 

 

“Yes.” He said quickly, shutting his eyes for a moment. Conversations with his mom always seemed to end with this question- did he need more of the expensive drugs that didn’t seem to do much to quiet his anxiety, to fix it? 

 

“Well. Don’t stay up too late.” She nodded at him, moving towards the door to leave for work and class, not to be back at the house to see Evan for what felt like days- probably not until Taco Tuesday, if that would even end up happening. 

 

“I won’t.” Evan added softly. 

 

“I love you.” She smiled at him, pushing open his door and moving into the hallway. 

 

“I love you, too.” Evan echoed, looking up at her as she shut the door. And, once again, Evan was alone. 

  
  


****************************

  
  


“How’s ConnorMurphyLuvsWeed sound?” Jared asked, looking up from the page.  _ Create A Google Account _ stared up at the two of them. They’d been trying to think of usernames and passwords for what felt like years.

 

“Jared…” Evan sighed, putting his hands in his pockets. 

 

“Oh come on. We have to make it  _ realistic _ .” Jared was smiling, as if this was some sort of joke- as if anything about Connor Murphy was a joke now. 

 

“Jared, come on, please just…” Evan didn’t know what to say, other than the phrase that he had been repeating because Jared didn’t seem to understand how serious this was. “Take this seriously, please, this- this needs to be perfect-”

 

“I know, you’ve told me 15 times.” He sounded annoyed and Evan shut his eyes.  _ Fuck. Jared was going to leave him and then he was going to be all by himself with no one to help him or listen to him and Evan would be alone.  _ “What do  _ you _ think his email address should be then? You  _ were _ his best friend, after all-”

 

“Jared, stop.” Evan said quickly, feeling a flash of guilt- but he couldn’t do this if Jared didn’t  _ stop _ goofing around and take this seriously. 

 

“Alright,  _ fine _ . But we need an address.” He gestured to the empty box on the screen, almost annoyed that it was still empty- as if Evan should have filled it in by now. 

 

Evan bit his lip, playing with his cast again. “What… What about just… like ConnorMurphy@gmail? O-Or something like that?” He added quickly, seeing Jared’s expression. “It’s… I mean, it’s simple and…”

 

“Fine…” Jared sighed before typing it into the box-  _ ConnorMurphy@gmail.com _ . “You’re no fun, Evan. This email address could have been fucking  _ hilarious _ , but-”

 

“Well, it’s not supposed to be funny, Jared, it’s supposed to be serious-” Evan started before being cut off by Jared again. “I know, I know… Can we at least add a 420 at the end?” Evan glared at him and Jared rolled his eyes. “ _ Fine _ , Tree Boy, we’ll go with your idea… Password… MySisterIsHot69.” Before Evan could protest, Jared had completed creating the account. He looked up at Evan, smirking. “Alright, so let’s get it started now…” Jared cracked his knuckles, pulling up a Notes page, where they would write down the emails before sending and back dating them. Before Evan could suggest anything, Jared began to write. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ We’ve been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy and it sucks that we don’t talk that much. But I should tell you that I think of you each time. I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight _ .

 

Panic filled him and Evan stepped back from where he was standing behind Jared. “Why would you write that?!” He demanded. 

 

Jared was grinning as he looked up at Evan. “I’m just trying to tell the truth.”

 

“You know, if you’re not going to take this seriously-” Evan shook his head, reaching for the computer but Jared held his hand out, blocking Evan’s with his own. 

 

“Okay, you need to calm yourself.” He said slowly, shaking his head as Evan were the most pathetic thing he’d ever seen- which, Evan realized, he probably was. 

 

“This needs to be  _ perfect _ !” Evan repeated for what felt like the millionth time. “This needs to prove that we were actually friends. They have to be completely realistic.”

 

“There is nothing unrealistic about the love that one man feels for another.” Jared stood up, gesturing towards the fragment of the letter. 

 

“Just…” Evan shook his head.  _ He wasn’t taking this seriously and he wasn’t going to take it seriously because he’s Jared and he thinks this is just a big joke but it’s not it’s not a joke at all this is serious and it might be the most important thing I’ve ever done in my life _ . “Let’s go back.”

 

“In fact, some would say there’s something quite beautiful…” Jared kept going before Evan pushed him back and sat down in his chair, pulling the computer closer to him. “Let’s go back, Jared.” Evan took a breath before beginning to write. 

 

_ I gotta tell you, life without you has been hard _ .

 

“Hard?” Jared asked. Evan backspaced, shaking his head at his friend’s immaturity. 

 

_ I gotta tell you, life without you has been bad. _

 

“Bad?” Jared interjected again. Evan took another deep breath-  _ just breathe just breathe it’s okay the Murphy’s won’t really care what synonym for hard Evan uses, but it has to be perfect and _ … He typed out another response. 

 

_ I gotta tell you, life without you has been rough _ .

 

Jared nodded, smiling, as if Evan had finally got it right. “Kinky.”

 

_ And I miss talking about life and other stuff _ .

 

“Very specific.” Jared laughed. 

 

Evan shook his head, fed up with Jared’s criticisms because Evan criticize himself enough as it was, he didn’t need Jared making him feel worse- but Jared was the only person who would tolerate being around him (but it was only for car insurance) so Evan couldn’t say anything. “Shut up.” 

 

_ I like my parents _ -

 

“Who says that?” Jared rolled his eyes and Evan agreed- it sounded pathetic and, if Evan was to be making them feel better, love was the right word. Not like.  _ God, was he even thinking?! Maybe Jared has a reason to be criticizing Evan’s writing. His mom was wrong, he wasn’t good at writing- he was terrible, he wouldn’t ever win a scholarship contest and no college would take him because he couldn’t afford any of them and _ \- He forced himself to write, attempting to ignore his racing mind. 

 

_ I love my parents but each day’s another fight.  _ _ If I stop smoking drugs, then everything might be alright _ . 

 

Jared laughed, shaking his head before pointing to two words in the letter and repeating them out loud, so Evan could hear how ridiculously fake and stupid his writing sounded. “‘Smoking drugs’?”

 

Evan jerked up from his seat, shaking his head as he struggled to breathe, struggled to calm down. “Just fix it.”

 

“This isn’t realistic at all.” Jared pointed at the letter, shaking his head because Evan was  _ useless _ . “I doesn’t even sound like Connor!”

 

He attempted to protest, to explain what he’d been thinking- however stupid it may be. “I want to show that I was, like, a good friend. That I was trying to help him. You know?” 

 

Jared shook his head, laughing as he sat down in the seat to write more. “Oh my God…” He said pathetically, because Evan was pathetic and stupid and couldn’t write a fake letter to himself from Connor Murphy to save his life. 

 

_ If I stop smoking crack _ -

 

Evan’s eyes widened at the world. That was much- Connor had smoked weed, that much everyone knew, but crack? “Crack?!” Jared rolled his eyes before deleting the word. 

 

_ If I stop smoking pot, then everything might be alright. I’ll take your advice. I’ll try to be more nice. I’ll turn it around, wait and see. Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention. It’s easy to change if you give it your attention. All you gotta do is just believe you can be who you wanna be.  _

 

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me _

 

Jared sighed, almost annoyed as he looked up at Evan with a bored expression. “Are we done yet?”

 

Evan shook his head because they couldn’t be done after one email- Evan had to respond and then Connor responded to Evan and they went back and forth because that’s what friends did, right? “I can’t just show them  _ one _ email-”

 

“Okay. Please stop hyperventilating.” Jared rolled his eyes at Evan, who was  _ not _ hyperventilating- he might be panicking a little bit, but he was  _ not _ hyperventilating. 

 

“I’m not hyperventilating.” Evan shook his head as Jared stood up. 

 

“You’re having considerable trouble breathing.” Jared said. Evan couldn’t tell if he was making fun of him or not- because he wasn’t having trouble breathing and he wasn’t hyperventilating- he was just trying to write a series of emails from Connor Murphy to himself and vise versa to prove to Connor Murphy’s family that he and Connor had been best friends. 

 

Maybe he was panicking more than he thought. 

 

“I’m having no trouble breathing.” Evan protested, shaking his head. 

 

“Do you need a paper bag to breathe in?” Jared asked, definitely making fun of him now. 

 

Evan shook his head, pushing Jared away from the laptop with force he didn’t know he had. “I am NOT HYPERVENTILATING!” He nearly yelled.  _ Oh god- what had he done, Jared was going to leave because Evan had yelled at him and Jared was going to be gone and never talk to him again _ \- But Jared was laughing, pushing the chair towards Evan and Evan realized that he found this  _ funny _ . But it was better than leaving. Evan sat down in the chair and began to type a new letter, this one from himself. 

 

_ Dear Connor Murphy,  _

_ Yes, I also miss our talks. Stop doing drugs, just try to take deep breaths and go on walks. _

 

“No…” Jared said from beside him. Evan ignored him. 

 

_ I’m sending pictures of the most amazing trees. _

 

“No!” He was laughing a little more now. Evan continued to ignore him. 

 

_ You’ll be obsessed with all my forest expertise _ .

 

“Absolutely  _ not _ .” He was nearly cackling now, which made Evan mad- but also sad, because Evan loved trees. Jared said it was weird- his “tree kink”, which wasn’t what it was- Evan just liked trees and nature because it was peaceful and beautiful and the trees wouldn’t judge him. Evan continued to write, hating himself for lying to the Murphy’s with every word. 

 

_ Dude, I’m proud of you. Just keep pushing through. You’re turning around, I can see _ . 

 

“Evan, this is  _ so gay _ .” Jared laughed, putting a hand on Evan’s shoulder. Evan flinched away from his touch. “Are you sure you and the dead Murphy weren’t gay for each other?”

 

“Jared-” He protested. 

 

Jared sighed, exasperated. “Yeah, yeah, alright  _ fine _ …” His eyes scanned Connor’s letter again and he gasped. “Wait- we’re missing something here.” He leaned over Evan and typed another sentence at the end. 

 

_ P.S. My sisters hot _ .

 

Evan looked up at Jared, his eyes wide. “What the hell?”

 

Jared was laughing as he erased it. “My bad.”

 

Evan shook his head and kept writing, drafting a new series of emails without meaning too. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

_ Thanks for every note you send _

 

_ Dear Connor Murphy, _

_ I’m just glad to be your friend. _

_ Our friendship goes beyond your average kind of bond. _

_ But not become we’re gay _ . _ No, not because we’re gay.  _

_ We’re close, but not that way. The only man that I love is my dad. _

 

“Jesus Christ Evan.” Jared whined while also laughing. “Are you guys  _ sure _ ?”

 

“I just, I want them to know…” Evan said softly, looking down at his hands because it had seemed like a good idea- and he didn’t want the Murphy’s to think that he and Connor had… you know, dated. It was bad enough pretending to be his friend- he wasn’t sure he could live with himself if Evan had to pretend to have dated Connor because then they’d have a million more questions that Evan wouldn’t have the answers too and it would all fall apart as quickly as Evan had constructed it and… He sighed, shutting his eyes. 

 

“Would you  _ actually _ say that to someone though? Like, be honest.” Jared was saying, laughing harder. 

 

“I-I mean…” Evan stammered, hating himself as Jared kept going, cutting him off as he continued to prove Evan wrong and devalutizing what Evan had written. “No, you wouldn’t. Neither would Connor fucking Murphy.”

 

“S-Sorry, I just-” Evan shook his head, apologizing as Jared continued to talk, cutting him off time and time again. “I know, you wanna make sure that the Murphy family doesn’t think you guys were fucking behind their backs-”

 

“No, no, no, Jared, come on that’s…” Evan sighed before looking up at his fri- family friend. “I just don’t want it to come off the wrong way, you know?” He looked back down at the drafts on Jared’s laptop.   
  


Jared shrugged, looking down at Evan- he could feel Jared’s gaze on him, staring into him with the annoyed  _ come on Evan  _ look that Evan brought on so easily just be being him. “You could just have him ask you out and you say you’d rather be friends- cause I’m pretty sure Murphy was gay-”

 

“But if he wasn’t?” Evan looked up, slightly angry that Jared would even suggest something like this. What Evan was doing wasn’t okay- not by any means. But what Jared was suggesting? That was even worse. “No, Jared, I can’t- I can’t make up Connor’s sexuality when I wasn’t even his friend. He’s not a fictional character that I can just manipulate!” His voice rose and his breathing became more and more irregular and he realized that he might start hyperventilating soon because  _ this wasn’t okay at all it wasn’t okay what Evan was doing wasn’t okay _ … 

 

“Alright Tree Boy, are you sure you don’t need a paper bag-” Jared sounded slightly concerned now, but his words just made Evan even more mad. 

 

“ _ Yes _ Jared, I don’t need a paper bag!” He snapped, looking up at him as Evan struggled to breathe normally. 

 

“Alright, alright jeez…” A silence fell between them, taken up by Evan’s loud breaths as he calmed himself down… “How about I just share this with you and we can finish it some other night? My mom wanted me home by 4:30 to help her make dinner.” Jared added softly, but Evan knew it was code for “ _ I want to leave because you’re pathetic and I don’t want to deal with your bullshit anymore _ ”. 

 

“Okay.” Evan mumbled, hating himself for being so goddammit dramatic and stupid and  _ ugh _ …  _ why was he so stupid? _

 

“Okay?” Jared seemed confused.

 

Evan nodded again, sighing shakily as he shut Jared’s computer for him, sliding it towards him. “Yeah, yeah, that’s fine.” 

 

“Alright…” Jared grabbed his laptop, sliding it into his bag. He pulled the backpack over his shoulder and saluted Evan in goodbye, which was so Jared that it made Evan sorry that he had driven him away… again. “I’ll see you at school, Acorn.” He walked out of Evan’s room, leaving him alone. If Evan listened, he could almost hear Jared running down the stairs and out of his house. 

 

Running from Evan and the mess that he had made.

  
  


****************************

 

 

_ Cause all that it takes is a little reinvention _

_ It’s easy to change if you give it your attention _

_ All you gotta do _

_ Is just believe you can be who you wanna be _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sincerely, Me was so hard to write- or at least the end was because they all start singing at the same time and I had no idea how to finish it. I hope it turned out okay!
> 
> Please tell me what you think!!


	5. The Last Door at the End of the Hall

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Why are you in my brother’s room?” Evan’s head shot up and his eyes met Zoe Murphy’s.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the plot, dialogue, or characters. I only own my own writing
> 
> There's a lot of swearing at the end of the chapter (Evan's inner thoughts because he's pretty upset with himself lol), so if you're sensitive to that, it's there in the last few paragraphs.

It was cold and dark and wet. The damp air made it hard for Evan to breathe, but he forced himself too. He was crying, standing amongst a few people- the Murphy family and their extended cousins and aunts and uncles- in the cold, wet graveyard, watching as Connor Murphy’s casket was lowered into his grave. 

 

Evan had never been to a funeral once- he had never even set foot in a graveyard. It scared him too much- to think of how many people were all buried under the ground for different reasons and how they each had their own life story and, to think, how Evan would one day be just like them- buried in a wooden box, 6 feet under the ground, with nothing but a gravestone to signify that he had once been alive. It was stupid and childish, but it scared Evan more than he was willing to admit.

 

His eyes slowly lifted from the casket. He could barely breathe- the eulogies and speeches had been hard enough to get through, but now, watching his supposed “best friend’s” body being lowered into the ground? It was too much. 

 

Connor had looked… very dead, when Evan had gone up with the Murphy family to see his body before closing the casket forever. He looked sad- very, very sad, even in death- and, for the first time, Evan allowed himself to really look at him and take Connor Murphy in. 

 

He and Zoe definitely resembled each other- except Connor’s face was much thinner and sharper. His hair was the same length- _"very school shooter chic"_. He was tall- Connor Murphy was  _ tall _ , Evan realized. He was wearing all black, which wasn’t much different than what Evan always saw Connor in. It looked very similar to that last outfit that Evan had ever seen him in- no, he had realized moments later, it  _ was _ . Evan’s stomach had dropped when he realized-  _ he could have been the last person that Connor Murphy ever talked to before killing himself _ . The thought had made him feel sick and he forced himself to take a deep breath, his eyes trained on Connor’s face, tears brimming in his eyes. The sick feeling hadn’t gone away, but now the coffin was closed and Connor Murphy had seen his last moments of fresh air. 

 

Evan glanced up at the Murphy family. He was standing next to Larry, who hadn’t moved in ages. His face was stone cold and impassive. Evan didn’t understand- why wasn’t he crying? He had gathered that they hadn’t had the best relationship- but, surrounded by all crying people, shouldn’t Larry be crying? 

 

His stomach dropped even further when he realized that there was a lack of people really crying. The only one was Cynthia Murphy, who was sobbing into her hands with Zoe’s arm around her. Zoe was crying, but silently and she just looked… she looked sad, but there was an edge to it- an edge that made Evan think of Connor. 

 

_ Connor _ … 

 

It was just- it was all too much. Evan shook his head, a tear running down his face as he mumbled something like “S-Sorry” before stumbling away from the group. He couldn’t bare it- he couldn’t look at the grave- at  _ Connor Murphy’s grave _ \- anymore. He felt sick- here Evan was, crying and… and  _ pretending _ that this kid- that this  _ dead boy _ \- had been his best friend while Connor’s family was here, crying and grieving the death of their family member. Here was Cynthia Murphy- Connor’s  _ mother _ -, who was inconsolable and sobbing and  _ shattered _ . And Evan was here. Pretending.

 

He was had been on the outside, but now he had one foot in the door. And, for the first time in his life, Evan understood why he needed to stay on the outside.

 

This wasn’t his place. He shouldn’t be here- at Connor Murphy’s funeral. He shouldn’t ever talk to the Murphy’s again. 

 

But he was in too deep to back out now. Evan was stuck. 

  
  


****************************

  
  


He was about to do it- Evan was about to hand over his first fake email to the Murphy’s. His stomach ached with guilt and he hated himself so damn much, but after the funeral, Cynthia was constantly asking him if he could bring her an email-  _ any _ email- and Evan realized just how desperate she was. He’d forced himself to print out the first four emails he and Jared had been working on and handed them to her after school. Her eyes were wide as she looked down at the typed words, inhaling all of it. “There were just some of the emails I found.” Evan forced himself to say softly a few moments later. “I mean, I can print out more. I have a lot more….” The lie slipped out of his mouth almost… easily. “Connor and I emailed all the time.”

 

“It’s… difficult.” Cynthia said carefully, her eyes sparkling with tears. She looked up at Evan.”To read these, I mean.” Her eyes trained back on the fake email. “It doesn’t sound like Connor.”

 

Evan shut his eyes quickly-  _ fuck Jared was right I fucked up I messed up I’m sorry I’m sorry she’s going to figure it out and right after the funeral- no no no that’s not okay, I’m not okay shit _ … “I’m sorry. I um…” Evan shook his head, not moving to grab them from her but wishing he could- but he shouldn’t have given it to her, they are fake, he and Connor weren’t friends and he was just making everything worse the way he always did. “Maybe, I shouldn’t have…”

 

“No, no, I just…” She sighed, looking down at the emails before meeting Evan’s gaze again, but it was almost as if she couldn’t see him. “Gosh, I don’t remember the last time I heard him laugh.” A sad silence passed for a moment before she seemed to focus on Evan again. “But you two, you would…?”

 

Evan felt guilty- he felt more guilty than he had in maybe his entire life- but he nodded, lying again because he couldn’t stop… “No, yeah, we would, we laughed all the time.” Evan looked down at his feet, past the cast with the name CONNOR written on it, past his shaking hands… 

  
“There are more of these?” Cynthia asked suddenly. “More emails?”

 

“More…?” Evan looked up, a little confused- and then he realized, she believed him and she wanted  _ more _ \- more of her son, more of the side of him that she thought she didn’t know. Evan found himself lying again. “Yeah. There are a lot more.”

 

“We would love to see them.” Cynthia said, smiling as another tear rolled down her cheek. “We would love to see everything…” She glanced behind her, meeting her husband’s gaze. Evan had nearly forgotten that he was there. “Wouldn’t we?” Her tone was suddenly darker- almost angry. Evan fought the urge to flinch. 

 

“Mmhmmm.” Larry said, almost as if he didn’t register what she was saying. 

 

Evan shut his eyes. He felt responsible- for what, he wasn’t entirely sure… everything?- but it was eating him up inside. He should just leave- he had to think of an excuse to leave so he wouldn’t hurt the Murphy’s anymore… 

 

“Why are you here?” Zoe’s voice was harsh, but also confused and sad. Evan whirled around, his eyes wide as he met Zoe’s wide ones. His heart fluttered, pounding in his chest. In her hand, she had her guitar case and her backpack on her shoulders. Evan was at a loss for words- he didn’t know how to explain, especially to  _ her _ … 

 

“Oh Zoe.” Cynthia was smiling. “Wait until you see what Evan brought us- emails from your brother.” She held up the papers. Evan looked down at his feet, unsure how Zoe would react or how anyone would react- how  _ should _ they react? Zoe didn’t move. 

 

“How was your first day back?” Larry asked from where he was standing, still and silent.

 

“Terrific.” Zoe’s voice was monotonous and dry. “All of a sudden, everyone wants to be my friend.” Her tone rose a little bit, anger seeping into it. “I’m the dead kid’s sister, didn’t you know?”

 

“I’m sure they mean well.” Cynthia said softly and Evan seized the moment to cut in, “I should probably go…” because he shouldn’t stay here- not now, not when Zoe was upset because Evan would only make it worse, the way he made everything worse. 

 

“You’re not staying for dinner?” Cynthia turned to look at Evan, confused. Her eyes sparkled with tears and Evan almost changed his mind impulsively because he didn’t want to fail her, but he didn’t want to hurt her either and he needed… time, to figure out how he could get out of his without hurting her, or Larry, or Zoe, or anyone. 

 

“Oh. Well.” Evan shrugged awkwardly, pulling at the frayed edge of his cast, tugging at one of the pieces. “Just. I hadn’t planned on it…” 

 

“Then we’ll do another night. I can cook something for you…” Cynthia offered and Evan’s heart leapt. She was offering him home cooked food- something Evan hadn’t had in… in  _ years _ . She  _ wanted _ him to stay. 

 

But he found himself shaking his head and saying, “You don’t have too”, the same way he had with Connor in the computer lab. 

 

“It would be my pleasure. We would love to have you.” Cynthia smiled at him, her eyes no longer sparkling with tears. Evan couldn’t believe it-  _ we would love to have you _ . He’d never been wanted anywhere- not even at Jared’s house, because Jared rarely invited him over (unless he was forced to by his parents) and he always felt too awkward and too sweaty and too  _ Evan _ over there. But still- the offer lifted up his spirits while simultaneously crushing them because she didn’t know what he was doing, how he was… confusing them and giving them false ideas, false hopes… 

 

“Why don’t I show you out?” Larry said finally. 

 

“Oh.” Evan looked up, unsure what the feeling in his chest was- relief or dread. “Thanks…” He followed Larry out of the living room, nearly running into Zoe- pausing as he did, because maybe he could say something-  _ anything _ \- to her, before stepping around her and quickly walking away.  

 

The silence was almost welcoming- almost. Larry didn’t seem to know what to say and neither did Evan- well, Evan never knew what to say. He lead Evan through his house towards the front door, when Evan heard Zoe’s voice rise louder. “...going to kill me for no reason- that doesn’t mean that, all of a sudden, we’re the  _ fucking Brady Bunch _ !” 

 

Her words echoed in his mind.  _ Going to kill me _ . Did she mean Connor? Had Connor tried to kill his sister?! The thought made his stomach turn-  _ what _ ?! He couldn’t imagine it- Connor might have been scary and sort of mean, but… Attempting to kill Zoe was something that Evan couldn’t see her brother doing.

 

But then again, Evan didn’t know her brother.

 

Larry glanced back. “I should… get back to them.”

 

Evan nodded. “No. Yes, you should… Thank you, for… for showing me out…” He added lamely.

 

“Thank you.” Larry said, taking another glance at Evan- at his tense frame, his stupid-looking face, his awkward body… “For… for everything that you’re doing. I’m sorry.” He added awkwardly. “I know… I know this must be hard for you too. To tell Cynthia and I… about everything.” 

 

Evan looked at his feet, hating himself. “It’s… It’s… not a problem.” He added, smiling slightly before looking back at Larry. “Really.”

 

“No, but…” He took a deep breath before meeting Evan’s eyes. “We’re here for you too.” He said quickly. “I can tell that you and Connor were… were good friends and we are here for you if you need us. For anything.”

 

Evan’s heart swelled. He hadn’t expected Larry to say anything like that- he hadn’t expected  _ anyone _ to say anything like that ever, but especially not Larry Murphy. Even if it all was based on a lie, it was… it was the nicest thing that anyone had ever offered Evan in a long time. He smiled a little bit, nodding. “Thank you.” He said, really  _ meaning _ it. 

 

Larry nodded back before gesturing towards the door. “Have a good night, Evan.” He turned and walked back into his house, leaving Evan to grab his coat and shoes and leave. 

 

_ We’re here for you if you need us. For anything _ . 

  
  


****************************

  
  


Evan’s laptop made a dinging sound and a message popped up in the corner of his screen from his Facebook messenger. It was from Alana Beck. Evan clicked on it, a little nervous- why was Alana Beck talking to him? It couldn’t be about school- Evan was no good at school and Alana Beck was definitely good at school. His heart began to race.  _ Why was she talking to him?! _

 

_ Alana Beck: Evan. Hey, it’s Alana. How are you? How is everything? _

 

_ Me: Fine. Thanks _

 

Evan still didn’t understand. Alana had always been nice to him, but being nice wasn’t the same thing as wanting to be friends. Evan had learned that over the years and he couldn’t have any idea why  _ Alana Beck _ was trying to talk to  _ Evan Hansen _ . 

 

_ Alana Beck: Oh my God. Jared has been telling everyone about you and Connor, how close you guys were, how you were like best friends _

 

His heart stopped and Evan froze. 

 

_ Me: Oh _

 

_ Alana Beck: Everyone is talking about how brave you’ve been this week _

 

_ Everyone is talking _ - _ they’re talking about me?! _ His pulse began to race and Evan pulled his legs further towards him, the weight of the computer in his lap growing heavier and heavier because  _ people were talking about him and what were they saying was it good or bad?! _

 

_ Me: They are? _

 

_ Alana Beck: I mean, anybody else in your position would be falling apart. Dana P. was crying so hard at lunch yesterday, she pulled a muscle in her face. She had to go to the hospital. _

 

_ Me; Isn’t Dana P. new this year? She didn’t even know Connor _

 

_ Alana Beck: That’s why she was crying. Because now she’ll never get the chance.  _

 

It didn’t really make sense to Evan- but then again, it made total sense to Evan. After all, he had been crying at the funeral for his dead “best friend”. He had nearly begun to bawl when the Murphy’s had first told him about Connor’s suicide. Evan  _ had  _ come home and begun to cry. 

 

Another  _ ding! _ brought Evan’s attention back to the conversation. 

 

_ Alana Beck: Connor is really bringing the school together. It’s pretty incredible. People I’ve never talked to before, they want to talk to me now, because they know how much Connor meant to me. It’s very inspiring. I actually stated a blog about him, like a sort of memorial page? _

 

His heart stopped when a thought crossed his mind- had Alana and Connor been friends?! If they had been, then how could Evan keep it from Alana?! How could he lie to her- she would know right away, if they had been friends. It would be obvious to her and she would expose him and  _ oh god _ \- 

 

Evan forced himself to take a shaky breath, his fingers typing faster than he could think. 

 

_ Me: Were you friends with Connor, too? _

 

She didn’t respond for what felt like hours, but was only probably 30 seconds. 

 

_ Alana Beck: Acquaintances. But close acquaintances.  _

 

Evan let out a sigh of relief, shutting his eyes. Then he was disgusted with himself for being relieved- maybe if Alana had exposed him, it would all end before he could do anything else wrong to the Murphy’s. 

_  
_ _ Alana Beck: Can I tell you something? _

 

_ Me: Yeah sure _

 

_ Alana Beck: I think part of me always knew that you guys were hiding. You did a good job of hiding it. But. I don’t know. I could just tell.  _

 

_ What- _

 

“Who are you talking to on the computer?” His mom’s voice interrupted his thoughts, scaring him half to death. 

 

“Oh.” Evan shut the laptop immediately, staring out towards the foot of his bed. “Um. Just Jared. It was Jared.”  _ Alana had thought they were friends before?! She could tell?? What does that mean?! _

 

“It seems like you and Jared are spending more time together.” His mom sounded happy- really happy that Evan was spending time with Jared, because she didn’t know that Jared succeeded in making Evan feel stupid and horrible and worthless after almost every conversation- because his car insurance was the only reason that he ever talked to Evan and Jared made  _ sure _ that Evan knew that. “I’ve always said he’s a great friend for you…”

 

_ Family friend. It’s a totally different thing _ . Evan nodded slightly, the lie slipping off of his tongue as he set his laptop down. It was Tuesday night, which meant tacos with his mom. He got ready to get up and follow her downstairs. If she even wanted to do Taco Tuesday with Evan anymore. “Yeah, really great.”

 

“I’m proud of you. Putting yourself out there.” His mom said, smiling widely at him. She stepped forwards, putting a hand on his shoulder. It felt awkward- she had to congratulate him for trying to make a friend, as if he were a toddler who didn’t know better. 

 

“Thanks.” Evan looked down at their feet- his sock covered ones next to his mom’s sneakers. 

 

“Well, I’m leaving, but I left money on the table.” She stepped back, her feet disappearing. Evan shut his eyes, disappointment sinking into his chest as he realized-  _ she’d forgotten _ . “Order anything you want, okay?”

 

“I thought we were doing tacos tonight?” His voice came out soft and quiet. He was scared to ask- because it’d just make her feel bad, but he couldn’t keep it inside. As much as Evan knew this would happen- it always did-, he… he had been looking forwards to this- to being able to sit with his mom and eat Tacos with her and look through the essay questions and ignore everything that was happening outside of the house, ignore the Murphy’s and Jared and Alana and  _ everything _ . He glanced up, meeting his mother’s confused gaze. “Looking at the essay questions…”

 

“It’s Tuesday.” Her eyes widened. “Oh my God. Oh honey. I completely forgot.” She shut her eyes, shaking her head. “Shit…”

 

“That’s okay.” Evan managed softly, looking away from his mother again. He had known she would forget- she rarely had time for him and doing things like Taco Tuesday anymore (not that she wanted to be with him anyways because Evan was Evan)- but still, it hurt more than Evan wanted to admit because he wanted to talk to someone who didn’t want to talk to him about Connor Murphy for the first time this week. It was selfish of him though. Evan shut his eyes. 

 

“You know what? You should go ahead and take a look at the questions without me.” His mother seemed to be making up a plan on the spot. Evan knew- he did that enough. “And then if you have any ideas, you can email me, and I can write back with any ideas that I have… That’s better, anyway, isn’t it? That way you can really take your time?” She sounded hopeful and Evan felt guilty for wishing she could just stay with him and they could work on it together. 

 

“No. Yeah. For sure.” Evan said softly, hating that the disappointment had seeped into his tone. He felt stupid and childish, but… goddammit, he had  _ wanted _ Taco Tuesday more than he had known.

 

“We can do tacos another night, Evan.” She seemed to realize that he was upset- which was stupid because he shouldn’t be upset because this  _ always _ happened. “We could do tomorrow night. How about tomorrow night?” His mom offered, but Evan couldn’t- because he was eating dinner with the Murphy’s. Not that she could know that- she didn’t know about the Murphy’s and she wouldn’t ever know about the Murphy’s and their son, Evan’s supposed “best friend”. He wasn’t sure he could keep them a secret from his mom- but he wasn’t sure that if she knew, Evan could keep up the lie that he hadn’t been Connor’s friend, and then his mom would feel inclined to tell Cynthia and Larry and then they’d tell everyone and everyone would hate him… 

 

“I can’t tomorrow, I have…” Evan shut himself up before adding softly,  “I’m busy.” 

 

“Shit. I’m late…” His mom was looking at her watch, clearly panicked and worked up- acting as if she really cared and really did want to stay. _But, if she did, she would have remembered. I know that she’s busy- but if she really cared this much, she would have remembered._ _But she didn’t care._

 

_ She doesn’t care _ . 

 

“You should go.” Evan said, forcing emotion out of his voice so she wouldn’t feel bad about leaving him alone. 

 

“No, let’s figure this out.” She said quickly, moving towards him. 

 

Evan shook his head, looking up and meeting her eyes. She looked sad, which made Evan sad- but it was how it always was so Evan wasn’t even sure why she was sad in the first place. She clearly hadn’t wanted to do Taco Tuesday because who would want to spend time with Evan when they could be in classes or at work or doing  _ anything _ but staying with  _ Evan Hansen _ . “It’s fine.” He said. 

 

“Evan…” He cut her off, standing up abruptly and moving towards the bathroom- so she didn’t feel guilty about leaving. “I’ll make dinner for myself.” It was a lie- he wouldn’t make dinner or order dinner or eat at all. He couldn’t make himself do it and there wasn’t any food in the house- or at least, any food that Evan knew how to make and trusted himself to make or  _ wanted _ to make. 

 

Evan walked out of his room, hating himself for being let down, leaving his mother to go to work. He shut the door to the bathroom, leaning back against the door. He wasn’t going to cry- there weren’t any tears in his eyes- but he still felt sad for some reason, as if part of him had hoped that his mother would have remember and they could have been downstairs right now, his mom heating up the taco mixture from the packets and chopping up the vegetables while Evan struggled to speak to her about whatever topic she had picked. Instead, Evan was in the bathroom and his mom was leaving for work.

 

Like always.

  
  


****************************

  
  


Evan arrived at the Murphy house that Wednesday with another folded up, faked letter in his pocket. He debated for five minutes whether or not to knock on the door or ring the doorbell- because wasn’t knocking old fashioned, but what if the doorbell didn’t work- and finally pressed the small button. Moments later, the door opened and Evan was greeted by Larry Murphy. He looked exhausted. Evan forced himself to smile at the man. “Hi Mr. Murphy.”

 

“Hi Evan…” He gestured for Evan to come in. Evan pulled off his jacket and shoes as Mr. Murphy kept talking. “Cynthia says that dinner should be ready soon…”

 

“Oh. Okay. Thank you.” Evan hung his coat up with the other coats because wincing and realizing that maybe he shouldn’t have- he wasn’t apart of the family- but Larry didn’t seem to care. They stood in an awkward silence for a few moments as Evan pulled at his cast, worrying at a new piece because the old piece he had played with had fallen off. 

 

“If you want to, you can…” He gestured towards the stairs. Evan didn’t understand. Larry sighed sadly, as if explaining it caused him pain-  _ goddammit Evan _ . “You can go and visit Connor’s room. If you would like…” He added again.

 

Evan didn’t know if it was okay for him to go up to Connor’s room. He hadn’t been Connor’s friend and he didn’t know… well…  _ anything _ , really. He bit his lip, looking up at Larry. The man seemed so exhausted that Evan felt he needed to give Larry Murphy a break. Evan nodded. “Oh. Yeah. Sure. That’s…” He struggled for words before shaking his head slightly. “Yeah, no, that’d be great.” 

 

He nodded at Evan and gestured towards the stairs again. “Take a left. It’s the last door at the end of the hall.” Evan nodded and walked as fast as he could up the stairs. He had never been to the upstairs of the Murphy house. Their house was so big, Evan noticed again. So much more expensive than anything he could hope to live in. 

 

He followed Larry’s instructions, momentarily wondering where Zoe’s room was before focusing on  _ Connor _ and walking slowly down the hall, trying to be as quiet as possible. There was no door, which struck Evan as kind of strange. Slowly, Evan stepped inside the room of his dead “best friend”. 

 

It was surprisingly clean. Connor had always struck Evan as the messy type, but almost everything was in place in his room. It was decent sized- bigger than Evan’s room, but not so big that it felt like too much space. The walls were painted a deep blue and there were scratches in the paint, revealing the wall underneath it. Evan’s eyes widened and he tried to take it all in. His bed was a twin, with black sheets and pillows atop it. It looked as though it hadn’t ever been slept in. The shades were drawn and there was barely any light in the room. Evan slowly walked over towards Connor’s desk and- hating himself for touching anything- turned on the lamp. 

 

Connor’s desk was the only messy part of the room; a jar of pens and pencils, teeth marks scratching the pens caps and the pencils erasers; a set of black headphones resting in the middle of the desk; Sharpie’s scattered along the surface of the desk- black, dark blue, dark green, and one light blue; a contact lense case and solution- Evan hadn’t known that Connor had worn glasses; a black beanie; a bottle of  _ Sinful Colors _ black nail polish; books set on the corner- school books, Evan realized. They were brand new- probably for this year. His heart ached slightly as he realized that Connor Murphy hadn’t ever gotten a chance to graduate or experience senior year. 

 

There was a bookshelf by his bed, too. Evan slowly moved towards it, looking at the titles. He recognized a few of them-  _ Percy Jackson _ ;  _ Harry Potter _ ;  _ The Martian _ ;  _ The Perks of Being a Wallflower _ \- but other ones had hadn’t ever heard of before-  _ Slaughterhouse Five; Wind, Sand and Stars _ . 

 

“Dinner will be ready in ten minutes!” Cynthia called up the stairs. Evan jumped slightly, his eyes moving towards the empty doorway. “I hope you’re hungry!” He wasn’t really hungry- especially not after being in here. Food was the last thing on his mind.

 

Slowly, Evan sunk onto Connor’s bed. It was soft and squishy, so Evan sunk in. The blankets were soft- softer than Evan’s ones at home. His eyes wandered around the room once again and he noticed, for the first time, the scribbles on the walls-  _ Fuck this _ ,  _ FUCK YOU _ , a middle finger, and many words with scribbles over them. It made Evan sad to look at. There weren’t many posters or… anything, really, on the walls. There were only two posters of bands- one looked like Korn and the other like The Smiths, but Evan couldn’t tell. 

 

“Why are you in my brother’s room?” Evan’s head shot up and his eyes met Zoe Murphy’s. Her arms were crossed and she looked somewhere between mad and confused. 

 

Evan immediately jerked up off her brother’s bed, his heart pounding because he didn’t want to make her mad. He gestured behind him, attempting to show the kitchen but he couldn’t because he was too useless and awkward and  _ fuck _ … “I was just waiting for-”

 

Zoe cut him off, her eyes scanning the room as if she couldn’t believe what she was seeing. “Don’t your parents get upset that you’re here all the time?” She asked before looking back at him and stepping inside her brother’s room, towards Evan- who was standing in  _ Connor Murphy’s room _ . 

  
“Well, it’s not like I’m, I’m not here all the time…” Evan shrugged, because his mom didn’t care that he was here because she was never home. She didn’t care about him even when he  _ was _ home. But he wasn’t going to tell that to Zoe Murphy- she didn’t need to know, not after her brother  _ died _ . 

 

“Just two nights in a row.” She crossed her arms again, standing in the middle of the room. 

 

“Well.” Evan found himself talking again, in a desperate attempt to explain. It’s just my mom and she works most nights. Or she’s in class.” He added, bunching his shirt with one hand. Usually, Evan didn’t realize he was doing it- but now that he did, he forced himself to stop because it was weird and he was weird and Zoe didn’t need to see him being  _ weird _ . 

 

“Class for what?” Zoe asked, almost accusingly, as if she sensed that he was lying- but this was one thing that Evan wasn’t lying about. 

 

“Legal stuff.” He said softly. He had already begun to pull on his shirt again, without even thinking.

 

Zoe glanced around the room again before looking at Evan. Her expression was still blank, but she seemed mad or sad or… Evan couldn’t place it. “Where’s your dad?”

 

_ Oh _ . Evan looked at his socks,  _ hating _ himself.  _ My dad left me and my mom because of me, because I’m a failure and it’s all my fault that he’s left and remarried and now he has children that aren’t fuckups so he’s happy so he never comes back because I’m a fuckup and why would he want to be with me when he could be with perfectly normal children?  _ “My dad is um… he lives in Colorado. He left when I was seven. So… He doesn’t really mind either.” Evan added, almost attempting to be funny- but Evan wasn’t funny so Zoe didn’t laugh or smile. “Your parents… they’re really great.”

 

“They can’t stand each other.” Zoe stated matter-of-factly, shaking her head. “They fight all the time.”

 

_ My parents did too _ , Evan thought.  _ Before dad realized it was me he had a problem with and not mom _ . “Everyone’s parents fight.” He said softly. 

 

“My dad’s, like, in total denial. He didn’t even cry at the funeral.” Zoe said, but Evan knew because he had thought the same thing. It was sad- Connor’s dad hadn’t cried at the funeral because he is in “denial”, but Evan felt like there was something more than just being in denial. It felt like there was more- because this family was so complicated and not as perfect as Evan had once thought. 

 

He attempted to change the subject because he had no idea what to say- not that he ever had any idea. “Your mom was saying, gluten-free lasagna for dinner. That sounds really…”

 

“Inedible?” Zoe cut him off, raising an eyebrow.

  
Evan smiled a little bit, despite himself. “You’re lucky your mom cooks. My mom and I just order pizza most nights.” He didn’t mention that by “my mom and I” he meant “just I” and by “order pizza” he meant “don’t eat”. 

 

“You’re lucky you’re allowed to eat pizza.” Zoe said. 

 

Evan didn’t understand. “You’re not allowed to eat pizza?” He asked, confused. 

 

“We can now, I guess…” Zoe looked up from Connor’s floor to Evan again. “My mom was Buddhist last year so we weren’t allowed to eat animal products.”

 

“She was Buddhist last year but not this year?” Evan asked hesitantly, more confused than ever. He hadn’t ever known someone who was  _ actually _ Buddhist- at least, not to his knowledge. Evan had always assumed that Buddhists lived in China, which was incredible stereotypical and racist of him. He bit his lip, looking down- despite the fact that Zoe had no idea what he was thinking. She would have left if she did. 

 

“That’s sort of what she does. She gets into different things.” Zoe took a breath before explaining further. “For a while it was Pilates, then it was  _ The Secret _ , then Buddhist. Now it’s free-range,  _ Omnivore’s Dilemma _ … whatever.” She sighed, smiling a little bit. She had such a pretty smile. Evan nearly slapped himself for thinking that because it was weird and creepy.

 

He cleared his throat before saying awkwardly, “It’s cool that she’s interested in so much different stuff.” 

 

“She’s not.” Zoe said blatantly. “That’s just what happens when you’re rich and you don’t have a job. You get crazy.”

 

Evan smiled a little bit, because it seemed like she was kidding- at least he  _ hoped _ she was kidding and he didn’t seem like a senseless asshole. “My mom always says, it’s better to be rich than poor.” He found himself saying. 

 

“Well your mom’s probably never been rich then.” Zoe answered, laughing a little. 

 

“Yeah, and you’ve probably never been poor…” The words fell out of Evan’s mouth and took several moments to register what he’d said and  _ fuckfuckfuck _ \- He immediately began to ramble, apologizing time after time because  _ fuck _ \- “Oh my God- I can’t believe I just said that. I’m so sorry. That was completely rude.”

 

“Wow,” She was laughing, probably horrified and he’d messed up and now he’d have to leave and  _ shit _ \- “I didn’t realize you were actually capable of saying something that wasn’t nice.” 

 

“No, I’m not.” Evan said quickly, shaking his head furiously as he tried to explain. “I never say things that aren’t nice. I don’t even  _ think _ things like that. I’m just, I’m really sorry.” He shut his eyes, waiting for her to yell at him or tell him to leave or  _ something _ .

 

“I was impressed.” Zoe said. Evan looked up, meeting her eyes, confused. “You’re ruining it.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Evan shook his head, apologizing again without really thinking- because that’s all Evan did- apologize. 

 

“You really don’t have to keep saying that.” She was smiling slightly- probably out of pity and annoyance, trying to make him feel better for being so goddamn annoying. 

 

He forced down the sorry. It was harder than he thought. “Okay.” Evan choked out a moment later. 

 

It fell silent and Zoe laughed a little, “You want to say it again, don’t you?”

 

“Very much so, yes.” Evan nodded, almost desperately because sorry was his go-to phrase and it was weird, but he couldn’t help it. 

 

“You’re weird.” Zoe smiled.

 

“I know.” Evan smiled a little back, confused as to how he and Zoe were talking and how the conversation had gotten so…  _ easy _ .

 

“Hey…” Zoe had moved, sitting beside him on the bed- Evan’s heart leapt.  _ What _ \- “Why did he say that? In his note?” Evan didn’t understand- he was too confused as to why Zoe Murphy was sitting next to  _ him _ . “‘Because there’s Zoe. And all my hope is pinned on Zoe. Who I don’t even know and who doesn’t know me’.” She recited it from memory- it seemed like everyone had memorized it, which made Evan feel bad because it wasn’t even from Connor. “Why would he write that? What does that even mean?” She asked softly, a sad hopelessness in her voice. 

 

“Oh. Um…” Evan didn’t know what to say.  _ Because I like you and I want to be friends- or more than friends but friends works too- and I wrote the note not Connor _ . ‘Well, I guess- I’m not sure if this is definitely it, but he was always… he always thought that, maybe if you guys were closer-”

 

She cut him off, shaking her head. “We weren’t close. At all.”

 

“No, exactly.” Evan couldn’t believe that he had guessed it or that he had somehow connected- that what he was thinking made  _ sense _ . And so he used to always say that he wished that he was. He wanted to be.” He finished, looking down at his hands. He felt terrible- lying to Zoe about this, when she so obviously wanted to hear the truth about her brother and what he thought about her. 

 

Her words from the other day rang in his head-  _...to kill me for no reason?  _

 

“So you and Connor, you guys would talk about me?” Zoe asked softly a moment later. 

 

“Sometimes.” Evan glanced up and met her eyes. “I mean,” he added quickly, “if he brought it up. I never brought it up. Obviously. Why would I have brought it up?”  _ Stupid. She didn’t think you had brought it up _ . Evan nodded slightly. “He thought you were… awesome.” The lie slid off of his tongue easily- way too easily for Evan to feel good about what he was doing, but it was to help the Murphy’s- all he wanted was to help them. 

 

“He thought I was ‘awesome’. My brother?” Zoe didn’t believe it. She raised an eyebrow at him, the sadness deepening in her eyes. 

 

“Definitely.” Evan found himself nodding. 

 

“How?” She asked, clearly confused. 

 

Evan didn’t know what to say- but his mouth began to speak before he could properly think. “Well. Like… whenever you have a solo. In jazz band. You close your eyes and you get this- you probably don’t even know you’re doing this. But you get this half smile. Like you just heard the funniest thing in the world, but it’s a secret and you can’t tell anybody. But then, the way you smile, it’s sort of like you’re letting us in on the secret, too?” He opened his eyes, conscious that he had just tried to mime what he was explaining- but it was so true and whenever Evan had seen her perform, he’d always felt the urge to smile because he felt like- for once- he understood what someone was saying. 

 

His eyes met Zoe’s and they seemed desperate for more. So he kept going, the little details that he’d noticed about Zoe- the creepy details- spilling out of his mouth as fast as he could think them. “Um… I mean, Connor also said… He said that your smile always made him happy and… and that he wished that he could make you smile more because it was just… like… subtle and perfect and… and real. And he knew that… that when you get bored, you always put your leg up and draw stars on the cuffs of your jeans and…” Zoe looked down at the cuffs of her jeans- which did have stars on them- and smiled a little bit. “And he…” Evan’s mind flashed back to a day at lunch, before Evan had run off to the bathroom, when he’d seen Zoe Murphy and a few of her friends all looking over magazines and filling out those fake quizzes. “He knew that you still filled out some of the… the quizzes in the… you know, those teen magazines?

 

“But he never told anyone else, really- I mean, he kept most of what he thought to himself, but he really wanted to talk to you and… and to connect and be… you know, close, but he didn’t know how and he’d always say that if he could just tell you how much… how much you  _ meant _ to him, that maybe things would be different- but it felt like you two were a million worlds apart and he had no idea how to start, but… He… Connor, I mean, he wanted to tell you… he just… couldn’t.” It dawned on Evan that the reason that it felt so real to him was because it  _ was _ real to him. It was how Evan Hansen felt, not Connor Murphy. He fell silent, looking down at Connor’s bedspread. 

 

“You know the first time he ever said anything nice about me?” Evan met Zoe’s gaze. Her eyes looked sad and happy at the same time. “In his note. A note he wrote to you. He couldn’t even say it to me.” She looked down at her hands, clenched together. 

 

“He wanted to.” Evan said softly, his heart racing at the fact that he was still sitting next to Zoe Murphy and that she wasn’t running away from him. “He just… couldn’t.”

 

“Did he say anything else?” Zoe asked a moment later, almost anxious and scared- the words coming out of her mouth fast. 

 

Evan looked up at her, almost confused. “About you?” She wanted to know more- she wanted to  _ listen _ to what Evan was saying? 

 

Her eyes were wide and she began to shake her head, moving to get up. “Nevermind, I don’t really care, anyways-”

 

Evan backtracked quickly, hating himself for making Zoe think that Connor hadn’t said anything else about her- and then hating himself even more for lying to Zoe and making her think that Connor had said anything to him at all. “No no no no no, it’s just, he said so many things, I’m just- I’m trying to remember the best ones… so…” His palms were sweating. Evan gulped, struggling to think of what to say. “Uh… He said, I mean, he always thought that you looked really pretty-” The word fell out of his mouth before he realized and a flash of panic ran through him as he backtracked again. “Uh, I mean, um… you looked really  _ cool _ when you put those indigo streaks in your hair.”

 

“He did?” She was smiling- the smile that Evan had described earlier and his heart lifted slightly. 

 

He laughed a little too, suddenly filled with confidence- the wrong kind of confidence for the wrong reasons, but confidence nonetheless. It was weird- the feeling? It felt foreign and like it shouldn’t belong inside Evan’s body. “Yeah, and, uh, he always wondered how you managed to dance like… you know, like no one else was there. But he just… he didn’t know what to do because there was the divide and the distance just… it felt too wide to cross and…” He trailed off slightly.

 

“He just seemed so far away.” Zoe said softly, cutting Evan off. She sounded sad now, but it barely registered to Evan. “I mean…” She shrugged slightly, smiling with a sadness to it now. “It’s like I don’t know  _ anything _ .”

 

“He just, he didn’t know how to say anything- he didn’t know how to tell you that he just, he loved you.” The words fell out of Evan’s mouth and he realized that he was projecting too much of himself onto Connor- that this wasn’t right, but he just, he couldn’t  _ stop _ himself and he just… he’d never been this close to Zoe Murphy before and she seemed like she cared and she understood and Evan just wanted to  _ help _ her… “He really did, he… He did, he loved you, Zoe, and…” Words failed him as Zoe scooted closer to him, her eyes wide as if watching a movie- but Evan couldn’t think. His mind blanked. He couldn’t form anymore words- she was too close and Zoe Murphy… “He just…” 

 

He leaned forwards and kissed her. 

 

Immediately, Zoe pulled back, jerking away from him and standing up. “What are you doing?!” She demanded, sounding outraged and confused and terrified and  _ fuckfuckfuck what did Evan do he fucked up shit fuck goddammit what _ \- He began to stammer helplessly-  _ why did he do that, why didn’t he just  _ think _ , why did he _ …  _ fuck _ . 

 

“Dinner’s ready, guys!” Cynthia called from downstairs. Evan’s eyes widened and he felt panicked-  _ why didn’t he think about what would happen, Zoe Murphy didn’t like him- it was his fault, he’d messed up and now she’d never want to see him ever again and she’d tell her parents and they wouldn’t let him come back and Evan would lose the only somewhat real friends he had and SHIT why hadn’t he just THOUGHT?! _ Evan wasn’t impulsive- he was much too scared to do something without thinking.  _ So why had he just… kissed Zoe Murphy? _

 

Zoe turned back to look at Evan, her eyes wide, before she turned away because she couldn’t stand to look at Evan anymore. “Tell them to eat without me.” She sounded stunned and a million different emotions that Evan couldn’t decipher- but he knew that she was pissed and confused and scared because she’d just been kissed by  _ Evan fucking Hansen _ .

 

_ “Nice one, Hansen.” _ A familiar voice said from behind him. He turned and his eyes met the dull, blue ones of Connor Murphy’s. Evan’s eyes widened slightly as Connor laughed, shaking his head before he slowly disappeared. 

 

When Evan turned back, Zoe was gone too.

 

And Evan, as  _always_ , was alone. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for 100 hits!!! It's crazy to think that more than 100 people have looked at this and read my writing. Thank you!!!
> 
> Please leave any sort of feedback you have- comments, kudos, anything. It would really mean a lot.


	6. Ghost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “What am I supposed to do?” The words came out much more pathetic than Evan meant too. 
> 
> “Why don’t you talk to Zoe?” Connor Murphy’s voice said. Evan looked up and Connor was standing in front of him, his arms crossed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the plot, dialogue, or characters. I only own my own writing.
> 
> It's a little shorter than most of the updates for this fic (meaning it's less than 8000 words WHAT) but it felt complete here, so yeah. Enjoy!
> 
> TW for poor self image

Evan couldn’t breathe. He barely made it through dinner with the Murphy’s- he felt terrible, he was being ungrateful and stupid, but  _ he’d just fucked up _ . He’d… God, what gave him the idea that  _ kissing Zoe Murphy _ was a good idea?! The Murphy parents hadn’t seemed to understand what to do with him- Evan didn’t blame them, it was  _ stupid _ and once Zoe told them, it’d be all over and they wouldn’t want him to come over anymore and he’d be back where he started-  _ but maybe that was for the best so he didn’t hurt them anymore _ … 

 

His mind ached from the conflict between the two thoughts. Evan just couldn’t believe that he’d done that-  _ what had he been thinking?! _ He hadn't. That was the problem- he hadn’t thought and he’d just done and Evan always needed to think and this was why- so he didn’t fuck up and do something like  _ this _ . 

 

When Evan finally left the Murphy house, it felt as if his head was about to explode. His heart was going a mile a minute and he just, he couldn’t breathe or comprehend or just…  _ Why had he kissed Zoe Murphy?! _

 

Evan forced himself to take a deep breath, looking up from his feet as he walked along the sidewalk back to his house. His breathing was becoming labored again as he was finally by himself, able to think and not have to speak to anyone anymore-  _ because he had finally left the Murphy house, where just moments ago he had lied to Cynthia and Larry about being friends with their dead son and kissed their daughter _ . His breath hitched his in throat and Evan shut his eyes as he continued to walk, forcing himself to try and take breaths with every step- but he kept walking faster and faster and so his breathing got faster and faster and  _ fuck _ … 

 

_ “Jesus Christ Hansen, could you breathe any louder?” _ Evan’s head jerked up and stopped in his tracks because Connor Murphy was standing in front of him  _ again _ , his arms crossed with an expression that seemed to scream  _ what the hell _ and  _ pathetic _ all in one. 

 

Evan stepped backwards, his eyes wide because  _ how the fuck _ \- “H-How-” He managed before realizing that Connor Murphy-  _ dead _ Connor Murphy- had a point. He was breathing so loudly and so much that if anyone heard him, they’d probably think he was an animal or something. Evan forced himself to take a deep breath, which didn’t help at all. 

 

_ “How what?” _ Connor raised his eyebrows.  _ “How am I here?”  _ He laughed- a cold laugh that reminded Evan of the one Zoe had given him so often before he fucked everything up by kissing her  _ what was he thinking _ \-  _ “Asking myself the same question.” _

 

Evan shook his head, unable to comprehend- how was Connor Murphy standing there, talking to him? Connor Murphy was  _ dead _ . “Y-You’re dead, how… I mean, I don’t… why-”

 

_ “Believe me, if I knew, I’d tell you.” _ He rolled his eyes, sighing as he looked up and down the sidewalk.  _ “Look, if you actually want to go home, you should get going before someone stops and asks what the fuck you’re doing. You look high. Talking to yourself.” _ Connor’s gaze hurt, almost as if he were cutting into Evan’s chest. 

 

Almost without realizing it, Evan began to move again, listening to Connor’s words without fully registering what he was saying. “This… I…” Evan wasn’t sure what he was trying to say, but it just, it didn’t make sense because Connor was dead but he was also here and talking to Evan and it just, it didn’t make any  _ sense _ . “I-”

 

_ “What did I just say?” _ Connor raised an eyebrow, looking over as he walked next to Evan, his hands in his pockets as he stared judgmentally- even for a dead guy, Connor’s stare seemed to cut the air between them.  _ “You look high because you’re talking to yourself. If anyone sees you and recognizes you? And calls your mom?”  _ He scoffed, shaking his head as if the idea were too ridiculous to even entertain.  _ “She’d put you on even more drugs.” _

 

Evan shut himself up because he hated himself most of all because his mom felt like she had to fix him, that there was something broken that drugs and therapy could mend. As if her son were still there- just under the mess, the layers of  _ broken _ . They walked in silence- Evan’s footsteps echoing in his head as he took deep, rigid breaths.  _ One foot in front of the other _ , he told himself before realizing he was pathetic for even having to think that. 

 

_ “Jesus Christ Hansen, is it really that hard to breathe like a normal human?” _ Connor asked, sounding annoyed- Evan even annoyed a ghost with his stupid mistakes and ridiculous way of just  _ existing _ . 

 

“S-Sorry.” Evan found himself apologizing, the word falling out of his mouth- because he had to apologize for  _ something _ he had done over the past few hours. 

 

_ “Apologizing to a ghost. Nice one Hansen. You’re not just pathetic- you’re fucking insane too.” _ Connor looked away from Evan, out at a passing car. Evan felt like he was about to collapse-  _ why was Connor Murphy’s ghost here, talking to him? Why was he being such a dick? _ But then Evan realized- Connor Murphy’s ghost didn’t have to be nice to him because he was a ghost and there was no repercussions for ghosts being mean to stupid, pathetic people like Evan Hansen. 

 

Evan’s house came faster than he realized. Within what felt like minutes, Evan was standing in front of his house. It looked so small and stupid compared to the Murphy’s. Connor seemed to realize the same thing, because he just rolled his eyes and laughed softly. He didn’t say anything though- and that was almost worse. 

 

He forced himself to remain calm- well, as calm as Evan could be- until he reached his room. Evan turned, his eyes wide. Connor Murphy still stood behind him, his arms crossed as if he were waiting for something. “H-How-”

 

_ “I told you Hansen. I have no fucking idea.” _ Connor sighed, annoyed. 

 

“I-I mean… Why-”

 

_ “I don’t know that either. Do you think I  _ want _ to be here, talking to you?” _ He said ‘you’ with such emphasis, with such  _ hatred _ that Evan nearly recoiled.  _ “No one wants to talk to you, Evan. Why do you think I’m the only one who bothered to sign your cast?” _

 

“Why did you?” Evan blurted, his eyes looking up from his cast- with the name still written prominently- to meet Connor’s eyes. “I mean, sign my cast, that is.”

 

_ “Maybe because I felt bad for you.” _ Connor said blatantly.  _ “Or maybe because I knew that if I talked to you, I’d end up wanting to kill myself and I just needed another reason. Maybe because I like to fuck with people’s lives even as a ghost.” _ He shrugged.  _ “Who knows the full reason? Maybe it’s because I’m actually a fucking psychopath.” _

 

Evan didn’t know why, but he refused to believe that- Connor Murphy  _ had _ been nice to him, if only for a few moments. He had been and it had felt real- not like he was trying to fuck with Evan or like he just wanted to inevitably explode and run off with a reason to kill himself. No one would kill themselves over Evan. No one cared enough. He shook his head slightly. “I-I still don’t… I mean, it doesn’t make any sense…” 

 

_ “You think I don’t know that? We’ve been over this- I don’t want to be here, Evan. I’m dead. I should stay dead.”  _ His eyes glared into Evan again with the same, intense, scary look that Evan had seen in Connor’s eyes the last time he had been living. _ “I shouldn’t be remembered falsely by idiots who didn’t know me either.”  _ He felt a pang of guilt and Evan desperately went to apologize, but Connor held up his hand and, as if he controlled Evan, Evan fell quiet.  _ “But I mean, you’re just trying to be nice, right? You’re just trying to help my parents grieve something that they just want to forget. And I mean, from what I saw, you’re doing a piss-poor job at it. I mean, kissing my sister? What the hell were you thinking?” _

 

Evan shook his head again, swallowing hard. “I-I don’t know…” He admitted, the words sounding stupid and pathetic. “It… I-I mean… I g-guess I wasn’t… thinking, that i-is…” Evan felt light-headed. Even Connor Murphy hated him- even Connor Murphy’s  _ ghost _ . 

 

Connor’s gaze softened slightly and he sighed, shaking his head.  _ “Look, Evan, I… I don’t hate you.” _ Evan was confused. It was almost as if Connor was inside his head- reading his thoughts and responding to them rather than to Evan’s words.  _ “I know why you’re doing what you’re doing and… I mean, I’d rather you didn’t kiss my sister while you did it…”  _ He sighed, shaking his head and Evan was struck by the fact that Connor was being  _ nice _ , that he was speaking in a tone that didn’t seem to have any aggression behind it.  _ “But I know that you’re just trying to help.” _ He shook his head, sighing.  _ “And I know why you’re trying to help and… I mean, I get it.” _ Connor’s blue eyes met Evan’s and there was a sort of sadness in them that Evan couldn’t quite place.  _ “Just try not to fuck it up too much, okay?” _ There wasn’t really any aggression in his tone- which almost scared Evan more than if there had been.  _ “They… I mean, they need you.” _

 

Evan nodded pathetically, pulling at his shirt. His phone buzzed in his pocket. Evan reached in automatically, pulling it out. When he looked back up, Connor was gone. Evan blinked, confused for a moment before determining that he must be seeing things, that he must be crazy- another thing to add to the list of reasons why Evan is a fuck-up- and looked back down at his phone, hating himself as he did. 

 

Jared had sent him a picture of himself- the confident, snarky smile that always appeared at Evan, as if he knew he was better than Evan in every way and just rubbing it in. There was a button on Jared’s jacket, but he sent another text before Evan could respond to the picture.  _ Jared Koolman: This is besides the fact, but how’d your therapy session with the Murphy’s go today? You fuck anything else up? _

 

Evan took a shaky breath, his thumbs pressing on the screen as he began to type, almost without thinking. He knew that he shouldn’t tell Jared- Jared would simply make fun of him and laugh and make Evan hate himself more than he already did-, but he couldn’t help himself at this point. He just, he felt like he needed to  _ tell _ someone, needed to talk to someone and just… Evan shook his head as he pressed send, the long paragraph staring him in the face before he realized that he was being needy and stupid and  _ fuck why had he sent that to Jared- Jared, of all people, who will just make fun of it and call Evan stupid for kissing Zoe Murphy. Why had he kissed Zoe Murphy in the first place?!  _

 

_ Jared Koolman: You WHAT?!?!?! _

 

Evan could almost hear him laughing through the screen. His heart pounding and he looked down, biting his nails- which was gross and stupid but sometimes he just couldn’t help it.  _ Me: I didn’t mean too, it just happened _

 

That was true enough, but it wasn’t like Jared actually cared about the details and Evan knew that- he just wanted to try to justify himself, even though Jared wouldn’t listen and  _ why would Jared listen anyways, Jared hates Evan and only talks to him to make his mom happy so she’ll pay for his car insurance _ . He texted back Evan almost immediately.  _ Jared Koolman: I can’t believe you tried to kiss Zoe Murphy on her brother’s bed. After he DIEDDDD _

 

Evan shook his head.  _ Fuck.  _ Evan had really done it this time- he had done a lot of bad things, but now Jared was just showing him  _ how _ bad this one had been. Evan Hansen- the king of fuck-ups and mistakes- had tried to kiss Zoe Murphy- his long time crush and the nicest, more perfect girl Evan had ever seen- on her brother’s bed- first of all, ew. Second of all, her brother had just died- not even died, had just  _ killed himself _ . And Evan had tried to kiss her on his bed. His hands were shaking rapidly as the panic from earlier came back, his breathing increasing speed.  _ Me: Oh my God _

 

_ He’d tried to kiss Zoe, oh my god- Evan had tried to kiss Zoe- not only was that bad, but he had tried to kiss Zoe on her brother’s bed after he killed himself and her brother was supposed to have been Evan’s best friend fuck fuck fuck this was bad, Evan had really fucked up this time- _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Hey asshole, aren’t you gonna say anything? _

 

Evan’s heart stopped and he realized that he’d missed something that Jared was going to be mad at him- hell, he already was. He didn’t even want to talk to Evan- as Connor had said, no one did. He only talked to Evan for car insurance. 

 

_ Me: What? _ Jared sent the picture again, zoomed in on the button. Evan studied it, feeling stupid because he should have gotten it already when-  _ wait _ . Evan didn’t understand. Jared had a button with what looked like Connor’s yearbook picture from a previous year- because it didn’t have long hair and Connor hadn’t taken a picture this year.  _ Me: Is that a button with Connor’s face on it? _

 

_ Jared Koolman: I’m selling them for a nominal fee at lunch tomorrow _

 

_ Selling?! _ Evan’s eyes widened. How could someone want to make money off of something as horrible as this?! How could anyone want to make money off of the suicide of a classmate?!  _ Me: You’re making money off of this? _

 

_ In a way, wasn’t Evan doing something similar? _ Evan’s heart stopped after he pressed send, the reality sinking in. Evan wasn’t making money off of Connor’s death- what he was doing was almost worse. The attention he had been getting because of the big lie that started with Connor’s “suicide note”? That was a currency all in it’s own. His heart dropped into his stomach.

 

_ Jared Koolman: I’m not the only one. Haven’t you seen the wristbands with Connor’s initials on them that Sabrina Patel started selling during free period? Or the T-shirts Matt Holtzer’s mom made? _

 

Evan hadn’t noticed. In a way, he hadn’t entirely cared then- school was just a blur of sad faces, PSA’s about suicide, the stress that constantly ate away at him, and the classes that Evan didn’t understand. He took a shaky breath, attempting to ask Jared a question without sounding too self-centered, but he didn’t know how to continue the conversation because he just, he needed to know what to  _ do _ …  _ Me: What am I going to do about Zoe? _

 

There was a pause that seemed to last too long. Evan, for a moment, wondered if Jared had gotten bored or didn’t want to try to help Evan- it wouldn’t be the first time that someone had bailed on him and Evan knew that it wouldn’t be the last. Just when he’d given up hope, Jared answered him.  _ Jared Koolman: Are you kidding? After tonight? You can never walk into that house again.  _

 

He sent another one quickly following it, one that confused Evan. 

 

_ Jared Koolman: Besides, this whole Connor thing? In another few days, it’ll be played out anyways _

 

_ Me: But you just said about the T-shirts and the wristbands? _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Exactly. We are at the peak. Which is why I’ve got to move these buttons before the bottom drops out of the Connor Murphy memorabilia market. Because pretty soon, there will be some Third World tsunami to raise money for, and Connor will just be that dead kid whose name no one remembers _

 

Evan’s heart sank into his stomach again. That was terrible- that couldn’t happen. No, it  _ wouldn’t _ . Connor Murphy had turned into somewhat or… not a celebrity, because that was a horrible thing to say, but… well, he had turned into the thing that everyone was talking about. People were talking to each other and starting conversations and, despite the fact that the real reason (money) was terrible, they were raising suicide awareness with the wristbands and T-shirts and buttons.  _ Me: That’s terrible _

 

_...And that had almost been Evan. _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Hey. At least it was fun while it lasts. You got to have some quality time with your fake family, snuggle with Zoe Murphy…  _

 

_ Fun?! _ Evan wanted to laugh. As if anything about this had been  _ fun _ for him. He’d been lying off of his ass because he just  _ couldn’t _ face telling the Murphy family the truth about how Connor had stolen the note from him and so he just kept lying because he couldn’t stop himself at this point- not without hurting the Murphy’s and Zoe and himself and- well, he didn’t care so much about himself. But, after seeing how broken Cynthia had been, Evan couldn’t do that to her. He couldn’t take this away. He desperately tried to explain, but Evan knew Jared wouldn’t listen- because he never did.  _ Me: That’s not why I was doing it! I was trying to help them. I just wanted to help them _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Regardless, bro. It’s over. A week from now? Everybody will have already forgotten about Connor. You’ll see. _

 

Evan shut off his phone, falling backwards so his head hit the pillow. He hated himself for wanting to believe Jared- because maybe once it was over, the Murphy’s wouldn’t need to keep talking to Evan and Evan could just forget that any of this ever happened. 

 

Yeah. That sounded nice. 

  
  


****************************

  
  


A message appeared in the top-right of Evan’s computer screen corner. It was from Alana. Evan’s heart dropped slightly. He could almost predict what it would say- because he had been thinking the same thing and, apart from Evan, Alana seemed to be the only one who cared even a little bit.

 

_ Alana Beck: Everybody has forgotten about Connor. A week ago, the whole school was wearing those wristbands and the buttons with his face on them. People were talking to each other that never talked to each other before. And now… it’s all gone. Completely. You were his best friend. You can’t let this happen. _

 

Evan hated himself, but he was almost content with letting it rest. It seemed like he was over at the Murphy’s house less and less as the week had gone on. He felt terrible- as if he knew that he should be over there, trying to console them- but Evan knew that he would feel even worse if he did, because then he’d be lying to them over and over and over again and Evan didn’t want to lie- but he had too. It was almost as if his life depended on it.  _Me: Well, I know, but I just…  I mean I don’t know what to do._ He didn’t know where he was trying to go with his response. Alana wouldn’t understand- no one would understand. Evan hated himself for being so brief and so stupid and he hated himself even more for being content with letting the whole Connor ordeal rest where it was. 

 

_ Alana Beck: Maybe you can ask Zoe to do something. Or maybe you guys could do something together. _

 

_ Me: Zoe? _ At the name, Evan’s heart dropped because he hadn’t spoken two words to Zoe since… since he’d kissed her on her brother’s bed. Zoe hadn’t seemed to want to pay him any attention and, for once, Evan was glad that she didn’t notice him. He’d rather be not noticed by her than have her confront him about it and talk to him and he’d have to try to explain awkwardly and quickly and she’d just end up hating him even more because Evan would definitely end up confessing that he didn’t know Connor and then she’d tell everyone and it’d all disintegrate before his eyes and that new thing that Jared had mentioned- the Third World tsunami or whatever? That would be Evan Hansen’s downfall- the exposure of the lying fuck-up that was Evan Hansen, how he wasn’t really best friends (or friends at all) with Connor Murphy and how he’d been lying for almost a month and a half about being friends with the dead boy to his grieving family. 

 

_ Alana Beck: Yeah, she’s the perfect person to help get people interested again. You guys could write something together for the blog! _

 

Evan found himself responding quickly, trying to get her to drop the idea- because Zoe Murphy and Evan Hansen would never work together on anything else again because of what Evan had done. He wouldn’t be surprised if she never wanted to look in his direction again.  _ Me: Yeah, I just don’t know if that’s the best way for us to get people to remember him _ … 

 

He felt terrible- she was clearly passionate about this. Why, Evan couldn’t place. Alana hadn’t known Connor- they’d simply been “acquaintances”, just classmates who had worked together a few times and had a few classes together. But Evan wasn’t sure he could keep lying to everyone- it was eating him up and the only person who knew was Jared and Jared wasn’t the best or easiest person to talk to about serious stuff like this, because it was all a joke to him- Evan was just a joke to him. 

 

_ Alana Beck: Well, I can guarantee you that if you don’t do something, then no one will remember him. Is that what you want?! _ She seemed mad. Evan hated that she was mad- but he didn’t know how to answer. Of course that wasn’t what Evan wanted- he wanted people to remember Connor Murphy, but not as Evan’s best friend or as the boy who killed himself. He just… Evan wasn’t sure. Evan just wanted all of this to go away- all of it. 

 

He shut his computer without responding. He hated to leave people on read, but Evan didn’t know how to answer or… or what to do. Nothing made sense anymore- nothing had ever made sense-, but Evan was almost content with going back to being a nobody with one family friend if it meant he didn’t have to deal with all of these lies and secrets and… 

 

And he realized that was another lie. Evan had been noticed by people- he’d actually been talked to as if he were a normal person, as if he weren’t poisonous or burning to look at. It had come at a terrible price- but it was better than being invisible for the rest of the year. 

 

“What am I supposed to do?” The words came out much more pathetic than Evan meant too. He wasn’t even sure why he was speaking out loud- but then again, he knew exactly why. 

 

_ “Why don’t you talk to Zoe?” _ Connor Murphy’s voice said. Evan looked up and Connor was standing in front of him, his arms crossed. His presence wasn’t scary or surprising this time- Evan had been talking to Connor’s ghost since the day he had kissed Zoe. He was actually a better listener than Evan had anticipated and he seemed to know what to say all the time, something Evan wished Connor’s ghost would teach him how to do. 

 

Evan shook his head, the words falling out of his mouth and Evan found it easy to talk- he had found it increasingly easier to talk to his dead classmates ghost. It was sad- Evan found it easier to talk to Connor’s ghost than he found it to talk to actual living human beings. “I can’t talk to Zoe. I already ruined everything with Zoe.” He repeated the words that Jared- and Zoe- had confirmed. 

 

_ “Says who? Jared?” _ Connor sounded dumbstruck. He shook his head, rolling his eyes.  _ “Why are you even talking to Jared about this?” _

  
“Who else am I supposed to talk to?” Evan asked quickly, looking up at Connor. His blue eyes met Evan’s and Evan didn’t know why he was explaining this-  _ again _ \- to Connor Murphy’s ghost. Evan had told this to the figure many times- it was almost as if Connor had known without Evan telling him though. Once again, it struck Evan how sad it was that Connor Murphy’s ghost was becoming one of Evan’s only and…  _ best _ friends. 

 

_ Maybe then it wouldn’t be such a lie.  _ Evan thought suddenly, almost smiling at the thought.  _ Maybe it’ll be easier to tell the Murphy’s about Connor and I if I actually am friends with his ghost _ . 

 

_ “You can talk to me.” _ Connor said, as if the answer were obvious and Evan was just stupid. The idea, despite what Evan was thinking, sounded so stupid- so pathetic- that he resisted the urge to laugh.  _ “Unless you have other options.” _ Connor added sarcastically and it struck Evan that he didn’t have any other options. Connor Murphy’s fucking  _ ghost _ was the only person who would listen to Evan talk and try to give him advice. Try to help him. 

 

Slowly, he sat down next to Evan, looking over at him. Evan looked away, clenching his hands together as he shook his head slightly, unsure of what to say. “I… I don’t know what to do.” He said finally. 

 

Connor sighed, shaking his head. He looked out into Evan’s room, a sad sort of expression on his face.  _ “Look. Zoe, my parents… they need you.” _ He looked back over at Evan and Evan felt a twinge of guilt-  _ they needed him for what? To keep lying to them? _ But he said nothing because, as Connor had told him multiple times, it was true. They did need him. Evan needed to be there to help them.  _ “You’re the only person who can make sure everybody doesn’t just forget me.” _ There was a moment of silence and Connor’s gaze hardened slightly, his tone turning expressionless.  _ “Oh right. They already did.” _

 

Evan looked down at his hands, guilt gnawing away at his stomach. “After two whole weeks.”

 

_ “And once they’ve forgotten about me, what do you think happens to you?” _ Evan looked back up at Connor, who was staring at him, his eyebrows raised. Evan didn’t know- he had no idea what happened to him, it was what he was scared about- walking into the school building and suddenly… well, he didn’t know. Evan didn’t think that anyone would care anymore- that’s what he thought, but it was too scary because he didn’t want to go back to being a nobody at school, but he didn’t want to keep having this attention. It was all too much.  _ “I mean, nobody cares about people like us.” _ Connor added, rolling his eyes. 

 

“People like us?” Evan didn’t completely understand what Connor meant- but then again he fully understood.

 

_ “Connor Murphy: the kid who threw a printer at Mrs. G in second grade.”  _ Connor looked at Evan with a sad sort of sympathy- or maybe it was pity.  _ “Or Evan Hansen: the kid who stood outside a jazz band concert trying to talk to Zoe Murphy, but his hands were too sweaty. You know, people like that.” _ He shook his head, shrugging as he continued to speak, looking away from Evan as he spoke. Connor’s tone was sad.  _ “Look: guys like you and me? We’re just losers, waiting to be seen. Right? I mean, no one seems to care or notices that we’re there so we just get lost in the… in-between. Look at me. I’m the perfect example. I’m just… gone. But.” _ He looked back at Evan, a sort of fire burning in his eyes- one that scared Evan just a little, but it wasn’t a mad fire. It was… more like passion.  _ “If you can somehow keep them from forgetting me, then maybe we can do something. Maybe  _ you _ can do something. Maybe you can show everyone that we mattered.” _ Connor was gestured towards himself and Evan.  _ “And if you do that? Someone will see that you’re there.” _

 

His words rang in his head. Evan looked away from the ghost, down at his hands. It seemed to good to be true- suddenly, it made sense. He just had to lie a little bit and it would… it could help everyone. If Connor was right and Evan did this without fucking up… This could change people’s lives and get them help, if they were feeling like Connor and Evan did… If they wanted to disappear, maybe they wouldn’t- maybe they could understand… 

 

_ Understand what? _

 

Connor shook his head, seeming to read Evan’s thoughts- it was so weird how it was almost as if Connor was inside Evan’s head.  _ “I mean, does anyone deserve to be forgotten?” _ He didn’t wait for an answer- he just kept talking and talking, the words falling out of his mouth the way that Evan’s did except Connor’s were passionate and made sense and seemed to spark something inside Evan- this was  _ something _ . This could  _ do something _ …  _ “No one deserves to just fade away or walk through and have no one see them or notice them. No one deserves to disappear into nothing.” _

 

Evan nodded furiously, looking up at Connor. Suddenly, he felt determined- more determined and… not excited, but…  _ passionate _ than he had in a long, long time. Evan had felt so shitty- so unbelievably shitty for such a long time, because no one bothered to see him and- apparently- so had Connor Murphy. Maybe, if Evan did this right and didn’t fuck up anymore, he could help anyone else who felt that way- to show that they weren’t alone and that they mattered to  _ someone _ . Connor kept talking.  _ “No one deserves to feel like they were nothing. Or less than nothing. Or invisible and silent. No one should feel like they are hopeless or useless or a mistake. Everyone deserves to know that they had been there. Everyone deserves to have made a sound. All they need is for someone to find them.” _

 

Slowly, Evan opened up his laptop and began to type, not filtering his thoughts as they spilled onto the empty Google Doc. Connor’s words seemed so familiar- as if Connor had experienced the same thing. It made Evan feel terrible to think that someone had felt so low that they had done the same thing that Evan had failed at… It had made sense when Evan had thought about it- so it must have made sense to Connor, which meant it made sense to someone else too. The thought filled Evan with anxiety- but a different kind of anxiety. He didn’t want anyone to feel that way ever, ever again.

 

He looked up to say something- anything- to Connor. Maybe to apologize for not saying what he had meant that day in the computer lab, or in the hall, or for not talking to him, or for being scared of him, or… Evan wasn’t sure. But when he looked up, Connor Murphy was gone. 

 

As if he hadn’t ever been there in the first place. 

 

Slowly, Evan looked down at the Google Doc. Three words stared up at him-  _ The Connor Project _ . He swallowed, trying to think clearly- but he felt like he could think clearly for the first time in… forever. Evan nodded slightly, biting his lip as he stared at the words- at the idea that was forming on the page, seeming more and more real with every word. 

 

Maybe Evan could do this. Maybe he wouldn’t fuck this up- no, he  _ couldn’t _ fuck this up. This was the one thing that Evan could not-  _ would _ not- mess up. 

 

He had to get this exactly right. 

 

His voice sounded loud and echoey in the silence around him, but for once Evan didn’t care. Slowly, Evan repeated the words Connor Murphy had said to him just moments ago- before he had vanished. “No one deserves to disappear.”

 

************************

  
  


_ No one should flicker out or have any doubt _

_ That it matters that they are here _

_ No one deserves to disappear _

_ Disappear _

_ When you’re falling in a forest _

_ And there’s nobody around, _

_ All you want is for somebody to find you _

_ When you’re falling in a forest _

_ And when you hit the ground, _

_ All you need is for somebody to find you _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It felt like not much happened in this update, but I really liked this one. The whole thing just felt really easy (idk how to explain it, but it was easy to write Evan's thoughts and the conversation between Evan and Connor in the beginning...if you notice, Connor is clearly Evan's imagination due to the fact that he is pretty much impersonating Evan's anxiety). Evan's sudden change of "yeah this is right" felt kind of weird and he seemed sort of numb and a little emotionless beforehand, but like... I dunno. It felt and sounded right.
> 
> Also- the timing is a little bit off with the conversation with Jared, but I realized that after I'd already written most of the chapter so... I mean, it's only like a day off, but it's fine...?
> 
> I'm so excited- almost halfway through the musical!!! Thank you so much for all of the hits- 162??? What??? That's insane- thank you so so so much!
> 
> A special thanks to anyone who's left kudos or a comment- they really make my day so much better!!! Please leave feedback and tell me what you thought!!
> 
>  
> 
> (To anyone who might care, I do have a tumblr (pretty inactive on there, but you can probably reach me there if you need too cause I check it every once and a while). It's theultimatefangirl2020 (sorry I dunno how to link stuff on here))


	7. The Connor Project

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I would just like to say a few words to you today about…” The next words seemed to weigh a million pounds- it hurt to say them, it hurt to get them out because they weren’t true- “...my best friend… Connor Murphy…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for lots of anxiety, negative self talk, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts/talks of suicide. There's also some swearing towards the end. 
> 
> I don't own the plot, dialogue, or characters. I only own my own writing.

_“Alright, today is the day, Hansen.”_ Connor said from where he was sitting near Evan’s feet, his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall behind him. _“You have to talk to someone about this. I mean, we have to get it going somehow.”_

 

“Who do I talk to?” Evan asked, pulling at his shirt. The brochure sat on his bedside table, untouched from last night. He couldn’t believe it- he had _done_ that, he had made that. It was there, _real_ , right next to him- this was _real_ , this could be _real_ …

 

 _“Um, Jared and Alana?”_ Connor made it sound like Evan was stupid. _“I mean, who else would you talk to?”_

 

“I… I don’t know…” Evan took a deep breath. He wasn’t even at school yet- his alarm wasn’t supposed to go off for another few moments- but anxiety was already pressing down on his chest, making it difficult to breathe. What if it didn’t work out- what if all of this was for nothing and it didn’t end up working? What if Jared or Alana or whoever he talked to thought he was crazy for trying something like this? What if this wasn’t even a good idea-

 

 _“Hansen, come on, you can’t wuss out now.”_ Connor groaned, his head hitting the wall behind him with a loud thud. _“You already printed out the brochure. If you don’t go through with it, you just wasted paper.”_

 

Evan hated wasting paper. That sounded ridiculous- but he loved trees and wasting paper was killing trees.

 

It was kind of ridiculous, Evan realized as his alarm began to beep and he sat up, going to get ready. One of the main reasons that he was going to actually go up and talk to Alana and Jared about this “Connor Project” was because Evan didn’t want to waste paper because he loved trees so much.

 

Connor laughed- but it was kind of a dull, lifeless sound. _“Wow. That_ is _kind of ridiculous, Hansen.”_ It seemed like Connor was in his head- it was weird how well Connor Murphy’s ghost seemed to know and understand him. But, in a way, Evan didn’t really care. It was nice to have someone who understood him and knew what to say and knew how to help… It was more than anyone had ever done for him and, even if he was technically a ghost, Evan felt like he and Connor were close- closer than he and Jared had ever been, closer than he and his mom had ever been. Evan hadn’t felt this close to another person… ever.

 

How sad that when Evan finally connects with someone, it turns out he’s dead and a ghost, probably haunting Evan for lying to his family about being friends with him.   


 

************************

  


_“There’s Kleinman.”_ Connor said from behind Evan. It was weird- Evan was able to see Connor Murphy walk through the halls of his high school, as if he were alive, but no one else could. Because Connor Murphy had killed himself. But yet here he was. _“And Alana!”_ His tone rose slightly, as if he couldn’t believe their luck.

 

“H-Hey, Alana!” Evan said, walking quickly over to her.

 

She turned to face him, the ever-present smile plastered on her face. But then, almost as if realizing it was Evan, her smile faded a little. “Oh, hi Evan. Have you thought of anything that you could do to help people remember Connor?”

 

“Oh, um.” Evan’s courage instantly drained- as if he’d had any courage to begin with. “Um, yes, actually? I mean, I don’t know… I mean,” Evan shook his head, forcing himself to met her gaze. “Yes. I… I did.”

  
Her eyes lit up. “Really? Can I hear it?”

 

Before Evan could say anything, Jared stopped in between Evan and Alana. “Hear what? Are you subjecting Alana to a lecture about some stupid tree shit like deforestation, Evan? Because that’s just torture-”

 

“No.” Evan shook his head quickly, the courage and determination draining faster and faster with every moment, but Connor’s words kept sounding in his head- _“No one deserves to disappear into nothing”_. “No, I… Um…”

 

Alana cut Evan off, explaining for him. “Evan was about to tell me an idea he had about helping people remember Connor.”

 

Evan wasn’t sure if he was grateful for having Alana explain, or if he’d rather had just not had Jared know because his family friend turned to look at him with a satisfied smirk on his face, like he was resisting the urge to laugh. “Right, his best friend Connor Murphy?”

 

“Y-Yes.” Evan shook his head furiously, _hating_ himself for confiding in Jared and _why had Connor wanted him to tell Jared too, Evan had_ known _this would happen because it always did_ \- He glanced behind him to see what Connor wanted him to do, but the figure was gone. Evan’s heart lurched and it hit him- Connor Murphy’s ghost was comforting to him. It made him feel better- because Connor always seemed to know what to say and he made Evan feel like maybe, someday, Evan could know what to say too? It was pathetic- he was dead, Evan was talking about Connor Murphy’s _ghost_ \- but Connor made… _fuck_ , he made Evan feel _safe_.

 

That was the saddest thing Evan had ever thought, which was saying something.

 

“A-Anyways,” Evan gulped, his hands shaking as he thrust the brochure towards his two classmates standing in front of him. Jared hesitantly grabbed the paper, looking confused and almost amused as Evan forced himself to explain. “I’m… I’m calling it The Connor Project.”

 

“The Connor Project?” Jared said, opening the brochure with a look that seemed to be a mix of pity and amusement. The look scared Evan so so much- it _terrified_ him.

 

His heart was thundering so hard it hurt, but he forced himself to keep explaining- because maybe Jared would understand that this could be bigger than helping the Murphy’s and making them think that he and Connor were friends, maybe he would understand that this could actually _help_ people. “A student group dedicated to keeping Connor’s memory alive, to showing that everybody should matter…” Evan’s voice faltered slightly and he realized how fast he had been talking, almost scared that one of them would cut him off or stop him. “Everybody is important…”

 

Jared and Alana looked at the pamphlet and, for a moment, neither of them said anything. Evan’s hands were shaking and he pulled at his shirt, unsure what to do- _why weren’t they saying anything, what was happening, why had he thought this was a good idea?!_ Finally, Alana looked up from the brochure, a very sincere expression on her face. Evan braced himself for her words- _“Evan, this isn’t a good idea”_ or just a simple _“No”_ \- almost as if he was bracing for impact. “I am so honored. I would love to be vice president of The Connor Project.”

 

Her words shocked Evan. He blinked, confused. “Vice president…?” He asked hesitantly, not understand what she meant- vice president? Who was the president? She _wanted_ to be vice president? Evan hadn’t even asked her.

 

“You’re right. We should be co-presidents.” She was smiling a little bit now, pleased with the idea.

 

It hit Evan- _she thought it was a good idea_ . Evan nodded frantically, relief filling his chest. “Yeah. No. Definitely. That works for me.” He answered quickly, unsure if it was natural to feel this relieved about something like this but _Alana wanted to be co-presidents with him for The Connor Project. She wanted to be apart of The Connor Project_.

 

“You can be treasurer or secretary.” Alana turned towards Jared, who- in Evan’s moment of confusion and relief- hadn’t said anything. Evan’s heart stopped as he looked at his friends expression. “Unfortunately, the co-president position has already been filled.” Alana finished.

 

Jared’s expression remained neutral as he answered. “Well shit.” His family friend turned to look at Evan. Jared glanced down at the pamphlet before looking up at Evan. “I guess I’m going to have to order new buttons.” He reached into his bag and pulled out a button, holding it out to Evan as if asking something- but Evan had no idea what he was being asked. “Unless you think I can squeeze the words ‘Connor Project’ onto the old buttons…” He shrugged, looking at it. “I mean, depending on the font size-”

 

Evan cut him off, confused on his family friend’s answer. “No, I mean, do you actually think we should do this?”

 

Evan felt a hand on his shoulder and he jumped, turning to see Alana looking at him, her hand resting just next to Evan’s backpack strap. “Are you kidding, Evan?” For a scary moment, Evan thought they might turn on him, but then she kept talking. “We have to do this. Not just for Connor. For everyone.”

 

Her words resonated in his mind and a smile widened on his face. “For everyone.” He echoed, realizing how stupid that probably sounded but not entirely caring because _they thought it was a good idea_.

 

The bell rang and Alana looked up immediately before meeting Evan’s eyes. “We should talk more about this. At lunch.” She said, looking from Evan to Jared before walking away to her next class.

 

Jared turned towards Evan. “‘The Connor Project’.” His family friend said, nodding slightly as he examined Evan. Evan felt an urge to explain, to say _something_ , but Jared just nodded, almost as if content with just saying that- but it held so much more than just what appeared on the surface because what if he had just agreed because Alana had agreed and he didn’t want to make Evan feel bad and- “Alana’s right. I’ll see you at lunch for our business meeting.” He said, almost mockingly, before pressing something into Evan’s hand walking away.

 

Evan didn’t look down at his hand until he had made it to his next class. It was the button- the Connor Murphy button that was memorabilia. Evan’s eyes met the blue, lifeless ones in the school photo and he felt a surge of determination and reassurance.

 

Alana’s words rang in his head again. _“We have to do this. Not just for Connor. For everyone.”_ Evan’s hand clenched around the button.

  


************************

  


“‘The Connor Project’?” Cynthia echoed back as Evan handed her a pamphlet, her eyes lighting up at the picture of her son displayed across it. With Jared’s computer expertise and Alana’s way with words, The Connor Project brochure Evan had created had gone from a simple outline to a full-blown brochure that made sense and looked good and had information and… it was _real_ , it made everything feel more real.

 

“Imagine a major online presence.” Evan explained, the practiced words falling out of his mouth easily- easier than anything he had ever said before because _goddammit_ , this was going to go right. Evan wasn’t going to fuck this one up.

 

“A massive fundraising drive…” Jared added on before Evan cut him off, because he felt entitled to say the end of the sentence. “...to help people like Connor.” Jared glanced over at him and Evan looked back. There was an expression on his family friend’s face- one Evan couldn’t quite place. _Had he done something wrong?_ Evan’s heart leapt because he had always done something wrong- but he didn’t know _what_ , because for once, Evan felt like he was doing something right.

 

Something that mattered.

 

Alana finished the pitch. The way that she talked seemed to convince Evan, again, that this was a good idea- it almost seemed to convince him that it had been her idea in the first place.. “And for the kickoff event, an all-school memorial assembly next week. Students, teachers, whoever wants to, they can get up and talk about Connor, talk about his legacy.” She smiled, nodding as if she had just given a presentation at school that she _knew_ would earn her the best grade in the class.

 

Evan’s eyes darted from Cynthia to Larry, both of whom didn’t seem to understand. His heart stopped- _did they not think it was a good idea? This couldn’t happen if Connor’s parents didn’t agree. It would be disrespectful- almost as disrespectful as pretending to be their dead sons best friend_. “I don’t know what to say…” Cynthia said finally, shaking her head slightly- almost as in disbelief.

 

 _Oh God, what if they didn’t want it to happen?_ Evan felt passionate- for one of the first times in his life, he felt really _passionate_ about this- not just because of Connor Murphy, his supposed dead best friend, but because of himself and because if he and Connor struggled with something so similar, then that meant that someone else was struggling too- probably someone that Evan knew. His heart stopped at the thought. “I didn’t realize Connor meant this much to people.” Larry’s voice brought Evan back to the present, his tone sad and quiet- almost ashamed.

 

“Oh my God. He was one of my closest acquaintances.” Alana said, her hand over her heart as she looked sympathetically at Cynthia and Larry. “He was my lab partner in Chemistry, and we presented together on _Huck Finn_ in tenth grade. He was so funny. He kept calling it… well instead of _“Huck” Finn_ …” She paused. It took Evan a moment to understand- and when he finally did (way too slowly), he willed Alana to _shut up_. He could almost hear Jared’s voice behind him, so Evan shot a glance at his family friend. Jared was grinning, but flexed his hands as if to say “I won’t, I won’t”. Alana shook her head before looking back up at the Murphys. “Nobody else in our class thought of that.”

 

Evan turned his attention towards Zoe, who had been silent this entire time- staring at the table as he and Jared and Alana pitched the idea. He couldn’t tell what she thought- she was impassive, the way that she had been that first dinner at the Murphy’s. The way that she had been since he had started lying, Evan realized. Why had he thought that anything had changed? Nothing had. “For the assembly, I was thinking maybe the jazz band could do something…” Evan said quickly, before he could lose his nerve.

 

Zoe looked up, her eyes meeting Evan’s before she shrugged and looked back down at the table. “Oh. Yeah. Maybe…”

 

 _Maybe_ . His heart leapt- _maybe!_

 

Jared’s voice sounded right next to Evan’s ear, causing him to jump. “Great idea, Evan!”

 

Sarcasm dripped from his family friend’s voice and, instead of feeling sad or disappointed like usual, Evan just felt… angry. He didn’t like feeling angry- it wasn’t an emotion that he felt often and, whenever he was angry, he generally didn’t know how to deal with it or dealt with it wrong- but Jared Kleinman was making fun of him for trying to _talk_ to Zoe Murphy after messing everything up. At least Evan was _trying_ . Jared knew how hard it was for Evan to try. And still, it was like he was _mocking_ Evan. “Thank you, Jared.” He hissed, glancing back at Jared.

 

His family friend’s smile fell as he looked at Evan. “No sweat.” He said, almost hesitantly or… nervous. Evan didn’t understand why- Evan couldn’t look mad because he looked stupid when he was mad. Jared would have just smiled wider or laughed, not… hesitated. Or maybe he realized what Evan had been thinking and felt guilty.

 

No, that wasn’t it either- as long as Evan had known him, he wasn’t sure if Jared Kleinman had the capability to regret something or feel guilty. His family friend had a _“fuck it and see what happens”_ attitude and, no matter what happened as result, didn’t seem to care about the outcome.

 

“Oh, Evan…” Cynthia’s voice brought Evan back from his thoughts. He turned his head towards Connor’s mother and was startled to see her eyes wet. She was shaking her head slightly, a small smile appearing on her face. His heart leapt as she spoke, her words bringing a new sort of hope to Evan’s mind. “This is just… This is wonderful.”

 

And suddenly, Connor Murphy was behind her. He raised his eyebrows at Evan and, despite himself, Evan felt a smile appear on his face. _“Well, Hansen?”_ Connor crossed his arms, smirking a little- but it wasn’t a smirk like the one Evan saw on Jared’s face all the time. It was more-so a lazy smile, but it seemed to mean so much more. As if Connor was… excited. Ready. _“Let’s get started.”_  


 

************************

 

 

October 17th was the date set for the Connor Murphy memorial assembly. Tomorrow afternoon, at 1pm, the whole school was going to join together to remember and tell stories about Connor Murphy, the boy who had committed suicide and been forgotten after 2 whole weeks.

 

And Evan was terrified.

 

What if no one did anything? What if no one cared- what if Connor had already been forgotten, already disappeared? What if this really wasn’t a good idea- what if it was one of those things that sounds like a good idea on paper but bombs when it is attempted? What if no one wanted to go up and say anything? What if _Evan_ was expected to go up and say something? He couldn’t do that- it was bad enough lying to the Murphy’s and Alana. Evan wasn’t sure he could live with himself if he lied to the entire school about something this big and this serious…

 

 _“Hansen, come on.”_ Evan looked up. He was sitting on Connor’s bed and suddenly, Connor was in front of him, leaning against the wall behind him. Just for a minute, Evan could imagine that Connor Murphy was alive and that this was real. _“Of course they’re going to want you to say something. Weren’t you my best friend? What kind of people doesn’t say anything in a fucking memorial about their dead best friend?”_ His eyes seemed to pierce Evan’s skin, making him uncomfortable. _“Oh right. A fake one.”_

 

“No, no…” Evan shook his head, grasping for facts- for _anything_ , but he knew that Connor had a point. He couldn’t go up because he’d had a mental breakdown in front of everyone, but he couldn’t not go up because then everyone would judge him for not going up. He couldn’t explain why he could go up- because _I’m shit at public speaking_ wouldn’t cover it and _I will have a panic attack_ sounds too stupid and no one wants to hear that. So Evan was just stuck in a loop of dead-ends.

 

Like always.

 

There was a quiet knock on the door and Evan’s eyes darted away from Connor, who suddenly was gone, as if he had never been there in the first place. Cynthia slowly opened the door, a small smile on her face. It faded as she stepped into the room, her eyes looking around at her dead sons bedroom and suddenly, Evan felt another flash of guilt- _he was just lying to her, that’s all he was doing and it wasn’t good and when she found out, she’d hate him and Evan wouldn’t blame her because he hated himself for this too…_

 

“For tomorrow.” Cynthia held something out towards Evan. Slowly, he stood up, stepping towards her. “For the assembly.”

 

Evan took it and watched as a dark, stripped tie unfolded itself. “Oh.” He didn’t understand- why would he need a tie for the assembly? He looked back up at Cynthia, who seemed to be struggling for words.

 

“When Connor started seventh grade, all my girlfriends said, here comes Bar Mitzvah season. He’s going to have a different party every Saturday.” She smiled sadly, her eyes drifting down to the tie in Evan’s hands. His heart leapt. This was _Connor Murphy’s tie_ … “I took him to get a suit, some shirts… a tie. He didn’t get invited to a single one.” She paused, her eyes meeting Evan’s. His guilt deepened- _why hadn’t he invited Connor to_ his _Bar Mitzvah? It was ridiculous- he should have, he should have invited him and given him at least_ one _Bar Mitzvah to go too_ … But then, Evan remembered the details of his own Bar Mitzvah and was glad that no one had been there- except for Jared because Jared was _always_ there when Evan failed or made a mistake or fucked up. “I thought you could wear this for your speech.” Cynthia finished and Evan’s heart stopped.

 

 _Your speech_.

 

“My what?” His voice was soft, his hands suddenly sweating as he realized that Connor was right- everyone expected him to go up and talk about Connor. But Evan had nothing to say- he didn’t know… He _couldn’t_ , he couldn’t go up in front of everyone and lie and fabricate this story into an even bigger, wider-spread one. It was wrong- Evan was just _wrong-_

 

“Well, Alana said that anyone who wanted to would have a chance to say something tomorrow.” Cynthia smiled sympathetically at Evan, which made his guilt deepen in his stomach, making him feel nauseous. “I think we all assumed that you would be the first to sign up.” She finished a little softer, as if realizing Evan’s panic.

 

“I don’t, um…” Evan shook his heads, the words failing to come to him- how did he explain that he could not go up in front of his entire school to give a speech? Evan could barely give a speech in front of his class, or a _mirror_ . It was just too much- the entire school would be way,  _way_ too much… “The thing is just, I don’t really do very well with, um, with public speaking. I’m not very good at it. You wouldn’t want me to. Trust me.” Evan shook his head slightly, forcing himself to stop rambling. His eyes fell to his feet and he wiped his hand along his shirt in attempt to dry them off, but they wouldn’t dry off- because why would they?

 

“Of course I would want you to.” Evan looked up, confused before realizing that she had never seen Evan try to public speak before- that’s why she wanted him too. He’d have to make her understand… Cynthia kept talking. “I’m sure the whole school wants to hear from you. I know Larry and I do, and Zoe…” _And Zoe_ . For some reason, the words resonated in his mind. Cynthia stepped back, her sympathetic smile returning. “Think about it?” She sounded so hopeful that Evan felt guilty for wanting- for _needing_ \- to say no.

 

Cynthia backed out of her son’s room, leaving Evan alone, standing in the center of his “dead best friend’s” room. His heart was pounding as he fiddled with Connor’s tie, unsure what to do with it. But more so, he didn’t know what to do with himself.

 

 _“Well?”_ His head jerked up and his eyes met Connor’s blue ones again. Connor had taken Evan’s place on the bed, laying on his back as his gaze shirted up towards the ceiling. _“You can’t very well back out of it now. You were supposed to be my best friend after all. What kind of best friend wouldn’t speak at their best friends memorial service?”_ He said, looking over at Evan with emotionless eyes as he repeated his words from earlier, the phrase sticking in his mind- because what friend _wouldn’t_ speak at their best friends memorial assembly?

 

“A grieving one…” His words felt forced and fake. Even Evan didn’t believe them.

 

 _“Oh, and a grieving best friend would definitely be at school, organizing a big project.”_ Connor rolled his eyes before looking back up at the ceiling for a moment. Silence fell between them. Evan’s eyes dropped to the tie in his hands, which he had balled up. _“Think about it Hansen.”_ Connor started to speak again. _“This assembly is part of the project that you’re so passionate about. What will everyone think if you_ don’t _go up?”_

 

His words seemed to smack Evan in the face. He was just… _so confused_. It hurt- it physically ached in Evan’s chest. He had no idea what to do.

 

Evan was stuck.

 

He dropped his head into his hands, stepping back until his back was against the wall. Slowly, he slid down until he was sitting on the floor, shaking as his head fell onto his knees as he struggled not to fall into panic. It hurt to breathe- he was _stuck_ , he was _so stuck_ . There wasn’t any good way of this anymore- _why hadn’t he just told the truth?! Why had he lied-_

 

Well, Evan had tried to tell the truth. Twice- that first day in the Principal's office, he had told them the truth two times but they hadn’t believed them. Why had he _stopped_ … He should have insisted- and even if they’d still invited him over to dinner, he shouldn’t have lied there- _he shouldn’t have come into the Murphy’s house and lied to them about their dead son who committed suicide_.

 

It hurt- not because he didn’t know what to do, Evan realized, but because he felt _so fucking guilty_ . His panic was starting to fill his lungs, suffocating him- and the pressure on his chest increased. He pulled his knees in closer to his chest- he couldn’t hyperventilate in the Murphy’s house, he couldn’t do this here in Connor Murphy’s fucking _bedroom_. He was pathetic- Evan Hansen was so fucking _pathetic_.

 

All because he couldn’t tell the truth, all because the Murphy’s thought that he had been friends with Connor and Evan was too much of a pussy to tell them the truth- to own up to his mistakes and tell the grieving family that he was sorry for their loss, but that he and Connor hadn’t been friends- that it had been a different Connor, that it had just been because he felt bad that no one had signed Evan’s cast, _something_.

 

He should have said _something_ that wasn’t confirming that Evan Hansen and Connor Murphy had been friends-  _best_ friends. They hadn’t been friends- they hadn’t even been _acquaintances_ . They’d only spoken a few times before that day. Hell, Evan had been _scared_ of Connor. But he’d lied.

 

And now? This was what happened when Evan lied. Shit got out of hand because he _couldn’t stop_.

 

 _“Hansen, you can’t stop anyways.”_ Connor’s voice was loud, but he wasn’t shouting. His tone was neutral, but every word felt like Evan was being attacked. He took a deep, shaky breath that did nothing. _“Telling the truth could kill my parents. If you tell them, you’ll ruin my entire family. The Connor Project will be done before it’s even started. You’ll lose the only two people on the face of the earth who seem to want to talk to you. Even your mom will abandon you, the way that your dad did all those years ago. You need to keep going. Because if you stop, everything that happens to my family will be your fault. You’ll have broken them.”_

 

Connor fell silent and Evan numbly realized that he was hyperventilating. _“Don’t break them, Hansen.”_ Connor’s voice grew softer. _“They don’t deserve that.”_

  


************************

  


His hands were shaking, his legs were shaking, _he_ was shaking. His eyes darted around, trying to make out faces in the dark blur in front of him. The spotlight shining down on him was so bright, _too_ bright for Evan to make out figures and things around him because it meant that everyone was looking at him, _everyone_ was looking at _him_ … Evan could faintly hear himself breathing in the speakers- deep, ragged breaths- and it registered to him that there was a microphone in front of him, he was supposed to be speaking to them-

 

_About what?_

 

He couldn’t remember- his mind was completely blank. His hands were shaking- _notecards_ , he realized suddenly. His eyes darted down to the white pieces of paper in his hands. Alana’s perfected writing was scrawled across the lines, but Evan could barely read them- he was shaking too much and his eyes were blurring and _fuck_ -

 

“Good morning, students and faculty.” Evan winced as his voice echoed around the room, sounding louder than Evan had ever sounded before and it registered to him that people were _listening_ to him- being required too, but listening nonetheless. “I would, um…” He forced his eyes to focus on Alana’s small writing, forced himself to read and try to forget everyone in front of him- forget that they were staring at him, forget _everything_ and just _read the words so he could leave and never come back_ \- “I would just like to say a few words to you today about…” The next words seemed to weigh a million pounds- it _hurt_ to say them, it hurt to get them out because they _weren’t true_ \- “...my best friend… Connor Murphy…”

 

Suddenly, it registered to him that Larry and Cynthia and Zoe were all sitting in the audience, all listening to hear what Evan was going to say about their family member- about _Connor_ . They were the real reason he was up here- because he couldn't let them down. He couldn't... _break_ them, as Connor had put it. He wouldn't. His hands were shaking and another wave of nausea washed over him because he wasn’t just telling the Murphy's, it was _everyone_ \- the entire _school_ … _“_ I’d like to tell you about the day that we went to the old Autumn Smile Apple Orchard. Connor and I, we stood under an oak tree, and Connor said, he wondered what the world would look like from all the way up there. So we decided to find out.” Evan glanced up, unsure why because it sent his mind spiraling again because _fuck that was a lot of people and the story was stupid and pathetic and fuck fuck fuckfuckfuck_ -

 

Evan took a shaky breath- he tried to hold it the way that Dr. Sherman had told him too, but he could only hold it for 4 when he was supposed to hold it for 10. “We started climbing slowly, one branch at a time. When I finally looked back, we were already thirty feet off the ground.” Suddenly, it registered to Evan that he should have _died_ there, falling out of that tree- then none of this would have happened. Maybe it wouldn’t even have been considered a suicide- he hadn’t written a note, the same as Connor had. Maybe it would just be a freak accident- one that would made the news for a day (if Evan was lucky) and then be forgotten forever and everyone would move past it and _that would be so so so nice why hadn’t that happened_ \- “Connor just looked at me and smiled, that way he always did. And then… well, then I…”

 

Jared’s voice suddenly appeared in his mind- _...another meltdown like last year in English when you were supposed to give that speech about Daisy Buchanan, but instead you just stood there staring at your notecards and saying, “um, um, um” over and over again like you were having a brain aneurysm_ … That’s what was happening- that’s what was going to happen and Evan _knew_ that, the words wouldn’t come he couldn’t _think_ , what was he supposed to say- His eyes focused on the card in front of him. “...I fell. I lay there on the ground and then-” He quickly flipped to the next notecard, his breaths coming faster and faster and faster as he tried to rush so he could be done and go and _fuck_ \- “Good morning, students and faculty, I would um…” Terror suddenly ran through his entire body. _He’d lost his place_.

 

Evan took a shaky breath, his hands fumbling with the notecards as he tried to find where he'd been. _Please please please please_ \- They fell from his hands. Evan lunged for them, falling to his hands and knees and suddenly, it occurred to him that he was hyperventilating- he was going to freak out on stage in front of everyone and be known as “Evan Hansen- the kid who had a panic attack on stage talking about his dead best friend Connor Murphy, the school shooter”. He began to stammer quietly, not sure if anyone could hear him- he _doubted_ anyone could hear him because no one ever did and it was better than way because look what happened when people actually _listened_ -

 

It was just like when he was laying there under that tree, the pain unbearable as he stared up at the blue sky and the branches of the tree that he’d just fallen out of- he lay there, waiting, _hoping_ that someone would come and get him. But nobody did- he was alone, out there to die by himself. It was the same way here- Evan was laying there, on the ground, shaking and rocking back and forth slightly like a _child_ , and _no one_ was going to come and get him. Not Alana, not Jared, not his mom, not the Murphy’s, not Connor.

 

Evan was alone.

 

The word rang in his head- _alone_ . Evan was _alone_ , he was just alone alone alone _alone_ … Why had he thought this was a good idea?! Why couldn’t be be real with these people, why did he keep doing this- why was Evan such a _fuck up_ -

 

 _“Hansen.”_ Evan’s eyes darted up and he realized, suddenly, that Connor was kneeling next to him. His expression was unreadable- which almost caused Evan to freak out even more. _“You can’t lay here forever. Eventually, everyone will just leave and no one will take The Connor Project seriously because that freak Evan Hansen who hyperventilated on stage is in it.”_

 

Connor had a point- he couldn’t stay here forever because he’d be letting everyone down and, if he had a full-blown panic attack here, he’d have to tell Dr. Sherman about and the whole thing would unravel and it couldn’t do that- “C-Can’t…” Evan’s voice was soft and rough and sounded  _stupid._ He shook his head slightly, terror coursing through his veins faster than his blood was.

 

 _“Yeah, you can.”_ Connor raised an eyebrow. _“You walked away from that tree, didn’t you? You picked yourself up and left. You did it then, you can do it again.”_

 

Evan shook his head harder, suddenly aware that he was crying.  _That was different_. Evan wasn't entirely sure how- but it was  _different_. “N-No-” He sucked in another heavy, airy breath. He felt sick-  _so so sick_... 

 

 _“Evan.”_ Connor’s eyes met his. Evan froze, unsure of what to do- he was just, he couldn’t breathe and it was too much- it was all too much- _“Breathe. The faster you calm down, the faster you can get off of this stage, right?”_ He smiled a little bit- it was a sad smile, but this was the kindest that ghost-Connor had ever been to Evan. It confused him. _“Come on, you can stand up. Just finish your speech and then you can leave. You remember it, don’t you? You recited it at least 20 times last night.”_

 

Evan didn’t remember it- he _didn’t_ , he realized suddenly. His cards were scattered all around him. There was no way in hell he’d be able to find the right cards and put them in order- _fuck_ \- “I… um…” Evan took a shaky breath, shutting his eyes. “I-”

 

 _“Even if you don’t remember the wording exactly, you know what it’s about, right?”_ Connor said. _“It’s about not being forgotten. About everyone mattering? Ring a bell?”_

 

Evan’s hand clenched around the tie. _No one deserves to disappear into nothing_.

 

 _“Yeah, like that.”_ Connor rolled his eyes. _“Come on, you can do this. Remember what Cynthia said- everyone wants to hear what you have to say. They can’t hear it very well if you’re on the ground having a panic attack.”_

 

Evan’s eyes moved away from Connor, towards the crowd of dark faces. A silence had settled over everyone. No one did anything- it was as if the entire world had been paused like a TV screen. Evan gulped, looking back at Connor. “I…” His voice was quiet and Evan barely heard it himself, but it wasn't as loud in his ears as it had been only a moment ago. 

 

Connor sighed, standing up. _“Evan, what reason would I have to lie to you? Everyone wants to hear what you have to say. They want to_ hear you _. Isn’t that what you wanted? Isn’t this,”_ he gestured around at Evan's surroundings, _“exactly what you wanted? In a way? You can be_ heard _. People are here to listen and to find you, Evan.”_ Connor held a hand out, as if to help Evan up from the ground. _“Now come on. Let’s finish this speech.”_

 

Evan paused, looking up at Connor Murphy and his outstretched hand. Connor's expression was neutral, but also sympathetic- as if he understood or... sort of understand what was happening to Evan. And, as far as Evan knew, he might have. Anyone might.

 

Slowly, Evan reached up to take Connor’s hand.

 

************************

 

 

_So, let that lonely feeling wash away_

_Maybe there's a reason to believe you'll be okay_

_'Cause when you don't feel strong enough to stand_

_You can reach,_

_Reach out your hand_

_And oh, someone will come runnin'_

_And I know they'll take you home_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As of two days ago, it's officially been three months since I saw Dear Evan Hansen, live and in person??? I mean what- it's been three months since I saw BEN PLATT??? Also, 2 months ago today, Ben had just left? Excuse? Me? 
> 
> (fun fact- the date I chose for Connor's assembly is the day I saw Dear Evan Hansen)
> 
> So yeah, this was born in spite of this long-ass, emotional week. I hope that it's okay? I wrote the majority of it tonight, but either way, I'm pretty proud of it- please leave any feedback, good or bad! It means so much. 
> 
> Wait- also thank you for 200 hits????? WHAT?! More than 200 people have read this??? I'm??? Shook?????? 
> 
> (lol sorry I'm exhausted but here ya go anyways- sorry for any mistakes I may have skipped while rereading this)
> 
>  
> 
> Also, I know that a lot of Dear Evan Hansen fans connect with the show due to the themes of mental illness and suicide. If you've got down here, I'm proud of you for getting through today- whether it was a good day or a bad day or just a day. It'll get better- remember; You Will Be Found.


	8. #YouWillBeFound

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over 18,000 people had seen the video of Evan’s speech. The video had almost 16,000 likes. Around 13,000 had commented something- from a profound statement to a retweet to a thank you to a #youwillbefound. It had become trending on twitter, according to Jared and Alana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't own the plot, dialogue, or characters. I only own my own writing.

Evan looked away from the computer screen, at the video of himself on stage. He was sweating in the video, his face red, but he had a look of such determination displayed across his face that it was almost sad. His breathing was so loud, but it evened out eventually. Evan knew- he had watched the video at least 10 times. 

 

If he was being honest, Evan didn’t remember saying any of these things. He didn’t really remember anything past standing up with the help of Connor. He must have blacked out or something- but he hadn’t. Evan had stood up, taken a deep breath, and given an entire speech. 

 

A  _ good _ speech.

 

Video-Evan was talking. It didn’t even sound like the voice that Evan heard daily, but somehow it was his.  _ “But see, the thing is, when I looked up… Connor was there. That’s the gift that he gave me. To show me that I wasn’t alone. To show me that I matter. That everybody does. That’s the gift that he gave all of us. I just wish… I wish we could have given that to him _ . _ ” _

 

Evan paused the video, staring at the version of himself in the screen. It didn’t even look like him. Sure, the figure had his face and his posture and his body, but there was look of… something Evan couldn’t place- determination? Confidence?- on his face. He even  _ stood _ more confidently, even with Evan’s crumpled over posture. He didn’t understand what had happened- boy, what Evan would have  _ given _ to know what had happened… 

 

A message popped up in the corner of the screen, followed by a quiet  _ Ding! _ Evan clicked on it hesitantly. Alana Beck had forwarded him a post- the video that Evan was watching currently. He paused it quickly to keep himself from rewatching it for the millionth time. He looked back at her message.  _ Alana Beck: Have you seen this?! Someone put a video of your speech online. _

 

Evan didn’t know how to respond, but she sent another message moments later.  _ Alana Beck: People started sharing it, I guess, and now… I mean, Connor is everywhere. _

 

Evan’s phone buzzed. His heart leapt and he looked over at the small box on his bedside table. No one ever texted or called him- the most people did was either email or Facebook message, but neither of those were main ways of communication. They showed just what they thought of Evan- he was worthy of being Facebook messaged. 

 

Slowly, he reached over, grabbing it when his thoughts began to multiply. The only person who ever called or texted him was his mom- what if something was wrong with his mom? What if something happened at work or on the way back from work? Or what if she saw the video? How the hell would he explain that?! Evan’s stomach dropped and he clenched the phone tighter, not daring to look at the screen as he tried to recall the somewhat-calm emotion that he’d had a few moments ago. 

 

He had told his mom that he and Connor hadn’t been friends at all, that Evan hadn’t known him. He had told his mom the truth. For a moment, Evan wondered how he was going to conceal something like this from her- but then he realized that lying to his mom wasn’t hard. It was second-nature by now because she just didn’t care or didn’t want to help. Or maybe she just didn’t see him. 

 

That was probably it. Evan shut his eyes. She just didn’t see him- either she couldn’t or didn’t want too. 

 

He turned his phone over in his hand and saw the message was from  _ Jared Koolman _ .  _ What? _ Evan hesitantly unlocked his phone, confused. Jared never texted him unless Evan texted first, he needed something, or he was making fun of Evan. They hadn’t talked in days, not since before Evan’s speech. Slowly, Evan began to read, almost scared of the result.

 

_ Jared Koolman: Holy shit dude, have you seen the number of views and stuff on your speech?! _

 

Evan didn’t know how to respond to this either. Slowly, he answered.  _ Me: No _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Some people must have shared it or something because your speech is EVERYWHERE. I mean, this morning, The Connor Project had 56 people following it. _

 

That implied that more people had followed it, that more people had seen the video of Evan Hansen giving a speech about his fake best friend… Evan wasn’t sure whether to be happy or mortified.

 

_ Me: How many does it have now? _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Oh, not many, just  _ **_4,582_ **

 

Evan’s heart stopped. Jared must be messing with him- he  _ had _ to be messing with him. There was no way that in just two days, 4,526 people had watched Evan’s video and followed The Connor Project. There weren’t 4,526 people in Evan’s school- or even in his town! Even if families had seen it… oh  _ god _ , had families seen it?!

 

Evan’s fingers began to slowly move, feeling heavy and numb as he pressed on the screen.  _ Me: are you kidding? _

 

_ Jared Koolman: Check the website _

 

Evan grabbed the computer in front of him and pulled up the link that Alana had sent him. He hadn’t been looking at The Connor Project page- he hadn’t since before the speech. For some reason, Evan just couldn’t bring himself too. He’d been watching the video through a YouTube link that had popped up on Facebook. In the back of his mind, Evan realized that his mom would definitely see it if it was on Facebook, but he couldn’t focus on that right now. 

 

The sky-blue screen popped up in front of Evan as soon as he pressed enter. The words  The Connor Project \- splayed in light blue, dark blue, and black- met Evan’s eyes and, for a moment, he was amazed at how well Jared had designed the website. Sure enough, at the top of the website- the most recent post- was Evan’s speech. His heart leapt as he realized that over  _ 6,000 _ people had viewed it. 

 

Over 6,000 people had watched Evan Hansen give a speech. 

 

The thought kept repeated- it didn’t make sense, it didn’t make any sense why would anyone want to watch  _ him _ ?! Evan brought his eyes up to the follower counter and-  _ holy shit _ . Jared was right. The follower count was currently 4,591. It scrolled up to 4,592 a moment later, making Evan’s heart leapt. 

 

He leaned back, pressing himself against the wall behind him. “Holy shit.” Evan mumbled, his voice soft and nearly inaudible. 

 

_ “Holy shit is right.” _ Connor said, suddenly appearing at the edge of Evan’s bed. Evan looked up, meeting his bright blue eyes. Connor gave him a small smile and shrugged slightly, nodding towards the laptop in Evan’s lap. Connor shrugged slightly.  _ “You did it. Congratulations.” _

 

Evan looked back down at The Connor Project website, his heart thudding.  _ He had done it.  _ He shook his head slightly, almost confused because  _ he had done it _ . A smile tugged at the corners of his mouth as it settled in his mind-  _ Evan had done it. _

 

He began to click on the comments left on the page, a new surge of confidence and…  _ happiness _ rolling through him as Evan began to read. 

 

_ Jessi Killam: Oh my God _

 

_ Charles Morris: Everyone needs to see this #youwillbefound _

 

_ Aaron Morrin: Seventeen years old! _

 

_ Chrissie Gladwyn: Take 5 minutes. This will make your day! _

 

_ Eli Foster: Share it with the people you love _

 

_ Randall Sampson: The world needs to hear this beautiful tribute! _

 

_ Will Barr: I know someone who really needed to hear this today, so thank you, Evan Hansen, for doing what you’re doing #youwillbefound _

 

_ Riley Dyer: I never met you, Connor. But coming on here, reading everyone’s posts… it’s so easy to feel alone, but Evan is exactly right, we’re not alone. None of us #youwillbefound _

 

_ Sabrina Patel: None of us are alone <3 #youwillbefound _

 

_ Chandler Fay: This is so important- especially with everything you near in the news _

 

_ Matt Holtzer: Thank you, Evan Hansen, for giving us a space to remember Connor _

 

_ Hayden Beckett: Thank you, Evan Hansen, for giving us a space to be together and to find each other #youwillbefound _

 

_ Gabriella Smythe: Sending prayers from Michigan! _

 

_ Dezi Miller: Love from Vermont <3 _

 

_ Kyle Summers: Thank you Evan Hansen _

 

_ Ben Stack: Thank you, Evan _

 

_ Claire Kendrick: Sending prayers from Tampa! _

 

_ Julia Foster: This video is everything right now #youwillbefound _

 

_ Dean Adams: This is about community and the meaning of friendship. Thank you, Evan Hansen, for reminding us that we’re not alone #youwillbefound _

 

_ Taylor Gray: #YOUWILLBEFOUND _

 

Evan didn’t realize he was crying until his tears hit his hands. He reached up, hesitantly wiping at his face. His fingers pulled away wet, but the feeling deep in his stomach wasn’t dread or sadness. It was… amazement. 

 

How had he- Evan Hansen, a boy with severe social anxiety who had never had a friend in his life- somehow reached all of these people? How had  _ his speech _ touched so many others? How had some many people  _ connected _ with what he had said? All of the messages were so similar, yet each of them held something different; a different, original story full of different experiences, but with one thing in common- the need to be found. 

 

And somehow, through everything, Evan Hansen- the boy who had tried to kill himself by jumping out of a tree just a few weeks prior- had helped all of these people be found.  _ He _ had found them. And, in the process, been found himself. 

  
  


************************

  
  


“Have you seen how many likes and views The Connor Project page has gotten in the past few days?” Cynthia laughed and it wasn’t fake at all. Evan’s eyes watched her as she turned back towards him, a wide smile on her face as she laughed again. “It’s incredible, Evan- it’s absolutely incredible!” 

 

“I don’t…” Evan shook his head slightly, still- even days later- confused and bewildered. 

 

Cynthia pressed a button on her computer and laughed again. “It’s up to 16,289!!! This is  _ incredible _ , Evan!” She repeated. She’d been saying that for the past 10 minutes. It was the first time that Evan had been over to the Murphy’s since the speech. It had been 4 days. 

 

“I don’t understand.” Evan found himself shaking his head again, laughing numbly because he  _ didn’t _ understand, it still made no sense to him. He tried to make sense of it- but, in reality, it was still an unsolved puzzle to him. It felt like there were pieces missing because it just, it was too good to be true. What Evan thought couldn’t be real-  _ this _ couldn’t be real… “What happened?”

 

Cynthia stepped closer to him, her hand resting gently on his shoulder as she smiled widely at him. “You did.” She said before pulling him into a hug. Cynthia Murphy liked to give hugs, Evan had realized, and her hugs always made him feel better. But this time, when his heart lifted, it wasn’t just because of the fact that she was hugging him. Her words echoed in his mind-  _ You did! _ Evan had… he had done it. It had to be true because Evan wasn’t the only one who believed it. It was true. Evan had done it. 

 

He bit his lip, smiling. It felt good to smile, it felt good to know that  _ he had done something right _ . Evan’s heart began to beat faster at the thought-  _ he had done something right _ . He had helped someone- he had apparently helped over  _ 16 thousand people _ . 

 

Over 18,000 people had seen the video of Evan’s speech. The video had almost 16,000 likes. Around 13,000 had commented something- from a profound statement to a retweet to a thank you to a #youwillbefound. It had become trending on twitter, according to Jared and Alana. Evan’s heart leapt at the thought. 

 

Cynthia pulled back from the hug and opened her mouth to say something, but the words that came out weren’t hers. “Evan…? Can I talk to you for a second?” Evan turned his head and his eyes met the blue, almost watery eyes of Zoe Murphy. Her eyes looked almost identical to Connor’s, Evan realized suddenly. 

 

He found himself nodding slightly, glancing up at Cynthia, who was still smiling. “Uh, yeah… Yeah, sure…” Zoe turned back towards the stairs and began to walk back up them, signalling for Evan to follow. 

 

Evan didn’t know what to expect her to say. It was terrifying- he and Zoe hadn’t really spoken, one on one, since… well, since he’d kissed her. And now Zoe was seeking him out and bringing him upstairs to “talk for a second”. 

 

Zoe turned and walked down the hall, to the bedroom of Connor Murphy. Evan’s heart leapt and he hesitantly followed. Zoe disappeared inside, pushing the door open wider. Evan stepped inside to see her sitting on Connor’s bed, her eyes scanning the room. She had a sad look on her face- but it wasn’t entirely sad. He glanced back, unsure if he should go inside- after all, the last time that they had been in this room together, Evan had impulsively kissed her on her brothers bed and fucked up any chance he had with her (which was next to none). 

 

Her eyes met Evan’s as he looked back. “You can…” She gestured beside him. Slowly, Evan came and sat down beside her. He didn’t know what was happening- it didn’t make any sense- why would Zoe Murphy want to speak to Evan alone in her dead brothers bedroom?! Suddenly, his heart began to go even faster and he could barely breathe.  _ What had he done?! _ Had Evan done something- had he said something in his speech that wasn’t okay by her? Did she not like the speech? What did she want?!

 

She was quiet for a moment. Evan’s heart was pounding- he couldn’t breathe right, he was just, what had he done? He took a deep breath, pulling at his shirt as Zoe took a deep breath too and began to speak. “Everything you said in your speech.” Her voice was soft and… emotion filled. Evan looked up and was startled to see there were tears in her eyes, a tear running down her cheek.  _ What- _ “Everything you’ve done… You don’t know how much…” She didn’t seem to know what to say. Her eyes were on his and he couldn’t tell if she was sad or happy or why she was crying or anything. “What you’ve given… all of us, everyone. My family. Me.” She shrugged slightly, not bothering to wipe at the tear running down her cheek.

 

Evan didn’t understand why she was crying. He felt uncomfortable nevertheless, because she didn’t know and no one knew and, for a few moments, he had been able to forget that this was all a lie- but it was so much bigger than a lie at this point because this was helping  _ thousands _ of people. “No, I… this is…” He shook his head slightly, trying to explain-  _ explain what? _

 

She cut him off, smiling sadly at him as another tear ran down her cheek. “You’ve given me my brother back.” Then, without any warning, she leaned forwards and kissed him. 

 

Evan’s heart leapt and he pulled back without thinking, his eyes wide.  _ Zoe Murphy had just kissed him- she had just kissed him!! _ His heart was going crazy, his mind following because  _ why _ had she kissed him, why  _ him _ , what-

 

_ “Stop.” _ Evan looked out at the door, his eyes meeting the blue eyes of Connor Murphy. He looked amused, staring at the sight of Evan Hansen kissing his sister Zoe Murphy.  _ “Take a deep breath.” _ He said, his eyes flicking between the two.  _ “This is what you wanted, isn’t it? My sister?” _ He gestured towards her, rolling his eyes.  _ “Well…” _

 

This was bad though, this wasn’t right- this didn’t… it didn’t feel good, it didn’t feel how it should. Evan looked down before glancing up at Zoe again. She looked confused and… she was smiling. Her words repeated in my head.  _ “You’ve give me my brother back.” _

 

Evan glanced back out at Connor, who nodded. Evan looked back at Zoe again before making up his mind. Evan took a deep breath, leaned forwards and pressed his lips against Zoe Murphy’s. 

 

_ There’s no going back now _ .

  
  


************************

 

_ Even when the dark comes crashing through _

_ When you need someone to carry you _

_ When you’re broken on the ground _

_ You will be found _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's a little short, but I wanted to end it with the kiss and I didn't know what else to add so...
> 
> I hope that it's okay? I tried lol
> 
> Anyways, that's also the end of Act One! Now it's time for Act Two- the act that rips out your heart and tears it into shreds!
> 
>  
> 
> (I also have no experience whatsoever with romance so RIP scenes with Zoe x Evan parts- sorry in advance for what I butcher them)


	9. Away

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Over 50,000 people had seen his speech and liked it. People weren’t avoiding him at school. They actually talked to him and… acted like they enjoyed it. It was insane- everything had suddenly turned around. Everyone was happy- the Murphy’s, Zoe, Alana, Jared, Evan…
> 
> Yeah. He paused, smiling a little. He was. He was happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm backkkkkkkk
> 
> (it's been a month o m g)  
> (idk if that was sarcastic or not)

_ 51,007 views; 47,987 likes; 45,621 comments; 49,021 retweets; 50,465 follows _

 

_ Alana Beck: Are you ready? We should publish the fundraiser at exactly 5:00 so we know exactly when it ends. Everything is ready on my end! _

 

Evan took a deep breath, looking down at his phone before gazing back up at the mirror. He looked… good. His hair was staying down, his shirt wasn’t wrinkled, his face… wasn’t as bad. He looked okay. He reached down, grabbing his phone as he walked back towards his room, his footsteps echoing through the empty house.  _ Me: Give me like a minute and I’ll be good _

 

He reached his bed, sitting with his back pressed against the wall. He took a deep breath, grabbing his computer and propping it up on his lap. He opened the screen, which was on The Connor Project page. The amount of followers that had continued to flood in over the past few weeks was insane- it hurt Evan’s head to think about it. Over  _ 50,000 people _ had seen his speech and liked it. People weren’t avoiding him at school. They actually  _ talked _ to him and… acted like they enjoyed it. It was insane- everything had suddenly turned around. Everyone was happy- the Murphy’s, Zoe, Alana, Jared, Evan… 

 

Yeah. He paused, smiling a little. He was. He was happy. 

 

Alana answered, his phone vibrating on the blue bedspread.  _ Alana Beck: Alright! I’ll call you and we can start it up! _

 

_ Me: Sounds good! _

 

Evan’s video-chat icon on his laptop began to bounce, signaling that Alana was calling him. He pressed accept and Alana’s smiling face filled his screen. She looked the same- she always did. Her face had begun to feel comforting in the past few weeks because she was as passionate and stunned at what was as Evan was. “Hi Evan.” She said, barely giving him enough time to mutter a “hi” in response before continuing talking again. “Did you get the script I sent you?” 

 

He nodded. It was up on the screen, beside Alana’s face. “I did!” Evan scrolled through the document. His parts were highlighted with blue. There were significantly less parts for him than for Alana, but Evan didn’t mind. It was easier for Alana to have most of the logistics, because she always said them in such a good, powerful way that Evan couldn’t dream of replicating. “I’m ready when you are.” He added, looking back at Alana. 

 

She smiled. “Okay! I’ll count down…” She clicked something, focusing for a moment before sitting back. Alana counted backwards from three and Evan forced a smile onto his face, focusing on anywhere but the little square at the bottom because if he did that, he’d see himself and immediately call it off until he could fix whatever little thing was out of place- because there was always something with Evan… Alana reached one and began to speak in the fast-paced, optimistic tone she always did. “Hey, everybody, it’s me Alana, Connor Project co-president, associate treasurer, media consultant, chief technology officer, and assistant creative director slash public policy director for creative public policy initiative for The Connor Project.”

 

Evan resisted the urge to grin stupidly, because she always insisted they say their titles and he always felt so stupid after her big, long, important one, but lately, he felt different. Happy, almost- because in reality, did it matter? It was just a title and the comparison was almost laughable. “Hi I’m Evan. I’m co-president of The Connor Project.” 

  
“Wish I could see all of your amazing faces out there!” Alana said sincerely. 

 

“We hope you’re having an amazing day!” Evan added. They always started off their messages with something like this- something positive, because there wasn’t enough positivity in the world. Especially with all of the connections they had made, with everyone who had reached out to them, struggling… It reminded Evan that he wasn’t alone and gave him determination to try and brighten someone’s day. Alana had immediately loved the idea and it had stuck. It always reminded Evan of the ‘Dear Evan Hansen, today is going to be a good day and here’s why’ he was supposed to write daily. 

 

Alana paused a moment before starting to read from the script. “Now, I know a lot of your guys have seen the inspiration videos on our website.”

 

Evan’s eyes darted to the script, which he had run over several times in the mirror before doing this- at least 8 different times. “Thank you for checking out the awesome new videos we put up this week with Mr. and Mrs. Murphy, Connor’s sister Zoe-”

 

Alana cut him off, holding out a hand in the direction of where Evan’s box would be. She had planned this out to the last little detail. It was kind of incredible. “And Connor’s best friend, my co-president: Evan Hansen.”

  
He looked up at the camera, taking a deep breath as they really got to- as Alana called it- ‘the heart of the video’. “As you know, Connor’s favorite place in the entire world was the incredible Autumn Smile Apple Orchard.”

 

“The stunning Autumn Smile Apple Orchard, which tragically closed seven years ago.” Alana cut in, the way she always did. 

 

“Connor loved trees.” Evan barely got out before Alana cut in again. “Connor was  _ obsessed _ with trees. He and Evan used to spend hours together sitting at the orchard, looking at the trees…  _ being _ with the trees, sharing fun facts they knew about the trees…” 

 

_ If someone were to look a little too closely, they might realize that  _ you _ are obsessed with trees _ . A voice whispered in the back of Evan’s mind- not Connor’s, because Connor’s wasn’t mean or threatening anymore.  _ And then it would all unravel from there and it’d all be messed up and for nothing. All of this would be broken, because of you. Like always _ -

 

Evan tried to push the thoughts back. He took a deep breath, gripping his shirt tightly with one hand. “But the one thing Connor wished more than anything was that some day the orchard would be brought back to life.”

 

“Which is where you come in…” Alana pressed a button. In the notes Alana had put on the script, a link would appear at the top of the screen- the link to the Kickstarter fund towards bringing the orchard back to life and dedicating it to Connor. It felt kind of wrong at times- dedicating an orchard to Connor Murphy, the kid whom Evan hadn’t ever known- but, as Evan reminded himself almost daily, this wasn’t just about  _ Connor _ anymore either. It was about everyone. 

 

“Because today we are starting a major Kick-” Evan was cut off a third time by Alana, who’s tone rose above and almost drowned Evan out- ironic, huh? “One of the most ambitious Kickstarter initiatives since the internet was first created to raise- gulp- fifty thousand dollars…” She pressed another button, which would show the Kickstarter page instead of their faces once Jared was done editing the video.

 

“Fifty thousands dollars in three weeks.” Evan clenched his hands together, forcing down the sudden tight feeling in his chest. He pressed on his knuckles, trying to press out the sudden tension unsuccessfully.  _ What if they couldn’t do it? What if no one donated?! What would happen, how would it even work? How- _

 

He took a deep breath, listening to Alana speak. “It’s a lot of money, I know…” She believed it would work and Alana was smart- the smartest person that Evan knew. So it would work… It had too. “But it’s also a lot of amazing. So let’s do it, guys, and…”

 

Evan and Alana spoke in unison. “...make The Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard not just a dream… but a-”

 

Alana’s voice rose above Evan’s, drowning him out a second time. “But a reality!” 

  
  


************************

  
  


_ Jared Koolman: I gotta new email for you acorn _

 

_ Jared Koolman: This one’s a keeper _

 

_ Jared Koolman: None of dat gay shit or talk of porn or sex or unrelated memes or bath bombs or anything else on the list of shit I can’t include _

 

_ Me: Cool! I’ll read it right now! _

 

Evan pulled up a new tab on his computer, finding the Google drive folder filled with the fake letters. He opened the newest one, dated  _ 1/9/16 _ . Jared’s profile picture- Pepe- stared up at him from the corner, the little pink cursor going moving from one word to the next in what Jared probably hoped was distracting. He sighed, shaking his head as he began to read the letter. 

 

_ Dear Evan Hansen,  _

 

_ Life at rehab is alright. I like the yoga and the sharing circles every night. I know these stories sometimes scare you half to death, but so many people end up sucking dick for meth. _

 

Evan could almost hear Jared’s crazed laughter. 

 

_ Oh and one more thing that I think is worth mentioning- you know that guy from our school, Jared Kleinman? Yeah! The insanely cool Jared Kleinman! I think we should make him a part of this awesome friendship we have! We could be like the three musketeers.  _

 

That was as far as Evan got before Jared messaged him- on the document this time. The chat box popped up on the right corner.  _ Jared Kleinman: So whatcha think tree boi?  _

 

Evan took a deep breath, his chest tightening. He hated having to tell Jared this, because Jared could just leave him and stop helping at any moment in time (Evan wasn’t too worried about Jared telling everyone anymore (which was a first) because even  _ he _ understood that it was bigger than the Murphy’s and Connor and Evan now).  _ Me: Okay no Jared obviously not _

 

_ Jared Kleinman: What? What’s the problem? _

 

_ Me: You weren’t friends with him. That’s not part of the story. I was his only friend, you know that. You can’t just make things up. You need to redo it _

 

As soon as Evan pressed send, his heart stopped- had he been too forwards and blunt? He didn’t want to hurt him, but… the story was important. If the story got too fucked up, then no one would believe him anymore and then it would come out that Evan had lied and it would all collapse into nothingness and- 

 

Evan forced himself to take a deep breath, shutting his eyes.  _ It wouldn’t because it couldn’t. It’d be okay. It would be okay. It had to be okay _ . The tight feeling in his chest had only gotten worse, but Evan tried to push it down. There wasn’t anything wrong-  _ nothing _ was wrong, everything was great. Better than it had been in a long time. Evan didn’t have anything to be upset about. He finally had people who would listen to him, people who  _ cared _ about him. No one avoided him at school, people talked to him- were  _ interested _ in him. He shouldn’t be upset. Everything was great. 

 

_ Jared Kleinman: YOU’RE TOTALLY RIGHT. I mean, what was I thinking- just making things up in a completely fabricated email exchange that never happened?!?!  _

 

He sighed, a little annoyed- which might be good. It was better to be annoyed that it was to feel tight… Either way, Jared knew that he had to stick to the story- especially if he really cared about The Connor Project. If Jared stopped helding Evan with the emails, then the Murphy’s might realize what was true. If they did that, they’d definitely tell everyone the truth and The Connor Project would be discredited.  _ Me: Just don’t change the story please, okay? _

 

Jared replied instantly.  _ Jared Kleinman: Well, if you want me to redo this email, you’re going to have to wait until Monday, because I have plans all weekend with my camp friends. Or, as I like to call them, my real friends _

 

Jared had been saying that a lot recently. At first, it had really hurt Evan- despite the fact that Jared made it well known that he only talked to Evan because of his car insurance- but as time went on, it began to hurt less and less. 

 

_ Me: Yeah, actually, I think we’re good on the emails for now. We’re kind of focusing on bigger stuff. The orchard. Things like that _ Evan quickly wrote, taking a deep, deep breath and letting it out slowly, the annoyance melting out as he did. It was weird- he’d been having flashes of tightness and tension, which turned to anger or annoyance and then left as quickly as it had came, usually leaving him with shaking hands. But it was better than the old anxiety bearing down on him like a rabid dog, ready to tear out his throat with one wrong move. 

 

_ Jared Kleinman: Oh _

 

_ Jared Kleinman: Well, I can definitely do more with the Kickstarter. I mean, I am the treasurer _

 

To be honest, Evan hadn’t even thought of Jared helping them with the Kickstarter. He hadn’t thought that he would want too, so Evan and Alana had divided up the responsibilities. Jared hadn’t even crossed his mind. 

 

_ Me: I think Alana and I are pretty much set on that. I’ll let you know if I think of anything though _

 

_ Jared Kleinman: Got it _

 

_ Jared Kleinman: Hey, I bet Zoe’s happy that your cast is gone _

 

_Me: I guess?_ It seemed random, but nothing was random with Jared. Evan figured it was only a matter of time before Jared made it into a joke. Hell, that’s probably what this was. 

 

Evan sighed, the next message popping up on his screen.  _ Jared Kleinman: I mean, talk about killing the mood, right? Having to see your brother’s name written on your boyfriend’s arm all the time? _ Yup. It was all a joke to him. 

 

Evan started to write that he wasn’t her boyfriend, but the more he thought about it, he didn’t know what they were. They’d kissed before (twice, not including the time when Evan had kissed Zoe) and hung out a lot more than they had before. She’d been happy around him, always touching him and laughing, leaning against him. It was nice- really, really nice, but Evan had never had a boyfriend or girlfriend or anything like that so he didn’t know how to classify it. He didn’t even know if he was doing it right- whatever  _ it _ was.  _ Me: I don’t know what we are _

 

_ Jared Kleinman: Don’t even worry about it, bro. The only thing you should be worrying about right now is building that orchard for Connor. Because if there was one thing about Connor- the guy loved trees _

 

His stomach lurched and he shut his eyes, knowing exactly where this was going- down the same path Evan took himself down almost daily, wondering how long it would take before someone realized that two boys liking trees was unlikely. Especially since they weren’t gay.

 

_ Maybe it’d be more realistic that way _ , Evan found himself thinking desperately- although he wasn’t sure why he was desperate.   

 

_ Jared Kleinman: Or no wait- YOU love trees. That’s weird. Isn’t that weird? _

 

The door to Evan’s room began to slowly open, making Evan’s pulse skyrocket. He slammed his laptop shut- more so out of habit than anything else, except now… he actually did have something to hide. His mom had stepped inside, her eyes on Evan and his now shut laptop. He felt small looking up at her. “What are you up to?” She asked. 

 

“Nothing much.” Evan answered instantly, without thinking. Really, he was doing much- a  _ lot _ was happening over his computer. For the first time in his life, Evan felt as though he wasn’t invisible in the sea of comments, views, and likes. He was making something, doing something worthwhile. He was being heard in the ocean of voices that was almost impossible to shout above. But somehow, Evan fucking Hansen’s voice had risen above the rest. 

 

‘Nothing much’ was the second biggest lie he’d ever told. 

 

His mom shook her head before pointing almost accusingly at the silver laptop in Evan’s lap. “I feel like every time I come into your room, you shut your computer screen.” She said, her tone dropping dangerously close to angry.

 

Evan began to backtrack reflexively, doing what he did whenever he heard that tone with anyone. “Not really.” He pushed the laptop away from him, as if not having it near him would improve the situation. 

 

“I don’t know what you do on there that you don’t want me to see.” His mom had crossed her arms over her scrubs. 

 

“I was doing homework, Mom.” Evan blurted. Another lie. Lying had become second nature, especially to his mom. Lying was like a language- it took some time to get used to it, but in no time, you could speak it like a pro. Evan had somehow figured it out. 

 

It got quiet for a moment, an uncomfortable silence before his mom finally spoke again. “Do you have a minute?” Her tone was more so exhausted than angry now, but Evan knew that the angry voice could come back at any second. 

 

“Well, actually, I was about to go to Jared’s.” He said quickly, glancing over at the clock. It was 5:47 and he was supposed to be at the Murphy’s- not Jared’s- in 13 minutes for dinner. 

 

“Didn’t you go to Jared’s last night?” His mom raised an eyebrow. It was kind of funny- less than a month ago, she would have done anything to get Evan out of the house and over to Jared’s two nights in a row. Now, it seemed like she wanted him to stay.  

 

“Well, yeah, we’re doing a Spanish project together.” Evan took French. “We’re going to be working late again, though, so I’ll probably just stay over.” He stayed over at the Murphy’s a lot. It was easier to be there than it was to be home. It was like the more time that he spent in that house, the more non-lies he absorbed about Connor and then it would be easier and more realistic. 

 

“I saw the strangest thing on Facebook today.” His mom cut in as Evan stood up, grabbing his backpack off the floor and pulling it onto his bed so he could get ready to leave. 

 

“Oh really?” He said absently, trying to think of what he’d need so he could just leave and his mom wouldn’t have to be angry with him anymore. She could just go to class or to work and Evan could go on his own way. They could peacefully coexist, as they had done for years. 

 

His mom kept talking, although Evan really wasn’t listening. “There was a video from the, uh, something called… The Connor Project?” He heard those three words-  _ The Connor Project _ \- and Evan instantly froze, his heart and mind beginning to race in unison. “Have you heard of that?” His mom asked. Evan looked up, his chest suddenly tight- tight tight  _ tight _ \- and he met his mother’s cold, unreadable stare. “Because their website, it says that you’re the president.” She pointed at him with the  _ you’re _ , making him feel as though he’d been slapped across the face. 

 

“Co-president.” He found himself whispering, his chest getting tighter and tighter and tighter…  _ He’d told his mom that he didn’t know Connor, his mom would know he was lying, what if she told everyone?! What if his mom yelled at him, what if she disowned him or left him or kicked him out for good and Evan would have to live on the streets and pretend and _ -

 

“Uh huh.” His mom’s sharp words cut off his train of thought, stopping it as though the train had suddenly derailed. “Well, this was, it was a video of you doing a speech?” She said the word speech as if it weighed a million pounds, as if it was heavy and dark. “About that boy. Connor Murphy. How you climbed a tree together.”  

 

Evan looked up. His mom was staring at him, looking angry and… and Evan didn’t  _ know _ . He felt like he could always read his mom’s face because she was so open and so…  _ mom _ , but now he just, he couldn’t tell. He didn’t know - _ he didn’t know _ \- and that wasn’t good, it wasn’t good he  _ had _ to know- “I just, um… I don’t, um…” His palms felt damp. Sweaty. 

 

“You told me you didn’t know him.” She gestured at the computer beside Evan as it that represented Connor. Evan’s gripped his shirt tightly, wishing he had just left before she had gotten home- the Murphy’s wouldn’t have cared if he came over a few minutes early, it would have been  _ fine _ \- “That boy?” 

 

“I know. But-” Evan tried, but she cut him off. The way  _ everyone _ cut him off. “But then, in your speech, you said he was your best friend.” She said best friend slowly and the words hurt and Evan didn’t know why. 

 

“Well, because it wasn’t true. When I…” Evan blurted before meeting his mom’s eyes. The  _ when I said he was my best friend _ died on his tongue and suddenly realized how easy it would be to tell his mom. To come clean, to get all of this off of his chest… But he couldn’t. It wasn’t an option anymore- especially not now. Especially not to her.  _ Not like she would even care _ , a piece of him whispered. “When I said I didn’t know him.” 

 

“So you broke your arm with him? At an orchard?” Evan nodded and his mom nodded in response, almost sarcastically before meeting his eyes, looking angry.  _ Angry _ \- why was she angry?! What did she have to be angry about? “You told me you broke your arm at work. At the park.” 

 

It was stupid- this whole argument was  _ stupid _ . The fact that she was mad was stupid because why was she  _ mad _ that Evan had done something great, that he had helped people? That he had had a  _ friend _ ? 

 

He caught himself- because it  _ wasn’t real _ \- and shook his head, anger bubbling in his throat, the lies entwining into the real story, into what had really happened that day… “Who do you think drove me to the hospital? Who do you think waited with me in the emergency room for three hours?” His tone was rising and Evan didn’t care enough to steady it out, all of a sudden realizing the reason why he was suddenly so mad, why he always felt angry and exhausted and  _ done _ after conversation with his mom- the  _ real _ reason was that she didn’t care, that Evan was always the third thing on her mind after work and school and he was  _ sick of it _ . “You were at work, remember? I couldn’t even, you didn’t answer your phone.”

 

“You told me your boss took you to the hospital.” His mom said firmly, which made him even more mad because that wasn’t the  _ point _ . 

 

“Well, so, I lied, obviously.” Evan snapped back because why did it  _ matter _ who took him to the hospital?! The only thing that mattered was the fact that his mom hadn’t even known until his arm had already been set in a cast and all of the tears had been shed. His mom hadn’t even seen him  _ cry _ , hadn’t even known it had happened until 5 hours later. 

 

“When were you planning on telling me any of this? Or you weren’t?” She sounded outraged, as if the thought was insane. Evan hadn’t planned on telling her that- he hadn’t planned on her ever finding out any of this had happened- not about the Murphy’s or The Connor Project or, if he could have helped it, that stupid day in with the stupid tree. It wasn’t her business- she didn’t care enough about Evan as it was. Why was it that she always cared whenever something was wrong and not all the time, like when he felt  _ okay _ ? Why was it that she was just trying to fix him, trying to fix him as if he was  _ broken _ \- even with things that weren’t broken and were better off untouched?!

 

“When would I tell you, exactly? When are you even here?” He laughed- not nervously, but it definitely wasn’t a normal laugh either. 

 

Her eyes widened and she spread her arms out in a  _ hit me  _ gesture. “I’m here. Right now.” Her tone was flat. It made the nervous feeling in Evan’s stomach reappear, but he couldn’t stop himself from talking and thinking and being  _ angry _ because this had been happening for  _ years _ and it was all coming out now, it was all spilling out. 

 

“One night a week? Most people, their parents, they try to do a little bit better than that, just so you know.” Evan snapped bitterly, shoving his laptop into his bag as he looked away from his mom, his heart suddenly pounding. His hands were shaking, Evan suddenly noticed as he zipped up his backpack. 

 

“Isn’t that lucky for them.” His mom’s tone scared him more than anything- she was  _ mad _ . He hated making her mad, but she had made him mad first and he finally knew what a mother was supposed to be like and what they were supposed to do and what his mom was doing wasn’t it- it was the lazy way, the way that makes it clear that Evan wasn’t important to her. Cynthia at least had tried to check in with Connor and tried to make an effort. His mom didn’t even  _ try _ \- it was just “I’m off to work”, “I’m off to school”, “Take your meds, Evan”, “Write a letter to yourself, Evan”. It wasn’t real- Cynthia was  _ real _ . 

 

“I have to go to Jared’s.” Evan said, grabbing his backpack sleeve and turning to face his mom. 

 

She moved in front of the door, crossing her arms as she met Evan’s gaze and this time- this time he  _ wasn’t _ going to back down. “I don’t think I want you going out right now, actually.” 

  
“I told Jared I would be at his house ten minutes ago.” Evan’s voice sounded desperate- much more desperate than he felt. 

 

“All right, listen. I am missing class tonight so I can be here to talk to you, Evan. I would like you to please just talk to me.” She said firmly, her tone becoming slightly calmer- but that almost made it worse. 

 

Evan began talking without even thinking of what he was going to say- it was all just spilling out, unfiltered and at this point, Evan didn’t entirely care- but he did because he had to censor what he said so she wouldn’t think he was crazy or suddenly figure it out or… “Okay. I mean, I can’t just not do work for school because you decided to miss class. I can’t just stop everything whenever you decide it’s convenient for you.” His voice cracked a little, making him sound desperate again- was he desperate? Evan couldn’t tell. 

 

She stepped forwards suddenly, looking annoyed and angry. “I don’t understand what is going on with you.”

 

Evan’s heart leapt and he stepped back, shaking his head quickly. “Nothing is going on with me.” He lied, the words rolling off of his tongue easily, but inside it felt like he was dying, as if his heart was doing jumping jacks and punching him, trying to break out.  _ She was going to figure it out oh god she was going to _ -

 

“You’re standing up in front of the school and giving  _ speeches _ ?” She said speeches as if it was poisonous again, gesturing off to the side. Evan took another step back as she looked back at him, shaking her head. “You’re president of a group? I don’t know who that person is.” 

 

_ Not that you know me anyways,  _ Evan thought. His hands were shaking, he realized suddenly.  _ He  _ was shaking. “You’re making a big deal out of something that isn’t a big deal.” He said desperately-  _ feeling _ desperate now. 

 

“ _ What _ is going on with you?” She said what loudly, almost like she was yelling- oh god she was yelling Evan had fucked up he didn’t know how to do this, what was he supposed to do or say?! He couldn’t tell her- he couldn’t because she’d hate him. “You need to talk to me. You need to communicate with me-”

 

_ Funny _ . Evan thought, but it wasn’t an angry sarcastic. “Nothing is going on with me. I told you everything-”

 

She cut him off, loud and really yelling now as she stepped towards him, pointing a finger at his chest accusingly, as if Evan had done something wrong-  _ but he had he had he had _ … “I’m your  _ mother _ ! I’m your  _ mother _ .” Mother hung in the air, almost echoing. Evan couldn’t breathe- he felt like he was going to collapse and  _ fuck _ was he crying?! Evan hadn’t even realized it, but his eyes were wet and tears were slowing rolling down his face. 

 

His mom’s eyes were wide, her finger dropping instantly. “I’m sorry.” She all but whispered, reaching out as if to touch him but Evan flinched back because he didn’t  _ want _ her to touch him, he didn’t want to do  _ this _ , this wasn’t part of it, this wasn’t… “I was… I don’t know why I… I’m happy.” She settled with finally. It looked like her eyes were teary too, although Evan didn’t know what the  _ hell  _ she could be sad or happy about. Nothing about this past conversation was sad or happy. She spoke a moment later, the words biting into Evan’s skin like a knife. “I’m happy you had a friend, sweetheart. I’m just so sorry he’s gone. I wish I had known…” She took a deep breath before meeting Evan’s gaze again. “If you ever want to talk about it…” 

 

Evan cut her off, his voice soft and shaky. “I should go.” He mumbled, pulling his backpack up higher onto his shoulders. He felt faint and spacey and… and  _ terrified _ . He just had to make it to the Murphy’s- that’s all he had to do. He’d be okay there. They wouldn’t judge him there… 

 

She stepped forwards, not towards him but he flinched back again anyways. “You okay on refills?” She said, almost as if she was grasping at straws- trying to make him stay even though she’d just yelled at him and he had just fucked up and made her mad and Evan just wanted to  _ leave _ … 

 

“I’m not taking them anymore.” He said softly. He hadn’t touched them in almost a week and a half. And he felt good. 

 

“Oh?” His mom raised an eyebrow, setting down the bottle of his medication she had picked up. 

 

Evan shrugged, shoving his shaking hands into his pockets. “I haven’t needed them.” He said softly. He felt better now that he wasn’t taking them- it made him feel less wrong and less… broken. 

 

“Really?” His mom sounded astounded, as if the thought of Evan not depending on drugs was too crazy to conceive. “So, no anxiety or…?” Evan shook his head, although at the word  _ anxiety _ his pulse began to race. They usually didn’t refer to it as anxiety. It was more so the problem that they never named. Evan liked it better that way. “Even with everything that’s…?” She gestured around, as if gesturing towards Connor and The Connor Project and… all of that, but she didn’t even know half of it. 

 

Evan shrugged, although half-heartedly this time. He just wanted to go- he  _ needed _ to go. “I’ve been fine.” His voice was barely above a whisper now. He needed to go and leave  _ now _ before he freaked out in front of his mom, before he did something or said something wrong and she started yelling again because he couldn’t take her yelling at him again… 

 

“Well, great. That’s great.” She smiled widely, wiping at the dried tears on her cheeks. “It’s… I’m proud of you. I guess those letters to yourself must have really helped, huh?”

 

Evan felt like laughing- if he didn’t feel so trapped and claustrophobic inside himself, he might have had to work harder to not laugh. “I guess so.”

 

“Well.” His mom seemed satisfied now. As if the fact that Evan wasn’t taking his medication was enough to make her happy again, enough to have her ignore Connor and the Murphy’s and everything she’d just been yelling at him about. And Evan was grateful- so so grateful because it meant he could  _ leave _ … “Don’t stay up too late. It’s a school night.”

 

“I won’t.” Evan took that as his cue to leave and almost ran towards the door, away from his house, away from his untaken medication, away from his mom and her stupid version of him that she had to fix. 

 

Away from himself.

 

************************

  
  


_ All you gotta do _

_ Is just believe you can be who you wanna be _

_ Sincerely, _

_ Me _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yeet Evan is greattttt
> 
> ok so he's not taking his medication anymore and I'm trying to show that while also moving the story along and like idk if it's working but...? 
> 
> also take your medications- Evan is not a good role model  
> (also don't lie about being friends with a dead kid either)
> 
> also this is (mostly) edited but Im v tired so sorry for any mistakes I might have missed


	10. A Relationship

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Evan’s heart was racing. He felt angry- not at her, but at himself. How could he even think they had a serious chance? He was Evan fucking Hansen and she was Zoe Murphy. Evan Hansen and Zoe Murphy did not mix- they were not relationship material.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> is this fandom dead?
> 
> do I care nope here you go
> 
> warning- this is unedited

“Brooks Robinson. Jim Palmer.” Larry was pulling out baseball after baseball, signatures on the round surface. He pulled out one covered with signatures, holding it out to Evan. “Here’s the entire ‘96 team. Look at that.”

 

Evan didn’t know anything about baseball, but Larry seemed excited about it. He smiled a little, taking the baseball from him and observing the dozens of signatures. “Wow.” 

 

“You get the right people to come to an auction like this, baseball fans, I bet you could raise a thousand bucks for the orchard, easy.” Larry said offhandedly, looking over at Evan with expecting eyes. 

 

“No, it’s a great idea. I’m definitely going to talk to Alana about it.” Evan said, holding out the ball to Larry. He didn’t trust himself to hold something that could possibly get them a thousand dollars because, knowing Evan, he would drop it and the signatures would smudge or the ball would get dirty. 

 

Larry took the ball, smiling at him before setting it down on his desk. He started to rummage through the box of baseball stuff again, pulling out gloves and some baseball cards as well. “I swear, I have a Cal Ripken in here somewhere…” Evan had no idea who that was. He wondered if he was just stupid or if Cap Ripken was just an obscure player. Or maybe he was a famous manager or something. He really needed to learn more about baseball, especially if they ended up selling this stuff. It would be Evan’s luck that someone would come up and ask him something and Evan would have absolutely no idea how to answer and everyone would realize he was a fraud and then, once they realize that, it was only a matter of time before they realized that Evan hadn’t been Connor’s friend and-

 

He forced himself to take a deep breath, to try and push the anxious thoughts out of his head. Evan made himself let go of his shirt, which he had bunched up unknowingly again. “This is really generous of you. To donate all this stuff.” He added as Larry pulled out another ball, observing the signature on it.

 

Before Larry could answer, Zoe poked her head through the doorway. Evan’s heart leapt at the sight of her. Her eyes met his and she smiled a little before refocusing on her dad. “Mom says that your show is on and she doesn’t want to DVR it again.” 

 

Larry gestured to the baseball memorabilia all around the two of them. “Well, tell her we’re busy.”

 

She raised an eyebrow. “With what?” 

 

“Your dad had a good idea for the orchard. To do an auction.” Evan spoke up, smiling at her. 

 

“Evan’s helping me go through my collection here.” Larry finished, putting his hand on Evan’s shoulder. His heart leapt and he looked up at Larry, confused. No one ever did that with him- most people, as a general rule of thumb, avoided touching him at all cost, as if his social incapabilities and awkwardness was contagious. But there was something comforting in Larry’s touch- something Evan couldn’t identify. 

 

“Dad, are you torturing him?” Zoe asked, her eyes flicking between the two of them. 

  
Larry sounded confused. “What?”

 

Her attention turned to Evan. “Evan, is he torturing you?”

 

“No. What?” He shook his head, confused as well. He was enjoying this- he really was, even though Evan was clueless when it came to baseball or… or most sports. It more so just knowing that Larry was there, spending non-obligatory time with him. 

 

“You can tell him he’s being boring and you want to leave. He won’t be upset.” Zoe crossed her arms, leaning against the doorframe. 

 

Larry’s hand vanished from Evan’s shoulder and he gestured towards Zoe and the door. “He can leave whenever he wants.”

 

“I don’t want to leave.” Evan blurted quickly. He didn’t want Larry to think that he wasn’t enjoying spending time with him or that he wasn’t thankful for everything he was doing for him- for The Connor Project, he corrected. 

 

Zoe’s eyes locked onto Evan’s. “Evan, do you want to leave?”

 

“If you want to leave…” Larry turned to face him now and Evan’s heart leapt. 

 

“I don’t want to leave!” He blurted quickly, stepping further away from the doorway. And he didn’t- Evan really didn’t want to leave. It wasn’t one of the lies he made himself believe were true- it was the honest truth. It was kind of refreshing to believe that. 

 

“Okay.” Zoe stepped back, grabbing the door-handle. “Well. Don’t say I didn’t warn you…” She turned around, pushing the door closed behind her and leaving Larry and Evan alone yet again. 

 

The air felt thick and awkward suddenly. Did Larry think he wanted to leave? Did Evan not seem interested enough? “Women. Right?” Larry said finally, looking over at Evan. 

 

He was joking, Evan realized a second too late. He managed an awkward laugh. “I know…”

 

“So…” Larry cleared his throat, looking from Evan to the doorway where his daughter had just been. “You and Zoe…?”

 

Evan’s stomach dropped, his pulse suddenly picking up.  _ He doesn’t know what we are _ , Evan thought quickly, but the words wouldn’t come because how was he supposed to explain his relationship with Zoe Murphy to her  _ father _ when Evan didn’t understand anymore than he did? His eyes locked on a glove he had taken out of the box and some dull part of him realized he should change the subject  _ now _ before Larry bans Zoe from ever speaking to Evan again. He reached out suddenly, his movement jerky and suddenly as he grabbed the glove. “This glove is really cool. Wow.”

 

He could feel Larry’s eyes settle onto him again. Evan wasn’t sure what Larry was thinking, but when he spoke, his voice wasn’t angry or annoyed. “You feel how stiff the leather is?”

 

He bent the glove a little and, sure enough, the leather was very stiff. “For sure.” Evan nodded a little too eagerly.  _ Just nod and confirm _ , Jared’s voice appeared in his head, which was stupid because he wasn’t even lying- the leather really  _ was _ stiff… 

 

“Never been used.” Larry shrugged. Evan looked up at him, watching him gesture to the glove in his hand again. “You probably have your own glove at home, I’m sure…”

 

_ No.  _ Evan thought.  _ He played baseball for a total of one week, just to try to bond with dad. But he had been completely incompetent. He’d broke down in the middle of a practice after getting hit with the ball after failing to catch it and his mom had pulled him out almost immediately.  _ “Oh. Uh. Somewhere. I don’t know if it fits anymore. It’s been a while.” He lied instinctively, guilt bubbling in his stomach.  _ What’s wrong with him?! Why does he keep lying about the stupidest things?! _

 

Larry fell silent for a moment and Evan’s heart thought because he  _ knew _ Evan was lying and if he could tell now, then he’d figure it out- “You know what? Why don’t you take this one?” 

 

For a moment, Evan wasn’t sure if he had heard Larry right, but then it hit yet- him- because Larry was holding out the baseball glove. Evan shook his head awkwardly. “Oh. No. I couldn’t.”

 

“Why not? Because, it sounds like, I mean, if you need a new glove anyway…”  _ It’s not like he’s going to use it _ . Evan thought, his eyes focused on the baseball glove as Larry continued to try to give it to him. “This one is just going to sit here, collecting dust.” The elder added. 

 

He seemed to really want to give Evan the glove. It would be rude not to accept it… Evan rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, hesitantly meeting Larry’s gaze. “Are you sure?” 

 

Larry gave Evan a sort of  _ yeah, sure, whatever _ look. “I bought this glove for a Christmas or Birthday present a long time ago. Maybe I thought we could play catch or… I dunno…” He gave a sad shrug and it hit Evan that the glove in Larry’s hand had originally belonged to Connor. And now… he was trying to give it to Evan. “But he left it in the bag with the tag still on…” 

 

Evan didn’t know what to say. He didn’t know what he  _ could _ say. Nothing seemed right- well, nothing ever seemed right, but this especially. How could Evan accept this, even if Connor had never once used it? It had still been his and it didn’t seem right- Evan couldn’t take something that was Connor’s. He couldn’t- he just couldn’t. Larry spoke again a few awkward moments later. “You’ll have to break it in though, first. You can’t catch anything with it that stiff.”

 

“How do you break it in?” Evan asked, glad to have a real question. Even if he knew he would never use it, it might give him something to focus on- other than the constant flashes of panic that gave way to annoyance and later to even more panic. Having something to focus on helped- like a baseball glove to break in, or a box of old stuff to look through… He felt okay. He did- he really felt okay. Which was good. 

 

Larry looked up from the baseball glove in his hands. “Your dad never taught you have to break in a baseball glove?”

 

Evan almost flinched because  _ his dad had left him when he realized how stupid he was. Not like he was really around much before. It was all Evan’s fault though- really, it was his fault his dad left, his fault his mom’s heart got broken, his fault that Connor Murphy was dead… Everything was because of Evan _ . “I guess not.” His voice was soft. 

 

Another awkward moment of silence before Larry started to talk again, looking back down at the glove in his hands. “It’s a pretty precice process. I mean, the real way to break in a glove anyways- not the way most other people do, this- this is professional. What you need… is shaving cream.”

 

“Shaving cream?”

 

“Oh yeah.” Larry grinned, picking up a can of shaving cream from the box as well- an unfinished project, Evan realized. Something he wanted to do with his son but never got the chance to and never will again.  _ Now he’s getting a chance with him _ , Evan’s stomach dropped at the thought. “You rub that in for about five minutes. Then you tie it all up with rubber bands, put it under your mattress, and sleep on it. And then the next day, you repeat. And you’ve got to do it for at least a week. Every day. Consistent. And it isn’t easy, believe me. But it’ll all pay off in the end. All you need is patience, a little time, perseverance, and the willing to climb a little uphill. You’ve got to stick it out. It is the hard way, but it’s the  _ right way _ to do it.” Larry waved his hand slightly, setting down both the glove and the can of shaving cream on his desk as he continued to talk. “Nowadays, with your generation, I hate to say it, but it’s all about instant gratification. Who wants to read a book when you can read the Facebook instead?” 

 

“Totally…” Evan felt guilty, which was ridiculous because he didn’t even spend that much time on social media. He didn’t have many friends, so it didn’t matter anyways. He didn’t have a Snapchat. He only had a Facebook with pictures of him taken by his mom and an Instagram with no posts. Anyways, it was too stressful. Sometimes Evan thought about posting a picture, but then he realized he had almost 30 followers- all of which had been pity followings from those who somehow found out he had an instagram and a few accounts advertising free followers. No one would like the picture- he knew no one would, because why would they?- and so Evan just never posted anything. He wasn’t even sure if he still had the app on his phone. 

 

Another awkward moment of silence. Larry gestured towards the glove on the table, along with the shaving cream and the little bag of rubber bands that Evan hadn’t noticed before. “With something like this, you have to be ready to put in the work. Make the commitment.” Larry held it out towards him. “So what do you think?”

 

Evan took the glove without thinking. “I mean, definitely.” Larry squirted some of the shaving cream into Evan’s hand and directed him as he started to massage it into the stiff leather of the glove. It was… nice. Evan didn’t want to admit it, but it was really nice. 

 

_ And a lie. Larry’s only doing this because he thinks that Connor was his friend. Honestly, he probably doesn’t even like Evan. It’s just pity- pity because his ‘best friend’ killed himself and there’s obviously something wrong with Evan. He can’t just kick him out, it probably seems wrong.  _ Evan forced himself to take a deep breath. He was rubbing the shaving cream so hard it hurt the hand the glove was on. 

 

He felt a sudden urge to prove himself worthy, to… not just stand and listen. To say something. Evan looked up at Larry, opening his mouth but what he saw surprised himself. The man was lost in thought, his eyes trained on the glove in Evan’s hand, at Evan’s rotating hand as he pressed and worked the cream into the leather. He looked… upset. Evan wasn’t sure why. He found himself talking anyways. “Connor was really lucky. To have a dad that…”  _ To just have a dad in general _ . “A dad who cared so much. About… taking care of stuff.” He finished, his throat suddenly feeling raw. He wasn’t sure why, but suddenly he felt like crying- he felt as close to crying as Larry looked. 

 

Larry looked up at Evan, who desperately tried to disguise his emotions. “Your dad must feel pretty lucky to have a son like you.”

  
“Yeah, he does.” One of the biggest lies he’d ever told. His chest tensed and he looked down at the glove, disgusted that he’d lie about that. That he’d lie in general- why the hell couldn’t he stop  _ lying _ ?! It was ridiculous- everything was so ridiculous. Evan was so pathetic- he couldn’t even tell the truth about simple things, like the fact that his dad abandoned him and his mother because Evan couldn’t do things like play baseball or speak without stuttering or talk in front of people or  _ make friends _ . 

 

“Good…” Larry said. Evan barely heard him over the rushing in his head, but somehow he registered his words. “Well. If you want to go catch up with Zoe.”

 

Evan nodded slightly, stepping away before stopping. His chest physically hurt- he was so disgusted and  _ angry _ with himself. Why couldn’t he just be  _ normal _ ?! None of this would have happened if he was just  _ normal _ . “I don’t know why I said that.” Evan blurted, his words coming out faster than he could think- which was never good. “About my dad. It’s not true. My parents got divorced when I was seven. My dad moved to Colorado. He and my step-mom, they have their own kids now. So. That’s sort of his priority.” He forced himself to stop talking before he said something else important like-  _ I didn’t know your son _ . 

 

Goddammit, why couldn’t Evan just be like any other kid?! Why couldn’t he not reflexively lie around every corner, make everything about him- why couldn’t he for  _ once _ , just have a normal conversation that didn’t end with Evan walking away hating himself even more and more for everything he’d said?

 

Larry stepped forwards, handing the glove, shaving cream, and bag of rubber bands back to Evan. He hadn’t even realized he hadn’t been holding the glove anymore. “Shaving cream. Rubber bands. Mattress. Repeat. Got it?”

 

He would do this. Just to prove he could do  _ something _ normal. “Got it.” 

 

Larry smiled a little, patting Evan’s shoulder. “You’re good to go.” 

 

********************

 

“So when does your mom get off work?” Zoe asked as Evan opened the door to his room. Zoe had wanted to come over to his house, which freaked him out to no end because he couldn’t even remember what state he’d left his room in, let alone how the rest of the house looked. The only reason he had said yes was because his mom wasn’t going to be there- and she didn’t know about Zoe and she  _ couldn’t _ because she’d make it a big deal and buy him condoms and- and because she had asked him in person. He was too awkward and… scared of ruining everything to say no. 

 

“She has class Sunday nights, so she won’t be home for another few hours.” Evan explained, pulling at his shirt as Zoe stepped inside, observing his room. It was weird- she had never seen the walls that confined Evan, that almost drove him crazy. Never seen his bed, which he’d spent hours laying in, staring at the ceiling and wondering… how the world would look from all the way up there. Wondering if Zoe Murphy would ever even notice he existed.

 

Now Zoe Murphy was in his room. The thought terrified him to no end. 

 

She turned to face him, her eyes meeting his and causing his heart to skip a beat- from fear or… or love, he wasn’t sure. “We have the whole house to ourselves?” She asked, as if the idea were foreign to her. 

 

“You know it.” That made it sound bad. Like Evan was plotting something- or that he wanted to have sex. He’d never even… well, what guy didn’t think about it? Asexuals, obviously, but Evan wasn’t asexual- he’d thought about it. It terrified him, yes, but most things did. And either way, it’s not like anyone would… would want him that way. Or even see him that way. Part of him was relieved, but the rest of him just wanted to feel normal. 

 

That’s all he ever wanted. 

 

“We should throw a kegger.” Zoe said, glancing around his room again as if unsure of what to do. 

 

“We should totally throw a kegger. For sure.” Evan smiled a little bit, feeling jittery and shaky. He wasn’t sure why. 

 

Zoe’s expression grew into a grin too.“Until your mom comes home.”

 

“In three hours.” Both of their smiles widened and Evan’s stomach flipped again, sinking down to his stomach as more words fell out of his mouth. “Thank you for, um, for coming.”

 

“You realize, I’ve been asking to come to your house for, like, weeks, and every time you’ve immediately said no.” She said, which made it sound like Evan had something to hide- but in a way, he did. Not just… Connor, but this house wasn’t the Murphy’s. It wasn’t big or grand or expensive. It was… sad, compared to her house. It had leaks sometimes and the downstairs bathroom sink broke often and it was a part of Evan that only Jared really knew about. But Jared had probably forgotten- most people forgot things like that, especially when they were about people like Evan. 

 

“I know.” Evan made himself smile a little more, stepping closer to Zoe. He wasn’t sure if it was the right thing to do, but it felt natural. She was welcome- she really was. It was just… scary. “Which is why I appreciate that you’re here now.”

 

Zoe smiled a little back. Her eyes locked on something on his desk and she wandered over towards them. Evan realized there was a stack of papers on the top and his heart stopped for a moment-  _ are they emails _ ?! “What are all these?”

 

Evan moved as fast as he could and was relieved when he realized what they were, and then equally horrified. “Oh. Those are, my mom is obsessed with these college scholarship essay contests she found online. She keeps printing out more of them.” He stuffed them all into a desk drawer, his stomach bubbling uncomfortably. 

 

“There are so many.” Zoe added, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear.

 

“Yeah. I know. I mean, I’d have to win probably a hundred of them to actually pay for college. When you add it all up. Tuition, housing, books…” Evan was rambling about things that didn’t matter. Well, they did matter, but not to Zoe. They weren’t things that mattered to  _ Zoe _ . 

 

“Your parents, they can’t…?” She prompted. The question made him feel slightly sick. 

 

“Not really.” His gaze fell to the floor. 

 

She stepped closer to him. Evan could see her blue converse down by his New Balance sneakers. Her hand was inches from his. He could have reached out and touched it if he wanted. “I’m sorry.” She sounded sorry. 

 

Which was silly because her brother had just died. She shouldn’t be sorry about something as stupid as Evan’s family having trouble paying for college. Or… paying in general. 

 

He was desperate the change the subject. His mind latched onto the only thing he seemed to know how to talk about. “Well, hey, I meant to tell you before, we had a meeting with The Connor Project a few days ago and I think we have a really great strategy for raising more money for the orchard.”

 

Zoe stiffened slightly and she stepped back from him. “We, um… can we talk?”

 

_ She’s breaking up with him _ . The thought hit him like a train. “Oh. Shit.” His voice faltered. He’d known this would happen- there was no way it wouldn’t. After all, Evan was just…  _ him _ and she was Zoe Murphy. He was a lying scumbag and she was  _ Zoe Murphy _ . 

 

“What?” She seemed confused. 

 

“No. Just. You’re breaking up with me, right? That’s why you came over.” Evan’s heart was racing. He felt angry- not at her, but at himself. How could he even think they had a serious chance? He was  _ Evan fucking Hansen _ and she was Zoe Murphy. Evan Hansen and Zoe Murphy did not mix- they were  _ not _ relationship material. Or, specifically,  _ Evan  _ wasn’t relationship material. 

 

“Breaking up with you?” Zoe sounded… Evan didn’t quite know. Surprised? Annoyed?

 

Words kept spilling from his mouth, the anger behind them not intended for Zoe- but for himself because he  _ deserved _ it- but he couldn’t stop himself from speaking, from  _ talking _ . Why couldn’t he just be fucking  _ normal _ ?! “God. Like, how presumptuous can I get? I don’t even know if we’re, like, dating officially or whatever, which isn’t even… never mind, why am I even talking right now?” Why was he even talking  _ ever _ ?! “It’s fine. Don’t worry, you can tell me, I’m not going to  _ cry _ or start breaking things or-”

 

She cut him off, grabbing his hands. Evan hadn’t realized it, but his hands had been shaking and his breathing had gotten a little faster. “I’m not breaking up with you.”

 

For a second, the words didn’t register. And then they did-  _ and Evan had been having a meltdown for no reason _ . “Oh. Well. Okay. Thank you.” He managed, squeezing her hands awkward before letting go. 

 

Zoe smiled a little, raising her eyebrows. “Don’t mention it.”

 

“That’s really great news…” Evan sounded pathetic. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, hating himself for being so damn pathetic and stupid when everything fine. Zoe wasn’t breaking up with him. She  _ wasn’t _ ! He had every reason in the world to be happy, and yet he was freaking out and overreacting over the littlest, stupidest thing. 

 

“It’s just, The Connor Project…” Zoe stepped back, her eyes on Evan as he continued to talk. “I mean, it’s great. But maybe we don’t have to talk about my brother all the time. Maybe we can talk about… other things.” She added, shrugging slightly. 

 

“I just thought maybe you’d want to know.” Evan’s voice was soft. 

 

“No, I know you did, but it’s just…” She sighed. Evan couldn’t take his eyes off of her as she spoke. He wasn’t sure what the feeling in his chest was- panic, fear, admiration, love, or a combination of all of them- but it was painful and made him feel slightly light-headed. “My whole life, everything has always been about Connor. And right now, I just want… I need something just for me. If this is going to be a… relationship” Evan’s heart dropped and then soared, “I don’t want it to be about my brother. Or the orchard. Or the emails. I just want…” Her eyes met his and she smiled a little, reaching out for his hand. “I want you.” 

 

For a moment, Evan didn’t know what to do. Her words rang out in his head over and over again-  _ “I want you” _ \- but it didn’t make them make any more sense. No one ever wanted him- he was Evan Hansen, socially anxious loser who fell out of a tree. And she was Zoe Murphy, badass guitar soloist in the jazzband, beautiful and confident and… amazing. She deserved everything- and yet, she wanted Evan Hansen. 

 

His heart suddenly felt full. He looked up, his eyes on hers. She smiled a little wider as Evan reached out to take Zoe’s hand. 

 

********************

 

_ So what if it’s us? _

_ What if it’s us and only us? _

_ And what came before won’t count anymore or matter, _

_ Can we try that? _

 

_ What if it’s you? _

_ What if it’s me? _

_ What if that’s all that we need it to be? _

_ And the rest of the world falls away, _

_ What do you say? _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hEY ITS BEEN LIKE 6 MONTHS WHOOPS
> 
> So I'm actually almost done writing this- I only need to write one more chapter because I started at the end originally so I have that all done! So this'll be done sometime before the end of the year (hopefully). The next chapter will be l o n g though
> 
> Update- Evan is great, you can tell he's really doing very well  
> (I read the book cause I got early access to it and o shit its so much better than this all y'all are in for a treat in October)
> 
> Anyways, I hope this was okay I forgot how to write there for a long time
> 
> Thank you for reading!!!!


	11. What He Had Done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “By lying to them?” Evan flinched at Connor’s voice. “They’re trying to do something really nice for you, Hansen. And in return you’re lying to them, just like you’re lying to every other fucking person in your life? Aren’t you tired of lying?”
> 
> Evan resisted the urge to scream yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> warning: no proof-reads AND this was written on my phone so I’m not sure if autocorrect was a bitch or not
> 
> Also this is a LONGING
> 
> TW for suicidal thoughts, serious depressive episode, anxiety

Alana confronted Evan the second he stepped onto school property, walking beside him as he headed towards the school building. Her arms were crossed and she looked upset. “Where were you last night? I waited in the senior parking lot for twenty-three minutes.”

 

 _Postcards_ \- Guilt slapped Evan in the face and his steps faltered. “Oh shit. I completely forgot…” He ran a hand through his hair. He and Alana had supposed to hand out postcards advertising the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard. And he’d spent the entire afternoon and night talking and hanging out with Zoe instead.

“Don’t worry, I went downtown and handed out the postcards without you.” Alana huffed, sounding annoyed.

 

“I’m really sorry. I must have put the wrong date in my phone…” He did really feel sorry, but also- wasn’t he allowed to have a life outside of The Connor Project? Granted, he needed to balance it out more and Evan had no experience balancing out two things as important as this, but… he’d been with Zoe and that, for right now, seemed more important.

 

“What is your deal, Evan?” Alana demanded as they got to Evan’s locker. The words felt sharp in Evan’s chest, but he ignored it and popped open his locker. She kept going on, “The Kickstarter deadline is a week from now and I feel like you are just a thousand miles away. You haven’t made any new videos.You haven’t posted on the blog in like forever…”

 

“Well, I was…” _Hanging out with my_ girlfriend _Zoe Murphy_. They’d agreed to go public, but somehow Evan couldn’t find the words- he’d just mess it up anyways, he’d say it wrong and make it sound wrong. So he went with the safer option. “I’ve been busy.”

 

“Busy with what?” Alana demanded.

 

Evan was caught off guard, recalling wen Zoe had said the same words to him… a month ago? Had so much really changed in so little time? “Just… different stuff. How much money do we have left to raise?” He changed the subject abruptly, in the way Evan did best.

 

“Oh. Not much. Just seventeen-thousand dollars.” Alana’s wide eyes met his as she leaned forwards, expecting something from Evan- maybe a _Oh my god, I’ll drop everything important in my life and fix this right away_! But Evan wasn’t a pushover. He had things happening in his life too! Good things, things that were better than anything he’d ever had before. They were important too and Evan shouldn’t be expected to just throw aside his personal life at Alana’s request.

 

“I’m sure we’ll get there.” Evan said offhandedly, pulling out books from his locker. “We just need to, you know, keep people engaged.”

 

Surprisingly, Alana agreed. “Exactly. That’s why I’m putting the emails between you and Connor online.”

 

Evan shut his locker and it seemed to slam at the exact moment that her words registered in his mind- _the emails between you and Connor online_ . “What do you mean?” Maybe he’d misunderstood? They _couldn’t_ put the letters online. No, they were… they couldn’t.

 

“Mrs. Murphy sent them to me. She said, there are a ton more, too. That you, like, show her a new one every week.” Alana explained and Evan felt sick. One more person had seen them- seen his _lies_. She’d read them and she wanted others to read them too, she wanted them to post every single character that Evan and Jared had typed onto The Connor Project page.

 

“Well…” Evan’s chest felt tight and for a moment, he struggled to speak. “But they’re not, those conversations are really, they’re private.”

 

“Um, not anymore.” She said, as if it were obvious and Evan was just being stupid. He was- he was being stupid, he was stupid to ever think this would work. “They belong to everyone now. I mean, that’s the whole point. The more private they are, the better. That’s what people want to see. We have a responsibility to our community to show them everything, to tell them the truth.”

 

The words pushed aside the anxiety churning in his stomach, replacing it with… anger. “Our _‘community’_?”

 

“I’m sending you a list of questions to answer, because some of the emails don’t make sense.” Alana added.

 

Evan’s heart stopped. “What?” _Shit. What doesn’t make sense?! Why?! Why did I_ ever _think this was a good idea_?!

 

“Well, like, you’ve been telling everyone that the first time you went to the orchard was the day you broke your arm. But then in other emails, you talk about going there together since, like, last November…” Alana explained and suddenly, Evan realized that she was right. He wasn’t being careful- _shit_. The emails had started to feel like an assignment, one that Evan was starting to almost half-ass.

 

The anger bubbled in his stomach, mixing with his anxiety. He was shaking- his hands were shaking. Evan forced them into his pockets. _Idiot idiot idiot_ idiot! “Well, that’s because, I mean, those are probably just typos, and it sounds like you’re reading into them, like, way too much…” He was saying, clenching his hands into fists inside his pockets, trying to ground himself.

 

Alana put it off as nothing, as if she wasn’t going to crumble Evan’s world with a push of a button. She didn’t _understand_ \- how could she?! “You can explain it all when I send you the questions. You know how much the community loves to hear from you.” She added before walking off, a skip in her step.

 

Evan’s gaze followed her, watching as she looked almost… almost _happy_ . How could she possibly be happy?! Why didn’t she just _understand_ ?! Even if the letters were real, authentic- why the hell would she put them online?! Didn’t she understand _privacy_ and how they were special?! How they were meant for Evan and Connor’s eyes only?!

 

Jared’s voice broke through his thoughts, causing his heartto race even more. “Hey, so my parents are out of town this weekend. The last time they used the liquor cabinet was, like, Rosh Hashanah 1997, so we can drink whatever we want.”

 

“I can’t this weekend. I have seventeen thousand dollars to raise.” Evan forced his eyes away from Alana, onto his… onto Jared’s face. He looked confused, which pissed Evan off even more- he hadn’t done anything to help, it had all been on him and Alana. He thought it was all a big joke but it _wasn’t,_ it had purpose, it was important, even if it wasn’t real. “Remember The Connor Project? You’re supposed to be working on this?”

 

Jared raised his eyebrows, looking almost offended. “Uh, remember you told me you didn’t need my help?”

 

“I didn’t tell you to do nothing. I know you think this is all a joke but it isn’t. It’s important.” Evan explained. His nails were digging into the palm of his hand so hard he was sure there were going to be indents. He couldn’t… _breathe_ \- why was this happening now, why couldn’t he just have one peaceful week without _something_ happening that sent his spiraling into oblivion, hating himself for what he did and what he’s continuing to do because he _can’t stop_?!

 

“For Connor.” Jared answered monotonously.

 

“Yeah.” Evan gave a curt nod, forcing himself to take a deep a breath as he could without looking like a complete idiot, like he was hyperventilating because then Jared would make fun of him and ask _“do you need a paper bag?”_ which wasn’t funny and would just make it worse and-

 

Jared crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow at Evan. “You know, when you really stop and think about it, Connor being dead, that’s pretty much the best thing that ever happened to you, isn’t it?”

 

His heart stopped at Jared’s words. “That’s a horrible thing to say!” Evan hissed.

 

“Well, but, no, think about it.” Jared was… was _smirking_ , as if this was _funny_ ! As if _anything about this was funny_ ! “If Connor hadn’t died, no one would even know who you are. I mean, people at school actually _talk_ to you You’re almost… _popular_ . Which is just, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles.” He scoffed, which made Evan angry. That’s wasn’t the reason any of this had happened! Jared just didn’t understand, it was all a big joke to him. _Everything_ was a joke to Jared, even Evan himself.

 

Makes sense, since Evan _is_ a joke.

 

Pointlessly (because Jared wouldn’t listen and Evan _knew_ that, so why was he wasting his breath and Jared’s oh-so-precious time?!), Evan found himself protesting. “I don’t care about any of that. I don’t care if people at school know who I am. All I wanted was to h-”

 

He was cut off. “Help the Murphys. Yeah. I know. You keep saying that.” Jared’s stare seemed to cut into Evan’s heart, so cold and piercing that he barely even registered that Zoe had walked up beside him.

 

“Hey Jared.” She said sweetly, smiling at Jared before turning to Evan, her beautiful eyes glinting before her fingers laced with his and she pressed her lips against his own.

 

Most of him wanted to scream. The rest of him wanted to enjoy the fact that _Zoe Murphy_ was kissing him at _school_. She was announcing to the entire student body that… that she and Evan were together.

 

And it terrified him.

 

Zoe pulled back, her hand still in Evan’s as she looked out to Jared, almost for approval. His face was unreadable. “Look at you.” Jared said monotonously, his stare still stabbing Evan in the chest. “Helping the Murphys.” He shook his head, walking away, leaving Zoe and Evan alone- or as alone as they could be in a crowded hallway. When had it filled with people?! Dread filled Evan’s stomach. How many had seen he and Zoe kissing- how would they react?! Had they overhead Jared’s harsh words?! Had… oh _god_ , Evan felt nauseous. Too much was happening all at once, it wasn’t even 8am yet…

 

Zoe turned to look at him, confused. “What was that?”

 

Evan tried to cover it up, tried to cover up how _scared_ he was with a smile. “It’s nothing…” He felt like he might combust- and he couldn’t combust near Zoe. He had to leave while he still could, while she didn’t hate him. If she hated him, Evan didn’t know what he’d do. “I need to go to class. I’ll talk to you later, okay?” Evan quickly hurried away before she could answer, leaving his confused girlfriend- his stomach dropped at the thought- behind.

 

********************

 

Heidi Hansen was sitting in the Murphy’s living room, a glass of wine in her hand. His _mom_ was… was right there. She wasn’t even in scrubs, she looked more put-together than Evan had seen in what felt like years. Their eyes locked and suddenly, Evan was frozen and unable to move on his own, his hand stuck to Zoe’s as she dragged him towards his mom- towards his _mom_ -

 

Cynthia spoke, her words soft and yet somehow harsh and biting, ringing in Evan’s head like a bell. “We invited your mom to come join us for dinner tonight.” She smiled politely at Evan before looking down at his mother, who seemed as confused as Evan felt.

 

“Oh.” Was the only thing Evan could manage to say. Zoe had let go of his hand and so Evan was frozen in place, his limbs stiff, his palms sweating, his entire being… _frozen_.

 

“I didn’t realize Evan was…” His mom’s eyes turned to Evan, addressing him now instead of the Murphy’s, “that you were joining us too.”

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think to tell you.” Cynthia responded instead, so Evan didn’t have to. He was _so_ grateful he didn’t have to because he didn’t know what he’d say, what would come out of his stupid _stupid_ mouth.

 

His mom would know. She would know he was lying. Somehow, she would know. They’d get to talking- his family and Zoe’s- and they’d unravel the mystery, the secrets and lies that wove Evan so tightly into their lives. They’d pull at strings until it unraveled and unraveled and unraveled-

 

“Hi, I’m Zoe.” Her hand was stuck out towards Evan’s mother. He wasn’t sure why, but he could barely watch. “It’s so nice to meet you. Finally.”

 

Confusion flooded his mother’s voice as she took Zoe’s hand- the one Evan had been holding just a few moments ago- and shook it. “Oh. Good.”

 

Suddenly, Evan could move. He stepped forwards and pulled Zoe away from his mother, as if he could save her from the inevitable casualties. “Did you know about this?” He asked, sounding panicked even though Evan desperately didn’t want to sound panicked.

 

“It was my idea.” Zoe answered. It was almost like she didn’t pick up on it, on the anxiety flooding through Evan’s veins, on the terror piercing his heart, on the heavy weight on his shoulders oh _god_ -

 

His two worlds were colliding suddenly and Evan didn’t know what to do, he didn’t, he didn’t know what to _do_ -

 

“Why don’t you guys come sit down?” Larry offered. Zoe walked over and sat down on the couch, near Evan’s mother. Evan didn’t think he could walk that far, so he all but fell into the chair closest to him.

 

For a moment, silence filled the space between them and Evan went to fill it without thinking of how his voice would probably be shaking, too quiet- he was shaking, his hands were shaking and he was digging into his palms again- “I thought you had work tonight.”

 

His mom’s eyes were… were cold. Dangerous, almost- they _scared_ him. He didn’t know what would happen and that terrified him most of all- everything seemed so out of control lately and Evan didn’t know how to grab the reigns and fix it- god he just wanted to _fix it_...“Well, this seemed mort important. So. I’m playing hooky.” His Mom even offered a small smile.

 

“We were just talking about how sneaky you and Connor were.” Cynthia flashed Evan one of her smiles. It somehow made him feel even worse. “Top secret.”

 

Evan was desperate to change the subject. “Something smells good.”

 

“Chicken Milanese.” Cynthia smiled at him. It made Evan feel sick to think about eating.

 

“I didn’t realize you were spending so much time here.” The subject returned to the elephant in the room, at least to the Hansen’s. Evan off-handedly wondered if the Murphy’s could sense the tension. He hoped not but he wasn’t sure it was possibly- it was so thick that it was flooding Evan’s airways, clogging up his throat. He couldn’t _breathe_.

 

“You’ve been working a lot.” His voice was soft.

 

“Why did I think you were at Jared’s?” She asked, her words like a dagger.

 

“I don’t know.” Evan really didn’t know.

 

Cynthia’s eyes widened with concern, turning to Evan as she spoke. “Oh but Evan, you call and tell your mother when you’re staying the night, right?”

 

 _No. She didn’t know about this until less than a week ago. She doesn’t know about a lot of things because she doesn’t care._ “Of course.”

 

“You can rest assured we take very good care of him.” Larry smiled in the Larry-Murphy way, making Evan’s insides twist even more. “We’ve got, he has a toothbrush, so we’re not sending him to bed with cavities.”

 

Because that was the problem.

 

“How nice.” His Mom gave him a fake-smile, the fakest of smiles- the fakest smile Evan had ever seen, which was saying a lot because he had seen so many fake smiles in his life he couldn’t even count.

 

“Evan was showing me all of those scholarship contests that you found.” Zoe offered, trying to make conversation but it just _hurt_ \- they felt private, the essay’s, and Evan wasn’t sure if his mom wanted them to be shared, Evan didn’t know anything anymore- he was so _scared_ … “That was really impressive. There are, like, a million.”

 

“Well, Evan is a great writer.” His Mom answered. Her grip on the wine glass was unbelievably tight.

 

Larry smiled, looking down at Evan with… with _praise_. “I don’t find that hard to believe at all.”

 

 _You don’t know the half of it_.

 

“His teacher last year for English said he wrote one of the best papers she’d ever read about _Sulu_ .” His Mom sounded like she was bragging, which was ridiculous because she never bragged about Evan- what was there to brag about- and she didn’t even say the name right. It’s Sula, not Sulu. For some reason, that fact made him angry- which he _hated_ , which just made him scared, which cycled back around.

 

“How about that.” Cynthia smiled.

 

“It’s _Sula_ .” He had spoken, Evan realized suddenly. Why had he opened his _mouth_?! Everything was so much simpler when Evan just didn’t speak.

 

“What did I say?” His mom asked, the smile still plastered on his face, although it was growing dimmer with every waking second.

 

He could barely make himself speak. “ _Sulu_.”

 

“ _Sulu_ is a character on _Star Trek_ , I believe…” Larry gave a little laugh, which was followed by the women. It felt forced- it all felt forced.

 

“My mistake.” His mom looked down hard at the wine in her glass, taking a small sip. Evan’s heart was racing, going so fast he wasn’t sure how it hadn’t leapt out of his chest yet.

 

“Speaking of scholarships…” Zoe looked up at her parents and, even though Evan had no idea what she was talking about, dread filled his stomach yet again because _this couldn’t be good_ -

 

“I guess now is as good a time as any.” Larry looked at his wife, placing a gently hand on her shoulder. “Cynthia, do you want to…?”

  
She nodded before looking at Evan’s Mom. “Well. Zoe happened to mention to us the other day that Evan was having some difficulty in terms of… the financial burdens of college.” Evan’s stomach dropped. _Oh god_ \- Even though she wasn’t looking at him, Evan could feel his mother’s stare, burning a hole into him. _Oh god oh god oh god_ \- “And Larry and I started thinking about it. And we were very fortunate to have been able to set asdie some money for our son…” Her voice broke slightly and Larry’s grip tightened, but Cynthia held out a hand, smiling just a little bit. “I’m okay, I’m okay…” She re-composed herself before looking back at Evan’s mother. “I called you this morning to invite you to come join us for dinner tonight because… well, first of all, because we want to thank you for allowing your son to have come into our lives. He was a dear, dear, friend to our Connor, and we have come to just love him to pieces.” What should have been a compliment felt like an attack. Evan knew where this was going- he couldn’t believe it was happening. This _couldnt_ be happening… “And with your blessing, we would like to give Evan the money we put away for our son so that he can use it to fulfill his dreams, just like he helped Connor fulfill his.”

 

“What do you think?” Larry finished.

 

All eyes turned to Evan’s mother, who had suddenly turned unreadable. “Wow. I’m, that is… I don’t know what to say. I’m…” She was truly speechless. Evan didn’t know what to say either. Once again, like the useless _shit_ that he was, Evan found himself frozen, staring.

 

On the outside, desperately looking in at the scene in front of him- at his family, at the two worlds colliding. They were going to explode. Evan _knew_ they were going to explode. It was just a matter of time…

 

The Murphy’s has each said something else that Evan hadn’t registered. His heartbeat had reached his ears, throbbing so loudly that he barely heard his mother’s icy words. “Well, thank you so mcuh, but… we’re going to be fine. I don’t have a lot of money, but I do have some.”

 

Cynthia’s eyes widened and she attempted to backtrack. “Oh we didn’t mean-”

 

“No, no, I understand, I’m just, we do have money.” His Mom thrust a hand towards Evan. He flinched back, fear striking his heart- _she_ _hated him, she really hated him_ _now_ \- “So I’m sorry that you were under the impression that we didn’t.” _It was all his fault his fault hisfault_ \- “And, whatever money we don’t have, Evan will either get a scholarship or he’ll go to a community college and that’s… I think that’s the best thing for us to do. I don’t want Evan to get the idea that it’s okay to rely on other people for favors.” She finished, sounding almost hysterical. Evan couldn’t breathe- he couldn’t breathe, he really couldn’t _breathe_ -

 

He was suddenly aware of Connor Murphy, standing in the corner of his room, arms crossed, staring at Evan with his icy blue eyes. His expression seemed to say _Well? What are you going to do now, Hansen_?

 

“It’s not a favor.” Cynthia protested, but Evan’s Mom cut her off again. “Well, but, as his mother, I need to set that example for him. That you can’t expect things from strangers.”

 

Cynthia stood up, her tone not raising but cutting off any conversation effectively. “We are not strangers.”

 

_But to her, they were. She didn’t know the Murphy’s, she didn’t understand- they were good people, they were just trying to help out Evan the way that he was helping them._

 

 _“By lying to them?”_ Evan flinched at Connor’s voice. _“They’re trying to do something really nice for you, Hansen. And in return you’re lying to them, just like you’re lying to every other fucking person in your life? Aren’t you tired of lying?”_

 

Evan resisted the urge to scream _yes_.

 

“No. Of course not.” The silence grew loud again. His mom filled it once more. “Thank you for the wine. It was delicious.” She set down her wine glass, moving to stand.

 

Concern filled Cynthia’s voice, but Evan barely registered her words. His mother’s ice-cold glare had focused on him and, as she moved towards the door, he felt himself rising to follow her.“You’re not staying for dinner?”

 

His entire body was shaking as his mom looked back at the Murphy’s once again. Back at fire, at the ruins of what had just happened- it all felt so surreal, and yet very _very_ real and Evan couldn’t _breathe_ \- _it was all hisfault_ \- “I think I’d better go to work after all. If I’d known Evan was so concerned about our finances, I would never taken the night off in the first place.”

 

It felt like she dragged him by a too-tight leash out of the Murphy’s house. Evan was too mortified not to follow anyways, very aware of Connor Murphy following in his stride, ready to watch as Evan’s world began to crumble.

 

********************

 

“Do you have any idea how _mortifying_ it is? To find out that your son has been spending every night in somebody else’s home and you didn’t even _know_ it?” His Mom laughed, shaking her head before all but throwing her purse down on the couch. “You told me you were at Jared’s.”

 

Somehow, in the silence car ride home, Evan had found his voice and his some new-found anger. “If you’re not here, then why does it matter where I am?” He asked. His hands were still shaking, his entire body was _shaking_.

  
“They think you’re they’re son. These… these _people_ .” She said people like it was a curse, like it was _bad_.

 

They’re not ‘these people’.” Evan answered, going on to explain. “They’re my…” There was no good way to finish that sentence.

 

“What?!” His Mom snapped suddenly and Evan flinched back, anxiety spiking through his veins. “ _What are they_ -”

 

“I don’t know!” He yelled back, his voice cracking. He just wanted to go up to his room and hide and _be alone_ . He didn’t want to deal with this anymore, he didn’t want to lie or do this- he didn’t want to do this he wanted to be _DONE_ -

 

“Because they act like you’re their, like they’ve adopted you, like I’m just, like I don’t even _exist_ !” She gestured to herself and Evan found her choice of words ironic, considering that half the time _he didn’t even exist to her_.

 

“They take care of me.” Evan answered, digging his nails into his palms. _Ground yourself_ , he told himself, _stay grounded and don’t freak out, don’t make her stop arguing out of pity, make her_ understand _that you’re not broken anymore, that you know what you’re doing, that she doesn’t need to_ do this _, that they’re good people, that they’re like family, that they’re more family that she’s been_ -

 

Almost like she was reading his mind, his mom snapped, “They’re not your parents. Hey-“ She started to _mock him_ \- “That’s not your family, Evan!”

 

“They’re nice to me!” Evan’s voice rose slightly.

 

For a moment, his mom stayed silent. Then she shook her head. “Oh they’re lovely, lovely people.”

 

“Yep.” Evan nodded in agreement, his heart still pounding.

 

She scoffed, shaking her head at you. “They don’t _know_ you.”

 

“And you do?” The words were out before he could control them, before he could _think_ . But then they were out- they were out, he’d really _said them_ -

  
His mom laughed slightly, stepping back to observe him. “I thought I did.” She determined, which almost made Evan laugh.

 

“What do you know about me?” Words were flooding from his mouth and Evan didn’t entirely care, he wanted her to understand, he wanted her to _know what he felt and how the Murphy’s had been there for him when no one else had been_ . Especially not _her_ . “You don’t know anything about me. You never even _see_ me!” His Mom said something else, but Evan couldn’t stop talking now, he couldn’t stop to think or to listen, the words err just _coming_ \- “They like me. I know how hard that is to believe. They don’t think that I’m, that there’s something wrong with me, that I need to be _fixed_ , like you do.”

 

He’d never spoken those words out loud before, never admitted it to _anyone_.

 

His mom’s eyes widened. “What have I _ever_ said that?” She demanded.

 

 _When_ haven’t _you_ ?! Evan wanted to ask before he started to list off the many, _many_ examples. “I have to go to therapy, I have to take drugs-”

 

“I’m your mother!” She protested, eyes on Evan as if for the first time. “My job is to take care of you-”

 

He cut her off, not caring anymore- he just didn’t _care_ anymore, almost everything was falling apart in front of him, burning up to _ash_. “I know. I’m such a burden. I’m the worst thing that ever happened to you. I ruined your life!”

 

He’d never said those words either. But they were true. Without Evan, she’d have so much more money. She’d have a bigger house and she wouldn’t have to worry about feeding him or spending unnecessary money on drugs and therapy and more drugs that didn’t work, on school or saving up for college. She wouldn’t spend so much time trying to _fix_ him and she could focus on other things; on school, on work, on _herself_ . Evan was just a big waste of space and everyone knew it- _everyone_ knew it.

 

Old thoughts came back to him suddenly- how would it look if the head of The Connor Project killed themself?

 

“You are the only…” She cut herself off. Hesitating. Tears were in her eyes and Evan could hardly breathe, watching her every move. She was going to agree, Evan knew it. She spoke again after moments of silence. “The one good thing that has _ever_ happened to be, Evan. I’m sorry I can’t give you anything more than that.” She shook her head, smiling- _why_?! “Shit…”

 

“Well, it’s not my fault that other people can.” He didn’t know why he said it. His mom’s face crumpled as Evan stepped back, heart racing and adrenaline running through his veins. He’d really fucked up this time.

 

_How would it look?_

 

Evan found himself up in the corner of his room, the door locked and the windows shut. He let his eyes follow. _Shit_.

 

_“You’ve really done it now, huh Hansen?”_

 

********************

 

“Why did Connor kill himself?” Alana’s words sting like knives.

 

Evan took a step back, his eyes widening. “Wait what?”

 

“He was doing better.” She said, her arms crossed. She seemed mad- she was _mad_. “That’s what he told you. In every single email. And then a month later, he kills himself? Why do so many things in these emails just not make sense?”

  
“Because sometimes things _don’t_ make sense, okay? Things are messy and complicated…” Evan blurted, shutting his eyes tight. He wanted to disappear- he didn’t understand why everything was falling apart so _quickly_.

 

“Like you dating Zoe?” Evan’s eyes rose to meet Alana’s instantly at the sound of his girlfriend’s name. Alana’s voice dropped to a whisper. “Do you know what people are saying about you?”

 

Despite everything, Evan felt a flash of annoyance and spoke without thinking, without processing what he was doing. “Why are you so obsessed with this? I mean, you didn’t even know him.”

 

 _“Neither did you.”_ Connor offered helpfully from where he stood. Evan ignored him.

 

She seemed a little taken aback, but recovered quickly. “Because it’s important.”

 

“Because you were lab partners?” Evan blurted, dogging his nails deeper and deeper into his palms. They stung and there were imprints now, but Evan didn’t care- it helped keep him from spiraling, from hyperventilating and freaking out and that’s all that mattered, that he didn’t start freaking out like the loser nobody he was destined to be forever. “Or because, I don’t know, maybe because you want another extracurricular for your college applications?” The words were out before he could judge their weight. Part of him felt bad. The rest of him just-

 

Her tone had risen suddenly, starling Evan. “Because I know what it’s like to feel invisible. Just like Connor.” She looked up at him and Evan was even more startled to see tears in her eyes. “To feel invisible and alone and like nobody would even notice if you vinished into thin air.” Her gaze turned cold. “I bet you used to know what that felt like too.” She stalked past him, hitting her shoulder against Evan’s as she hurried away, almost running.

 

Evan felt sick.

 

********************

 

Evan found Jared before the end of the school day. He seemed reluctant to talk, but eventually let Evan speak. “We need more emails. Emails showing he was getting worse.” Jared scoffed, looking down at the floor and Evan’s temper flared- why did he even _bother_ , _everyhing_ was a fucking _joke_ to Jared!! “This isn’t funny.”   


“Oh. I think it’s hilarious.” Jared shrugged slightly, turning away from Evan. “I think everyone would probably think it’s hilarious.”

 

“What is that supposed to mean?” He demanded, his stomach dropping as he probably read way too much into the words, into… into Jared’s _threat_.

 

“It means, you should remember who your friends are.” Jared’s gaze felt ice cold- why did everyone _look at Evan like that now_?!

 

“I thought the only reason you even talk to me is because of your car insurance.” Evan spat out.

 

Jared hesitated. “So?”

 

Evan cut him off, crossing his arms as he blurted his next words. He wasn’t thinking, but for once Evan didn’t want to think- he just wanted to disappear, he just wanted to leave all of his behind and be done with it _all_. “So maybe the only reason you talk to me, Jared, is because you don’t have any other friends.”

 

For a moment, Jared- for once in his fucking life- was silent. Then, he all but yelled his next words. “I could tell everyone _everything_ -”

 

“Yeah, go ahead. Do it.” Evan was yelling back, he realized vaguely. He felt like a stranger, watching himself move and speak. He couldn’t control himself- but he didn’t really want to. Everyone had talent advantage of him and used him and ignored him and been _awful_ to him for so long and finally- _finally-_ Evan had bubbled over and now everyone was getting what they _deserved_. “Tell everyone how ou helped write emails pretending to be a kid who killed himself.”

 

Silence. Jared raised his hand, middle finger stretched towards him as he backed away. “Fuck you, Evan. Asshole.” His voice wavered slightly as he turned on his heel and stalked away.

 

And Evan was alone.

 

********************

 

He was pacing back and forth. His heart was pounding and he shook his head, the events of the past 2 day replaying over and over and _over_ in his head and now the full horror of what had happened- he he had _done_ settled in his chest, burning him, _hurting him-_ and he couldn’t… Evan couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t keep lying, he couldn’t keep… _doing this_. “I’m not doing this. I’m done.” He mumbled, sounding pathetic.

 

 _“You can’t just stop now.”_ Connor stood over by his desk, just watching as Evan paced.

 

He shook his head desperately, looking up at Connor. “I don’t think I can live with this anymore.” He admitted. If anyone would understand, it would be him- it would be _Connor_ …

 

 _“What about my parents?”_ But he didn’t understand.

 

“No more emails.” Evan pleaded.

 

 _“How can you do this to them?”_ Connor demanded. His words were like teeth tearing at his heart, resting into his chest and eating him- he couldn’t do it, he couldn’t keep doing it he couldn’t he couldn’t hecouldnt

 

“No more Connor Project. No more orchard.” He heard himself whimpering, sounding pathetic but he just he couldn’t do it and he didn’t care- he just wanted to disappear and never have to deal with it again.

 

 _“After everything they’ve done for you? They need you.”_ Connor stepped closer to Evan.

 

He stopped pacing, looking up at the dead boy and meeting his cold gaze. “Need me for what? To keep lying to them?” Evan demanded. His hands were shaking.

 

 _“That lie is the only thing that’s keeping them together.”_ Connor gestured outwards, to the outside world where the Murphy’s were unaware of Evan, of what had been happening- probably wondering how one night could have gone so horribly wrong when they had _no idea_.

 

Evan shook his head. “That’s not true.”

 

Connor scoffed. _“Oh really? They seemed like a pretty happy family when you met them?”_

 

But they hadn’t. They really hadn’t- they’d been broken and grieving and… not happy. Not anything like he had imagined. But it was selfish and stupid, but Evan couldn’t do it. He just _couldn’t_ keep doing this. “I don’t want to lie anymore.”

 

 _“And what about Zoe?”_ Connor crossed his arms, raising an eyebrow.

 

“Zoe said, she just… she wants me.” Evan said softly, turning away. He hadn’t really thought about Zoe. How she’d react. How they’d all react.

 

Not like it really mattered if he was dead.

 

 _“Right.”_ Connor didn’t sound convinced.

 

Evan wasn’t convinced either, but he kept trying. “She likes me for who I am.”

 

 _“Except you didn’t happen to mention that everything you’ve told her, it’s all be one big fucking lie, did you?”_ Silence. Connor rolled his eyes. _“Oh. You left that part out.”_

 

“So then, what if…” He was grasping at straws. Evan knew he was searching for something that could never happen. No matter what he did, Zoe would hate him- they’d all hate him. Why did he think he could be apart of their life?! They were the Murphy’s. He was a Hansen. How did he think he ever had a chance with _Zoe Murphy_? He was Evan Hansen. Zoe Murphy and Evan Hansen did not mix. Yet he kept trying. “What if I did tell her the truth?”

 

Connor shook his head, looking almost sympathetic. _“She’d hate you.”_

 

“Maybe she would understand. Maybe everyone would understand.” Evan mumbled, shaking his head. He just knew he couldn’t lie anymore- but that meant he had to tell the truth and he wasn’t sure he could do that, after so long… but he had to- he _had to_ . He couldn’t lie anymore, he couldn’t keep _doing this_ …

 

 _“Everyone will hate you.”_ Connor answered, confirming Evan’s worst fears.

 

“Not if I can just, if I can explain it, you know?” Evan tried to protest, but his voice was failing, he was failing- he _had_ failed. It was over, it was all over- he’d finally done it, finally fucked it all up. It was all over and it was his fault, he was dragging down a perfectly good, a perfectly normal family with him.

 

 _“You’ll go right back to where you started. No friends. Nobody. Nothing. Alone-”_ Connor’s words felt like bullets and Evan felt part of him break inside as he called out, “I want to be done with this- I’m ready to be done with it!”

 

He was ready to be _done_ with it.

 

 _“If you really believe that, then why are you standing here, talking to yourself? Again?”_ Connor’s eyes were on Evan’s. He couldn’t look away- he was too scared to look away, to look away and have Connor disappear. He couldn’t- he needed Connor here… it was stupid, but he _needed him_ to be here. He was the only person he had left. The only person Evan could be honest with.

 

And he wasn’t even real.

 

Connor kept talking. _“You think you’re going to turn around all of a sudden and start telling everyone the truth? You can’t even tell yourself the truth.”_

 

Evan’s stomach dropped even further. “What are you talking about?”

 

 _“How’d you break your arm?”_ Evan felt sick. Connor kept pressing “ _How did you break your arm, Evan?”_

 

“I fell.” He sounded unconvincing. He didn’t know why he was still protesting it- he knew what happened. Connor knew what happened. It would be easier to say it.

 

But then he’d have to admit it, admit that he still wished he had done it right, admit that he _was_ broken and that there was really something wrong with him and Evan couldn’t do that. He couldn’t.

 

Besides, what good would it do now? No one could help him. Not his mom, not Dr. Sherman… no one.

 

Evan was alone.

 

 _“Really? Is that what happened?”_ Connor said.

 

“Yes!” Evan heard himself protest softly. He was shaking. He _hated_ himself. “I was… I lost my grip and I… I fell.” It sounded so fake. It all felt fake. Evan was fake.

 

Evan had lied so much he had turned fake. Who was he really anymore? Who had he really been in the first place?

 

 _“Did you fall? Or did you let go?”_ Connor’s words rang through the air, empty and cold. Evan knew. He knew what had happened. He had made a conscious decision. He had… he had let go.

 

He’d let go.

 

Connor gave him a pathetic smile, stepping closer to Evan and reaching out, grabbing his hands the way he did all that one ago, when he pulled Evan off the ground during his speech. The speech that started all of this, all of the downfall. _“You can get rid of me whenever you want.”_ Connor said softly, his eyes searching Evan’s face. _“You can get rid of all of it. The Connor Project. The orchard. But then all that you’re going to be left with is… you.”_

 

Him. What good was he? Evan Hansen. He couldn’t be left with just that anymore. He _couldn’t_ …

 

He couldn’t go back to the way things were, to sitting alone in his room with no one but _Evan fucking Hansen_ to keep him company. He couldn’t go back to having no one, to speaking less than 30 words a day, to crying in his room pathetically like a loser, to only having Jared- Jared who didn’t care, who thought everything was a joke, Jared who Evan had hurt…

 

He couldn’t _do it_ again. He couldn’t do it anymore, he couldn’t… Evan shut his eyes. He wanted to melt into his arms, to just cry and scream and sob. But when he looked up again, Connor was gone.

 

Evan was alone.

 

********************

 

**Me: I’ve been a bad co-president I know that and I’m sorry. But you were right you were absolutely right and I’m back and I’m re-dedicated myself to doing everything I can do to make this work**

 

She answered almost immediately, which surprised him. **Alana: Too late. I’ve moved on**

 

Evan’s heart leapt. _What_ ?! **Me: You’ve moved on?!** What did that even mean?! How did you… you just _move on_?

 

 **Alana: You’ve made it abundantly clear to me that you’re not very interested in being a part of The Connor Project.** She explained. The words made Evan feel even more sick.

 

He found himself answered immediately, desperate to make her understand- it was all so messed up, it was all just his fault… **Me: I can make more videos. I can write more stuff on the blog!!!**

 

**Alana: I can do all of that myself**

 

 **Me: It’s not the same!!! You know it’s not the same!!** Evan added pathetically, typing as fast as he could while making no mistakes. **People want to hear what I have to say, I was his best friend**

 

**Alana: You know, frankly, Evan? I’m starting to wonder if that’s even true**

 

His heart stopped. _What- oh my god, she knows she knows sheknows_ \- Nausea flooded through his body. Jared- Jared must have told her, that was the only explanation.

 

Unless it was obvious- unless Evan had been shit at keeping it covered up. Unless he had let one vital thing slip. Unless she’s finally put together the puzzle pieces- oh _god_ -

 

Despite his racing thoughts, Evan tried to play it off- tried to act as thought it was ridiculous, as if she hadn’t just figured out the one secret that would cause his entire life to crash around him. **Me: What does that mean?**

 

It took her a few long, agonizing minutes to answer. **Alana: You keep saying you were best friends, you’re like a broken freaking record about it. But nobody ever saw you together. Nobody knew that you were friends.**

 

 **Me: It was a secret**. Evan got halfway through typing his next sentence (He didn’t want us to talk at school) when Alana answered.

 

**Alana: I know the story Evan. We all know the story. We’re all heard it a bazillion times**

 

 _Did he talk about it too much?! Was that his damning mistake?!_ Evan’s stomach had clenched so hard that he thought he might throw up. **Me: You’ve seen the emails**

 

**Alana: Do you know how easy it is to create a fake email account? Backdate emails? Because I do**

 

 _Jared Jared Jared Jared-_ He’d argued with Jared and Jared had told her. And now Alana knew and now she was going to tell everyone everything and _oh god-_

 

**Alana: You know what? I don’t have time for this. I have to raise seventeen thousand dollars**

 

Before Evan even comprehended what he was doing, his fingers moved across the keys. **Me: I can prove it**

 

It took her a moment to answer, as if she’d already closed the conversation. **Alana: How?**

 

 **Me: Here** Tears blurted his vision as he sent her an attachment. _DearEvanHansen.doc_ . He just- on the off chance she didn’t know, he had to fix it. He couldn’t have her questioning and have her figure it out and tell everyone- he _couldn’t_ -

 

He couldn’t go back to being alone with Evan fucking Hansen.

 

**Me: If we weren’t friends, then why did he write his suicide note to me?**

 

**Alana: Oh my God**

 

**Me: Do you believe me now?**

 

Would anyone believe Evan? Even if he did show them… them this. This made it all seem so real. Which was funny. But not really funny because nothing about this was funny. But… ironic, is the better word.

 

Everything had spurred off of this. This was the central point of it all, the place where everything began. And somehow, still, it was the piece of evidence that made it seem the most real when it was just as fake as everything else.

 

**Me: Nobody else has seen this**

 

Suddenly, it hit him what he had done. He quickly sent another message, his heart-rating pickin up as he realized- _Alana had wanted to put the emails online. What if she tried to show it to someone?! What if she showed it to Jared or…_ His stomach plummeted even further. _What if she put it online_ ? **Me: You can’t show it to anyone, okay? Nobody else needs to see it**

 

She answered quickly, the quickest she had answered in the few minutes they’d been talking. **Alana: This is** **_exactly_ ** **what people need to see. You need something to create new interest**

 

Tears were rolling down Evan’s face. _No. No no nononononono_ -

 

**Me: Can you just please delete it now???**

 

**Alana: Don’t you care about building the orchard? This is the best way to make Connor’s dream come true**

 

 **Me: No it isn’t!** He tried to protest. He couldn’t breathe.

 

A notification dinged in the corner of Evan’s laptop- a Connor Project notification. His stomach dropped and he clicked on it as fast as possible. His eyes met the three familiar words- _Dear Evan Hansen_ . Attached to the document- to the _note_ oh _god_ \- was;

 

_Dear Connor Project Community,_

 

_Connor’s note is a message to all of us. Share it with as many people as you can. Post it everywhere. If you’ve ever felt alone like Connor, then please consider making a donation to The Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard. No amount is too small._

 

**Me: You put it online?!**

 

**Me: You need to take it down** **_please_ ** **!!!**

 

Alana didn’t answer.

 

The comments began to roll in immediately. Evan kept clicking, reading more and more of them- they were _horrible_ and yet he couldn’t look away. ‘ _Have people seen this?’ ‘He wrote his suicide note to Evan Hansen, because he knew his family didn’t give a shit’, Evan Hansen was the only one who was paying attention’, ‘“All my hope is pinned on Zoe”- Zoe’s a stuck-up bitch, I go to school with her, trust me’, ‘Larry Murphy is a corporate lawyer who only cares about money’, ‘Cynthia Murphy is one of these digusting women’, ‘Fuck the Murphys- make them feel what Connor felt’, ‘Their house is at the end of the cul-de-sac with the red door’, ‘Their gate to the back is completely unlocked’, ‘Zoe’s bedroom window is on the right’, ‘I’m not saying to do anything illegal…’_...

 

Evan’s phone rang. His heart leapt and he jumped. It had been 15 minutes and already they had surpassed their goal. There were over 20,000 views, retweets, and comments already. His chest felt like it was collapsing. He couldn’t breathe- he… There were tears in his eyes, he realized suddenly- _what had he done_?!

 

It was Zoe. He picked up, his voice shaking. “H-Hello?”

 

“Can you come here?” She sounded desperate. “Please?”

 

“Y-Yes, of course…” Evan’s hands were shaking as he slammed his computer shut, jumping to his feet. His entire body felt numb and alien-like, like he was suddenly watching himself. He couldn’t _breathe_ \- what had he _done_ -

 

“Be careful. I’m scared…” Zoe took a deep breath.

 

 _I’m sorry_. Evan walked out into the night, towards the Murphys house.

  
_What had he done_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ALLLLLRIGHTY KIDS
> 
> So I have the next two chapters all written out! They’ll be out tomorrow- or later today really.
> 
> Please let me know what you think! Any sort of comment, kudos, feedback- whatever is greatly appreciated.
> 
> PSA- don’t be like Evan. Take your meds. 
> 
> Also a PSA- be nice to everyone. Gives hugs and just don’t be a dick. Thanks.
> 
> (It’s late and I should be asleep but I wrote this instead hahahahaha)  
> (imsorry)


	12. Words Fail

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “We failed him!” Cynthia choked back tears and suddenly, Evan was talking- yelling. “No you didn’t- you didn’t fail him!!”
> 
> All eyes turned to him. Cynthia was yelling back at him. “Look at what he wrote!”
> 
> “He didn’t write it!” The words were out before he could stop himself. He just barely managed the next words. “I wrote it.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: suicidal thoughts, self-hatred, anxiety attack/panic attacks, serious depression & sadness
> 
> THIS IS NOT A HAPPY CHAPTER

Evan wasn’t sure how long it had taken him to get to the Murphys’. He wanted more than anything to be home, in the corner of his room, alone, where no one could possibly find him, but he had to be here. He had to try to fix what he’d broken.

 

When he had gotten there, Larry had pulled him inside faster than he had expected. Nothing had happened to the house so far, but Evan knew that Mr. Murphy wasn’t taking any chances. With how poorly the last interaction between his family and Evan’s went, the last thing that he needed was to call Heidi Hansen to tell her that something had happened to her son while he was standing on his porch.

 

Not that she would care, anyways. Once she saw the note and the post, it would all be over. Any faith that she still had in Evan would be gone. She’d hate him for what he had done to this family that had already been through so much. How could she not?! God knows that Evan hated himself for it.

 

_Then why did he do it in the first place? Why did he keep lying?! Why did he listen to Connor, instead of admitting to everything?! Why did he send Alana that note? It would be so much simpler. It would all be over and it wouldn’t matter anymore…_

 

Cynthia’s voice rose up an octave, the way that Evan had grown to understand meant she was near tears, like him. _My fault_ , the words rang out in his mind as she spoke. “Where did they get Connor’s note?!” She asked no one, because no one knew the answer- except for Evan, but she didn’t know that and she shouldn’t know that because then she would hate Evan and they would all hate Evan more than he hated himself…

 

“I don’t know.” Larry supplied, attempting to make sense of the mess himself.

 

Evan’s voice was soft as he tried to add something- anything- to the conversation, to help in his useless way. “I tried to call Alana, but she’s not answering…” He didn’t think the Murphy’s heard them- why should they hear him? He didn’t deserve to be heard by them, especially not now in the middle of the mess that _he’d_ made…

 

_He had really done it this time._

 

Cynthia had cut him off, sounding terrified and angry and upset all at once. “Some of these are adults. Do you see their pictures?!” She pointed to the screen, where Evan could only assume was the profile picture of one of the many people who had contributed to the Orchard Donation and made some horrible comment about this family that Evan had grown to care about, that didn’t deserve to be thrown in the middle of the shambles of Evan’s life. “These are adults!”

 

Zoe’s phone began to buzz and ring on the table, the noise scaring Evan so much he flinched away from it and suddenly everything was amplified, making it all so much worse. His palms were sweating, his hands shaking. It was only a matter of time before they accused him of giving Alana the note, of realizing that he was the only other person who had it and then it would all fall open and oh _god_ what would happen when it fell open?! He didn’t want to keep lying- he wanted them to know- but he didn’t want this to end, he didn’t want his new friends- his _family_ \- to leave him the way that dad, Jared, Alana, mom- _everyone-_ else did.

 

He had missed what they had said, but Zoe had the phone to her ear and was listening, her face unreadable and emotionless. The silence felt heavy on his shoulders, weighing down so hard on his lungs that he could barely breathe. “Who is it?” Larry asked, unable to bare the silence. “Who is it-”

 

“Have fun with your miserable life, bye.” Zoe said softly before pulling her phone down and hanging up, dropping it back onto the table with a loud thud that echoed in Evan’s head. _What did they say to her, did they threaten her… Ohgod if they threatened her, would they actually carry it out?! If they hurt her it’s my fault my fault myfault… They can’t hurt her they can’t hurt any of them please_ …

 

“What’s the number?” Larry pressed, his eyes darting from the now silent phone to his daughter’s impassive expression.

 

“It’s blocked. Who cares?” Zoe looked up at her parents. The lack of expression clearly meant that they’d said something terrible- _oh god_ … Evan wiped his hands anxiously on his sweatshirt, wishing he could just _leave_ _forever_ , wishing he wasn’t such a _mistake_ , wishing he hadn’t _lied_ … _Why had he lied?_

 

“What did they say to you?” Cynthia asked.

 

“It doesn’t matter.” Zoe said, her eyes moving down to her clenched hand on the table.

 

“Did they threaten you?” Larry demanded, but Zoe cut him off, her tone suddenly angry, “It doesn’t matter, dad!”

 

Cynthia stood up, shaking her head as she moved towards the other side of the room. “That’s it, I’m calling the police.” She grasped her purse, sticking her hand into it as she began to search for her phone.

 

Larry carefully moved towards her, putting a hand on her shoulder, drawing her back from the bag. “Right now, maybe the best thing to do is just wait and see if this blows over.”

 

Cynthia shook her head as she turned, scoffing. Her expression had turned slightly angry, which scared Evan. He hadn’t ever seen Cynthia angry- she always did her best to be calm and collected whenever Evan was there. He didn’t _want_ to see her angry, he couldn’t… “That’s always your solution, isn’t it? Do nothing.”

 

“Is that what I said?” Larry asked, retracting his hand as his tone rose a little too. He seemed to know where the conversation was going. Evan knew that if he could think, he probably would too- but he couldn’t think- he didn’t _want_ to think anymore- so he didn’t understand because he _never_ understood…

 

Evan just wanted them to stop, wanted to make them understand that Larry was right- waiting was the best thing to do because there wasn’t anything else they _could_ do. He should just _say something_ so they’d _understand_ , but he couldn’t make his mouth move, couldn’t make himself talk. It was like his body wasn’t responding to his thoughts anymore, like he could only watch as this family tore itself apart because of Evan Evan _Evan_.

 

Zoe’s voice was soft, yet it made Evan flinch anyways. She had been so quiet. Her voice was usually calming to him, but he couldn’t _think_ or _breathe_. “Can you guys please just stop-”

 

“Wait and see. Let’s wait and see, right, Larry?” Cynthia was saying, almost ranting.

 

Larry cut her off, his voice rising slightly. Not angry, but just… upset. “Well, what are the police going to do? It’s the internet! They’re going to arrest the internet?” _He’s right_ . Evan thought, wanting to agree and tell Cynthia to calm down because it would all be okay eventually- but he didn’t _know_ that and she knew he didn’t know that and she’d get mad at him and they’d all get mad at him because they’d figure everything out and then he could add the Murphy’s to the list of people he’d driven away. But _he should say_ something _before this gets even worse because he can’t have them hate each other because of him he couldn’t live with that_ …

 

Cynthia shook her head, stepping closer to her husband, whose eyes widened slightly as she continued to speak, the anger seeping back into her tone. “I had to beg you every step of the way-”

 

“Okay, hold on-” Larry protested, but Cynthia’s voice rose above his. “For rehab, for therapy-”

 

Evan’s mouth was moving before he could really think and comprehend what he was doing, what he wanted to say to them. He just wanted them to _stop arguing_. He wanted it all to stop- he wanted Alana to take down the stupid letter and stop this before anything else happened to this family. They didn’t deserve this. “I really think they’re going to stop…” His words rang out loudly in his mind, but he didn’t think they came out that way because no one so much as looked at him and no one listened.

 

“You went lurching from one miracle cure to the next!” Larry’s voice rose over his wife’s. Evan shrunk back a little, gripping his phone tightly through his sweatshirt pocket while the other wiped up and down his jeans, trying to stop the sweating because if his palms would stop sweating he’d be able to think straight and if he could think straight maybe he’d see the obvious solution staring him in the face, but because his palms were too sweaty, he couldn’t see it and he didn’t know what to do… He _never_ knew what to do.

 

Cynthia laughed- a hard, mean sort of laugh that almost scared Evan more than her angry tone. _I need to fix this- I need to get Alana to_ take it down now _because this can’t go on anymore, this can’t I can’t…_ “‘Miracle cure’? Really. Is that what you call it?”

 

Larry glared at her, his tone reaching the same hard, mean tone as his wife which scared Evan more than anything that he had heard them say before. “Because all he needed was another twenty thousand dollar weekend yoga retreat.”

 

“Maybe I should try calling Alana again?” Evan thought out loud, his tone soft and quick because he wasn’t thinking. However, he had offered the solution to no one, because no one was paying him any attention- the Murphy’s were so caught up in their own argument to notice him. For one of the first times in his life, he was relieved that no one was paying attention to him.

 

“And what was your alternative? Other than picking apart everything I did?” Cynthia asked, the hard tone replaced with emotion and _anger_.

 

“Putting him on a program and _sticking_ to it.” Larry said firmly. _Him_ … _They’re talking about Connor_ , Evan realized, delayed. His mind hurt from thinking so much- he just wanted them to _stop arguing_ . He hated that they were mad, he hated why they were mad- but most of all, he hated himself for making them mad and for lying and being so overwhelmingly _Evan_.

 

Zoe spoke loudly and suddenly, startling Evan. She turned in her seat towards her family, leaving Evan completely out of the conversation now. “No, you wanted to punish him!”

 

“Listen to your daughter, Larry.” Cynthia gestured towards Zoe forcefully.

 

“You treated him like a criminal!” Zoe kept going and now she was really angry too and Evan knew it was only a matter of time before they got angry at him and he couldn’t do that he couldn’t take it if all of them were angry at him…

 

“Are you listening?” Cynthia asked and Evan’s heart leapt. He looked up, desperate to explain that he was listening when he realized she was looking at her husband, who looked trapped and angry and… sad.

 

Zoe looked towards her mom now. “You think you were any better? You let him do whatever he wanted.” _They’re all mad at each other and it’s all my fault all my fault…_ Evan wiped his hand along his sweatshirt, desperate for it to stop sweating so he could try and explain and understand and fix…

 

“Thank you.” Larry said with another gesture at his daughter before falling into a chair next to her, his hand hitting the table with a loud _thud_ that caused Evan to flinch.

 

 _Maybe it’s over_ , he thought hopefully. _Maybe they’re all argued out and they can calm down and think rationally and figure something out and I can leave and figure out how to make this all disappear_ …

 

Cynthia moved so she was standing beside her husband’s chair, leaning on the table. “When he threatened to kill himself the first time, do you remember what you said?” Evan’s stomach clenched at the phrase. _The first time_ …?

 

“Oh for Christs sake.” Larry shut his eyes, shaking his head.

 

Evan didn’t know why, but the words kept ringing in his head- _threatened to kill himself the first time_ … He didn’t know why, he didn’t understand why he couldn’t stop thinking about it. Maybe because, for the millionth time, he could envision having a real friend that wasn’t based on lies or a family bond, a friend that understood what it felt like to be standing on the top of a tree and let go…

 

Cynthia stressed the next words before standing upright again.“‘He just wants attention.’”

 

Larry’s tone rose slightly as he sat upright, his hands out as if he couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I’m not going to sit here and defend myself-“

 

Cynthia sounded desperate, her voice shaking a little. “He was _getting better_. Ask Evan, tell him Evan.” She walked towards him and suddenly, he couldn’t think anymore.

 

 _No no no no no nonono_ … “I shouldn’t, um…” He found himself stuttering, in the center of the family argument that he shouldn’t have been there for because he wasn’t apart of the Murphy family- no matter _what_ he wanted, he _wasn't_ and he couldn’t live up to their standards anyways.

 

Cynthia turned away from him without an answer, moving back towards Larry. “Evan did everything he could.”

 

 _We weren’t friends_ . _I lied to you. I’ve been lying to you for months and months_. Evan’s stomach twisted.

 

Larry barely looked at him with his next words, the accusation clear in this tone as he argued with his wife- although who he was accusing, Evan couldn’t tell- _probably him_. “Evan was in denial of what was happening right in front of him-“

 

“Don’t put him in the middle of this.” Zoe yelled back, but the words rang in his head again and again and again as they fought and fought and _fought_ …

 

Their words blurred together, both of them so loud and so angry and so _terrifying_ . Evan couldn’t distinguish between their voices, could barely hear words over his ragged breaths. He was vaguely aware of the tears beginning to run down his face as his chest got tighter and tighter and heavier and heavier. _He couldn’t listen to this, he had to make them stop, he couldn’t let them do this to themselves when it was_ his fault _and they shouldn’t do this because it’s all_ his fault his fault hisfault…

 

Cynthia’s voice cut through his thoughts, desperate and emotional and it _hurt_ Evan to hear, it _hurt_ … “...he was trying-”

 

“And he was failing!” Larry yelled back.

 

“We failed him!” Cynthia choked back tears and suddenly, Evan was talking- _yelling_ . “No you didn’t- you didn’t _fail_ him!!”

 

All eyes turned to him and he was shaking and sweating and crying and _he couldn’t do this anymore he couldn’t he just couldn't_ … Cynthia was yelling back at him. “Look at what he wrote!”

 

“He didn’t write it!” The words were out before he could stop himself. The weight pressed harder on his chest as sobs forced their way out of his throat, choking him. He just barely managed the next words. “I wrote it.”

 

He was sobbing and he was pathetic and _theyknewtheyknewtheyknew_ … He’d told them- he’d done it again, it was all falling apart, it was all going to collapse and it was done and _they knew_.

 

“You…” Cynthia shook her head before finishing her sentence. She wasn’t yelling anymore, Evan noticed as he choked out another sob, ugly and there and _they knew_ … “You didn’t write Connor’s suicide note, Evan.”

 

 _She didn’t understand. None of them did._ “I-It wasn’t a-“ Another sob forced its way out of his throat as he found himself hunching forwards, hands on his knees as he tried to _breathe_.

 

Connor’s voice was speaking in his mind again. _“Wasn’t it, though?”_ Evan looked up and saw the dead Murphy standing behind his family, all of them staring at Evan, confused and concerned- except for Connor. He just looked… disappointed.

 

His words rang out in his head again. _“Wasn’t it, though?”_

 

Evan forced himself upright, forced himself to _breathe_ because he couldn’t hyperventilate, not in the Murphy’s house, not now… “It was an assignment from my therapist.” He choked out, sobs ripping at his throat as he spoke because he’d wanted to get it out for such a long time, he never wanted this to go so far, he never wanted to mess up _this badly_ … “Write a letter to yourself, a pep talk- ‘Dear Evan Hansen: Today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why’.”

 

Larry didn’t seem to understand. None of them did. “I… I don’t…”

 

Evan kept _talking_ because he couldn’t stop himself and he had to _explain_ so it would be _done_ and he… he could be done… he could be done with all of it, just like Connor said… “I was supposed to bring it to my appointment and Connor took it from me and I guess he must have had it with him when…” Evan choked, _hating_ himself. “When you found him and…” He couldn’t do further. He couldn’t make himself say it- couldn’t say _I lied to you, I did this, it’s my fault, I’m sorry_ because they’d hate him and they will hate him and they _do_ hate it…

 

“What are you talking about?” Zoe didn’t seem to understand, but she sounded… mad. She sounded mad _she sounded mad she hated him_ … _Connor was right he was right he was always right_ …

 

Evan shook his head furiously, unable to breathe as he tried to explain, tried to choke out one more thing so they could truly hate him… “W...We weren’t friends…” He broke off, tears running down his face as he leaned forwards again, trying to _breathe_ but he just couldn’t, he couldn’t, he _couldn’t breathe_ …

 

 _He didn’t deserve to breathe_.

 

Cynthia was shaking her head, her hand over her mouth as she repeated her words over and over again. “No… no… no… no…”

 

Connor’s eyes met his from behind his family and he shook his head. Evan’s eyes welled with tears and he shut them, trying unsuccessfully to choke down a sob so he could just _calm down_ and then they wouldn’t feel bad about hating him and they could just make him _leave_ … “I… I-“ Evan broke off again. He didn’t know what he was trying to say- didn’t know what he _could_ say. Nothing could fix this- nothing Evan could say would make this any better. “I’m sorry.” He choked out, another ugly sob forcing it’s way through his throat. “I-I didn’t mean… I never wanted... “ His brain was moving too fast, he couldn’t put his thoughts into words. He _was_ hyperventilating, a dull part of him realized.

 

The Murphy’s looked stunned, unable to comprehend the broken, lying mess that was Evan in front of them. None of them moved towards him, none of them moved at _all_ . They just stared at him as he hyperventilated and cried and _confessed_ that everything that they had known about their dead son was a _lie_ \- a lie that Evan created, that _Evan_ kept telling, that was _all Evan’s fault_.

 

Finally, Larry shook his head and spoke. “But you knew about the orchard. He took you to the orchard.”

 

Cynthia nodded, unable to _understand_. “That’s where you broke your arm…”

 

Evan shook his head. He didn’t want to keep talking- he wanted to _run_ , run away from all of this- from this family that now _hated_ him, from his home, from this stupid town, from _himself_ . “I broke my arm in Elison State Park, by myself.” He was pounding his arm against his chest, he realized, because maybe if they saw how much of a fucking _mess_ he was, they’d let him leave and he could go home and…

 

_And do what?_

 

Connor raised an eyebrow, his arms crossed from behind his family. The words rang out in his head again. _“Wasn’t it, though?”_

 

“No, no, that day at the orchard. You and Connor at the orchard…” Cynthia choked up, putting a hand over her mouth. Evan shook his head, unable to keep talking- how could he keep talking, when all talking had done was ruin _everything_ ? If he’d just shut up and told the truth from the beginning, none of this would have happened and the Murphy’s would just be another family, a family that wasn’t broken apart by Evan, a family that was _normal_ and untouched by _him_ . Cynthia collapsed into a chair, her shoulders shaking. “Oh god…” She gasped, tears running down her face. _He’d made her cry_ . Evan shook his head again, _hating himself_.

 

“But… you told me that he… that you guys would talk about me and…” Zoe looked up, tears in her eyes- tears that _Evan_ had caused. “How could you do this?!” She didn’t yell it, but it felt like she did- her words stuck in his chest like bullets, each one hurting worse than the last because he didn’t _know_ how he could have done this, _why did he do this, why whywhywhy_ …

 

Evan shook his head, unable to speak as he cried, leaning forwards again because he couldn’t _breathe_ . All that he had wanted was a _family_ , to fit in somewhere and be… be accepted for who he was- he wanted to help the Murphy’s with their grief, he wanted to like Zoe and have her like him for no other reason that he was _him_ \- he’d wanted to make friends, to have _a_ friend and not just an acquaintance or family friend, he’d wanted to _be noticed_ . And he had. He’d been noticed, he’d gotten all of those things at the expense of a lie that shouldn’t have been told- and now, it was all falling apart. _He_ was falling apart- although he didn’t think he could have fallen apart anymore than he already had.

 

He couldn’t say anything- he couldn’t explain himself. There wasn’t any sort of worthy explanation he could give. Nothing could make sense all of the things that he had done. Evan glanced up from the ground. He expected them to start yelling, to throw things, to do _something_ , but all of them just sat- watching him as he hyperventilated. It was worse than being mad. Evan felt faint, like he was going to collapse. He just… He wanted to _leave_ … He didn’t want to stay in this house any longer- to stay in the house where his fake friend Connor Murphy had lived before killing himself, where Connor Murphy’s family had cared for him and helped him, where Evan had lied to them and hurt them when he should have helped them.

 

Zoe got to her feet, tears running down her face as she backed away from Evan, shaking her head. He’d lied to her, too. Connor’s voice rang out in his head, loud and angry, the words from earlier replaying in his broken mind. _“Except you didn’t happen to mention that everything you’ve told her, it’s all be one big fucking lie, did you? Oh. You left that part out.”_ Evan desperately wanted to tell her that he hadn’t lied about liking her, that he did like her and that he was so sorry for everything that he’d done, for all of this- for Connor, for lying, for him- but he couldn’t speak, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t _breathe_. He watched as Zoe ran from the room, crying. Cynthia followed, her cries hurting Evan more than almost anything.

 

Larry stayed for a moment, his eyes on Evan, silent and impassive. He couldn’t tell what Larry was thinking- Evan didn’t want to _know_ what he was thinking. He didn’t want to know… He shook his head before stepping out of the room, following his grieving, upset family- the family that Evan had broken.

 

Connor, who had been silent, looked away from the empty doorway, towards Evan. His eyes were cold, his arms crossed as he leaned against the wall. “Well.” His voice was emotionless. “That was shitty.”

 

Evan shut his eyes, shaking his head furiously as he stumbled backwards. His back hit the wall and he flinched, a sob bursting from his mouth. “What did I tell you?” Connor added after a moment of silence. “That lie was the only thing keeping them together.” The silence felt like a knife, stabbing Evan in the heart. _His fault his fault his fault_ … The dead Murphy shook his head before following his family, dissipating into nothingness as he walked.

 

And then, Evan was alone.

 

********************

 

_I never meant to make it such a mess._

_I never thought that it would go this far._

_So I just stand here, sorry, searching for something to say._

_Anything to say._

 

_Words fail._

_There’s nothing I can say._

 

The silence was so loud. Evan’s head throbbed as he slowly made his way home, out of the Murphy’s house and _away_ so they wouldn’t ever have to deal with him ever ever again.

 

God, he was such a screw up. He’d messed up the one thing that was good- not only in his life, but in so many others lives. The entire reason this whole thing started was because Evan couldn’t speak, he couldn’t be normal, he couldn’t… couldn’t _help_ without lying. But he’d messed it all up- it was all so broken that there wasn’t any hope of it getting better. The Murphy’s would save themselves and their reputation by exposing Evan, everything would fall apart, everyone would laugh at him and taunt him and hurt him for what he did and he deserved it because what he did was terrible.

 

He choked back tears, wiping at his eyes with a shaking hand. He had nothing left. It hit him with what felt like a slap across the face. No friends, no family, no one that cared. No one would talk to him or pay attention to him or… He didn’t _matter_ anymore.

 

What would it look like if the co-president of the Connor Project committed suicide? Would it make the entire project meaningless? Would it cause the entire project- Orchard, followers, and all- to fall apart? Even if it was all made on a lie, it was important. Not just because of what was happening here, in this town, but what was happening _everywhere_ to so many kids everywhere. If Evan killed himself… Alana would have to pretend to be heartbroken, his mom would have to pay for a funeral and those were expensive, his school would have to have another suicide prevention assembly and he would disappear the way Connor had for those weeks, just another dead kid who no one remembers- except this time, no one would lie and make a big deal about it and he would just disappear and stay gone forever.

 

Evan shut his eyes, leaning against a tree as he walked through the park, his head pounding as he struggled to breathe. _It sounded nice._ But of course, he couldn’t- because it would cause more bad than good for Alana and Jared and the Murphy’s and mom and… _He was doing it again_ . He realized as he forced himself to keep walking forwards. He was thinking too much- if he just _calmed down_ and _stopped thinking_ , maybe he’d be able to do something and fix this. One way or another.

 

_I guess I thought I could be part of this._

_I’ve never had this kind of thing before._

_I never had the perfect girl who somehow could see the good part of me._

_I never had the dad who stuck it out._

_No corny jokes or baseball gloves._

_No mom who just was there because mom was all that she had to be._

 

_That’s not a worthy explanation._

_I know there is none._

_Nothing can make sense of all these things I’ve done._

 

_Words fail._

_There’s nothing I can say._

_Except sometimes you see everything you’ve wanted._

_You see everything you wish you had and it’s right there._

_Right there, just right there._

 

Now they’re gone, Evan thought, slowing down because he really didn’t want to go home, but home was the only place left for him to go. It was dark out, the lights from the lamps dimly lighting up the world around him, but the entire world had gone colorless at the edges.

 

It didn’t excuse the fact that he’d fucked up so badly and ruined the lives of three perfectly normal people- nothing did. Cynthia- who had cared so deeply about Connor and didn’t know how to get through to him, who tried so desperately to get through to Evan and made him feel acceptable and found-, Larry- who hadn’t known how to care for Connor but done the best he could, who was like the father that Evan never had-, and Zoe. _Zoe_ , the one girl in the entire world who saw Evan as… as _something_ , as a human, as a boyfriend. The girl who had finally seen Evan after years and _years_ of him trying to be noticed. The girl who might have loved him if he wasn’t such a fuck up.

 

_And you want to believe it’s true._

_So you make it true._

_And you think,_

_Maybe, everybody wants it, or needs it a little bit too._

 

_This was just a sad invention._

_It wasn’t real, I know._

_But we were happy._

_I guess I couldn’t let that go._

_I guess I couldn’t give that up._

_I guess I wanted to believe._

_Cause if I just believe, then I don’t have to see what’s really there._

 

Evan paused, suddenly. He’d stopped by a park bench, but he couldn’t make himself sit on it. It was under the light and Evan had had enough of spot lights. His eyes moved from the lamp-post up to the tree behind it, the colorful leaves on top of the branches. He shut his eyes and he thought, desperately, _Maybe it’ll look different from all the way up there._ Despite himself, a laugh burst out of him, followed quickly by a sob. _Maybe this time it’ll be different_ …

 

_No, I’d rather pretend I’m something other than these broken parts._

_Pretend I’m something other than this mess that I am._

_Cause then I don’t have to look at it._

_And no one has to look at it._

_No, no one can really see._

 

_Cause I’ve learned to slam on the breaks,_

_Before I even turn the key._

_Before I make the mistake._

_Before I leave with the worst of me._

_I never let them see the worst of me._

 

Evan didn’t fully register it, but he was crying again- almost hysterically. His eyes had fallen to the ground and he realized this entire body was shaking. He should be writing this down, he realized in the back of his mind as he looked up at the tree again. So everyone understands. He hadn’t realized it until now, but it seemed almost inescapable- climbing to the top of the tree again. Because maybe it would look different- maybe he would understand and… if he didn’t, he could always… let go. Maybe he and Connor could really be friends in the afterlife. Then maybe it wouldn’t be a total lie…

 

Evan shut his eyes, falling onto the bench and putting his head in his hands, blocking out all light as his breathing picked up again. _If he did this, it would all be over. It would all stop_ … He just wanted everything to stop… He just wanted to stop thinking, to stop moving, to stop… being him. He wanted to stop being so fucking _broken_.

 

_‘Cause what if everyone saw?_

_What if everyone knew?_

_Would they like what they saw?_

_Or would they hate it too?_

 

He shook his head, pushing it further between his knees, hearing only his ragged breaths as he struggled to breathe for what felt like the millionth time in the last hour. They’d hate it. Everyone would hate it if they knew. Everyone who does know hates him… So would the rest of the world. So _will_ the rest of the world, he corrected himself. Because when the Murphy’s tell everyone, it’ll all be over and his secret will be out and everyone will hate him even more for tricking them and the Connor Project won’t matter anymore and neither with anything else because Evan will just be Evan and no one will care about him.

 

Which is why it was right to climb that tree, to go higher and higher and higher until he could barely see the ground.

 

Because this time he _would_ die.

 

_Will I just keep on running away from what’s true?_

_All I ever do is run._

_So how do I step in?_

_Step into the sun_ …

 

“Hello…?” A voice rang loudly in Evan’s head and he sat upright, heart racing again. A woman was standing in front of him, a small child by her side. Her eyes widened at his expression, but her tone remained the same. “Are you okay?”

 

Evan nodded his head furiously, wanting her to just leave so he could think and climb the tree. She didn’t seem convinced, which made Evan hate himself more. _If he wasn’t having a panic attack in the middle of the park, maybe it would be easier to think_.

 

The woman knelt down in front of him and Evan took a deep breath in, trying to calm himself down because now he wasn’t alone anymore and he had to be presentable so she wouldn’t hate him but he also had to leave before she recognized him as the kid from the Connor Project and then she’d feel bad for him but then she’d figure out why he was out here all alone and she’d hate him. “Sweetie, it’s okay.” She said softly. “I’m not going to hurt you, I promise. I just want to help…”

 

Evan had just wanted to help too. And look where he was now, he thought before shutting his eyes and shaking his head. “I-I’m sorry…” He muttered, his voice sounding loud and echoey in his head.

 

“No, no, don’t be sorry… Why are you out here all by yourself?” The woman asked hesitantly.

 

And Evan couldn’t tell her because she’d hate him if she knew. She’d call his mom, but his mom wouldn’t answer because she was probably at work and even if she did answer, once she found out why this person was calling her, she’d hang up because she hated Evan for what he had done. He shook his head again, dropping his head into his hands as he attempted unsuccessfully to even out his breathing.

 

“Okay, okay…” She said quickly. “It’s alright, I promise… Can you tell me what your name is?”

 

Evan shook his head again because if he told her, she’d definitely know where he was from and… He choked on another sob and shook his head again, as if one time hadn’t been enough. “S-Sorry…” He repeated, hating himself for speaking and making this random woman worry and feel like she had to care about him and make sure he was okay.

 

She didn’t say anything for a moment as the silence was filled with the sounds of the park and Evan’s uneven, shaky breathing. “Do you know what your mom or dad’s phone number is?” The woman asked a few moments later.

 

Evan’s head shot up from where it was. His mom wouldn’t come because she hated him. Neither would his dad. No one would come. He had no one anymore.

 

He should go before she asked more questions. He couldn’t do any more questions- he had to leave before she figured out who he was because if she did then she would abandon him and… Evan shut his eyes. _It doesn’t matter anyways._

 

“Sweetie? Do you know-“ Evan stood up, cutting off the woman. “What are you-“

 

He shook his head. “I-I’m okay.” _Well, not really- I’m never okay but you don’t have to know about that_. “S-Sorry.” Despite his lack of breath, he started to run, ignoring the calls from the woman and leaving the tree behind him.

 

********************

 

A single light was on in his house- the living room light. His mom's car was in the driveway.

 

Evan could barely breathe. The longer he had run from the park, the more tired he had become, the more it hurt, and the more sure he was that he was broken inside now too. He had run until he had to stop, too exhausted to take another step. He had run until he collapsed on the sidewalk and heaved, throwing up as he cried, which made him cry more.

 

_Now someone would have to clean that up and he was such an inconvenience and he was so so stupid and why had he run from that stupid tree he should have climbed it and jumped while he had the chance…_

 

The thoughts exhausted him, suddenly and completed. It _all_ exhausted him- he felt too tired to take another step, to keep moving because maybe someone would come and get him- but he knew no one would. He made himself move, his mind and body feeling heavy. He just wanted it to stop…

 

But somehow he had made it to his house. He would have to face him mom… or maybe she would ignore him and let him go up to his room and cry and hate himself and be alone until morning, when he could go back to the park and maybe find that tree again…

 

It was all just… so tiring…  

 

Slowly, Evan pushed open the door. It creaked slightly as it shut behind him. He slipped off his shoes, glad for something to concentrate on other than his mind. It got so loud sometimes that he couldn’t think because he was just thinking too much… It was so tiring… _god_ Evan was so exhausted. He wiped at his face again- incase his mom did want to see him for some reason- and slowly made his way towards the stairs.

 

She was sitting on the couch in the living room, curled up with a blanket and her laptop balanced on her knees. It looked like she had been crying- _oh god had she been threatened because of what Evan did he couldn’t live with that he couldn’t_ \- She looked up as he entered the room and she relaxed- _why_ , Evan wondered- before looking back at her laptop. “Have you seen this?” Evan’s stomach clenched. _They did it the Murphy’s told everyone oh god_ \- “The note that Connor Murphy…”

 

 _Oh_. With everything else that had happened, Evan had nearly forgotten about that- if it was possible. The repercussions were all he could think about.

 

Evan nodded, slightly delayed. He couldn’t say anything- he was just waiting for her to start yelling at him. He just… he wanted it to be over so he could go upstairs and be alone- for once he just wanted to _be alone_. He was so tired… His mom kept talking. “It’s all over everyone’s Facebook… ‘Dear Evan Hansen’.” She looked up at Evan’s face, but he couldn’t make himself meet her gaze. “Did you… you wrote this? This note?” Slowly, Evan nodded, not really caring anymore. He shut his eyes, hating himself. He was so tired of being so scared and so upset and so much crying and so… so broken… “I didn’t know.”

 

She didn’t sound mad, which confused him. “No one did.” Evan answered softly.

 

“No, that’s not…” She shut her eyes, shaking her head. Evan didn’t understand what was happening- it was the first time in what felt like years that he had had a conversation with someone that didn’t end up with someone yelling at him. The first conversation with his mom in forever that felt like she was… like she was actually here, listening… “I… I didn’t know that you… that you were… hurting. Like that. That you felt so… I didn’t know.” She looked up at him, her eyes teary, which made Evan feel terrible. It was the third person that he’d made cry in the past few hours. “How did I not know?!”

 

“Because I never told you.” Evan mumbled, his eyes on the ground. She made him feel guilty- should he have told her? He’d debated it for a while- because maybe she could help and she deserved to know the truth about that day- but then he realized it would just be another inconvenience, another waste of money on the therapy sessions that weren’t working, on the pills that didn’t do much… another thing for his mother to have to fix about him.

 

“You shouldn’t have had too.” Her eyes met his and he watched as a tear ran down her face. Evan bit his lip, hating himself for making his mother cry. He wasn’t sure what to do- he didn’t… he just felt so exhausted. He just wanted to be _done_ with it all.

 

Words spilled out of his mouth again. “I lied. About… so many things. Not just Connor…” He stopped, wondering if… if it was right- if he should tell her. If she would really care… But she didn’t seem mad- she didn’t seem mad at him at all and… He found himself talking again. “Last summer, I just… I felt so alone and…” His voice broke and he looked down, not wanting to cry anymore despite the tears welling in his eyes again. His face felt wet and itchy. Evan was just… so so tired…

 

“You can tell me.” His mom said softly, looking worried and concerned and sad. He hated it when she looked like that. Especially when she wanted him to tell her… tell her what he’d…

 

Evan shut his eyes, shaking his head because he wasn’t sure if he could- not when it was so fresh, so… so open in his mind because he’d end up confessing what he’d wanted just a few minutes ago and she’d have to bring him to the doctor for something to make him not want to die and it’ll cost more and- He shook his head again. He was tired of thinking. He just wanted to have a break from… from being trapped inside his mind. “You’ll hate me.” He managed.

 

Despite not saying anything, it was almost like she understood. She set her computer on the coffee table, more tears running down his mom's tired face. “Oh, Evan…”

 

“You should.” Evan forced a smile and he didn’t know why. He didn’t know what he was doing anymore. Suddenly, he just wanted her to _understand_ so he could talk to someone who wasn’t a ghost, who’d help him, who’d… _but what if she doesn’t want to?_ A voice said in the back of his mind. He couldn’t tell if it was Connor’s or his own. _What if it makes her hate you even more?_ “If you knew what I tried to do.” Evan kept talking, tears running down his face as he looked away from his mother. “If you knew who I am, how… broken I am…”

 

His mom moved like she wanted to get up and hug him. Evan didn’t know if he wanted her to hug him, but the thought made him sad. It felt like… he didn’t know. He couldn’t think clearly. Evan shut his eyes, a sob shaking his chest as his head fell to his chest. “I already know you. And I love you.” His mom said softly.

 

Slowly, Evan sat down on the couch, as far from his mom as possible because he didn’t want to inconvenience her, but he didn’t think he could stand anymore. “I’m so sorry…” He mumbled.

 

“I can promise you, someday all do this… this will all feel like a very long time ago.” His mom moved as if she wanted to get closer to him, as if she wanted to touch him. It settled in his mind that maybe Evan wanted her to hug him, to do _anything_ so he’d know he was still there, that he was still… alive.

 

Her words settled in his mind, delayed, like everything else because Evan was just so fucking _exhausted_. It didn’t make sense- how could this seem like a long time ago? How could it all just… disappear? It didn’t seem possible. Slowly, he looked down, shaking his head as more tears ran down his face. “I don’t know…”

 

His mom was silent for a few moments. The silence wasn’t like the one at the Murphy’s or the one at the park. It was… different. Evan couldn’t figure out why, but he liked this silence much much more. It was… calmer. More comfortable. Finally, she spoke. “Your dad… do you remember the day he drove by to get his things?” “It was a few weeks after he’d moved out. Temporarily, we’d said…”

 

She smiled sadly at him before continuing to talk, to tell him the story he’d known about but always been too scared to ask for more. About how Dad moved away, leaving Evan alone with his mother without any sort of clue or word to either of them. How Evan wondered if she would disappear one day, if a big truck would come and take her too. How she had promised that it wouldn’t. That she’d always be there for him…

 

Evan shut his eyes tightly. He didn’t know if he truly believed it- after all, he had driven everyone else away- but… for tonight, he couldn’t help but want to believe it. In a way, mom understood… They weren’t the same- at all-, but if his mom could think that then… then maybe Evan could too. And she would help him. His mom wasn’t going anywhere. She’d stay and help him through the big problems and small ones, no matter what… right?

 

Evan opened his eyes, tears clouding his vision and he just let it go. He choked back a sob and fell into his mother's arms. And she just held him, gently brushing his hair with her fingers, holding him with careful and calm and warm and safe arms. She didn’t say anything and he was grateful for that. He didn’t want anyone to say anything. He just wanted to stay where he was, safe in his mother’s arms because she would protect him from school, from the Connor Project, from the Murphy’s, and from himself.

 

If he could have, Evan would have fallen asleep like that. He didn’t realize how much he had wanted his mom to hug him, to be there, to keep him safe, and it made him feel a little better- somehow, after all that had happened in a few short hours, his mom had made it not hurt as much. But he had to deal with this… sooner or later. Not by running away. He would fix this. Somehow.

 

Slowly, Evan pulled back from his mom’s embrace. She didn’t stop him. She grasped his hand in hers for a moment and smiled at him. “You’ll see. I promise.”

 

He smiled a little back and stood up. And Evan tried to believe it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *deep breath*
> 
> Welp
> 
> This scene is such a powerful one and so so so sad and I hope I did it justice. 
> 
> Any sort of feedback is gladly taken. Please let me know what you think!!!!
> 
> One more chapter left!


	13. And That’s Enough.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Uh, hi, Zoe? This is… It’s Evan. Evan Hansen? I, uh… I hope that you’re doing well and I just… I wanted to check in to see how you were doing… I know that you might not want to… to talk to me or see me ever again after… after what happened, but… I mean… If you… want to talk, then… I mean, if you don’t then just ignore this message, I understand why… but… I mean, I just want to make sure that you’re… I wanted to see how you were doing, so… Anyways, I hope that you’re doing good and… I’ll… yeah, bye.”

Evan’s hand was shaking, his thumb hesitating over the blue call button. Her name- _Zoe Murphy_ \- was sprawled in big letters, an old picture of the two of them her profile picture. Evan had been half-out of the picture at the time, but Zoe’s face was bright and beautiful which is why Evan loved the photo so much. Her number stared up at him and Evan felt a pang of anxiety- _Was this right? Would she even pick up?_

 

He took a deep breath, forcing himself to breathe. If he never called, he would never know.

 

Before he could talk himself down, he pressed the call button. The screen turned black, the _calling Zoe Murphy_ making his heart leap. _He was doing it- he was actually trying to call her_. Slowly, he lifted the phone to his ear, his heart pounding with anticipation. Evan wasn’t sure if he’d rather she picked up or didn’t answer at all.

 

One ring… Two ring… Three ring… Voicemail. _“Hey, this is Zoe. Sorry I missed your call- I’ll get back to you as soon as I can.”_

 

Evan let out his breath, unsure if he was disappointed. As weird as it was… he had gotten to hear her voice. It filled him with confidence he didn’t expect to feel as it asked for a message. “Uh, hi, Zoe? This is… It’s Evan. Evan Hansen? I, uh… I hope that you’re doing well and I just… I wanted to check in to see how you were doing…” He had planned all of this out- word for word-, but now, Evan couldn’t remember any of it. And for once, it didn’t entirely bother him. “I know that you might not want to… to talk to me or see me ever again after… after what happened, but… I mean…” He sighed, unsure of what to say now. His heart was throbbing. Evan couldn’t believe he was doing this, but… “If you… want to talk, then… I mean, if you don’t then just ignore this message, I understand why… but…” He took another breath. “I mean, I just want to make sure that you’re… I wanted to see how you were doing, so… Anyways, I hope that you’re doing good and… I’ll… yeah, bye.” He hung up.

 

He hadn’t expected her to pick up- after all, with what he had done… Evan didn’t expect her to ever want to talk to him again. Leaving the voicemail left him full of jitters- he couldn’t believe that he’d just called Zoe Murphy- his ex-girlfriend (they’d never officially broken up, but after the whole Connor Project Orchard fundraiser and… after he’d confessed the truth, he didn’t think that she’d want to see him again) who he’d lied to for months on end about being her dead brothers best friend. But… on the bright side, he _had_ just called _Zoe Murphy_ and left her a voicemail without panicking too badly. Or… without really panicking at all.

 

A small smile grew on Evan’s face and he glanced at the clock. He had 30 minutes to get to work. His eyes fell down to the phone in his hands- a new phone, not off-brand. If he and Jared were still friends, Evan was sure that Jared would have torn into him about how old it was- _“Really? A 5SE?”_ \- but… he and Jared weren’t friends anymore. Maybe, with this newfound burst of confidence, he could reconnect with Jared and Alana too. They were both off at college. They’d probably made new friends and most likely forgotten all about Evan, but… Maybe.

 

Evan pulled up Jared’s contact- _Jared Koolman_ , as entered by the man himself. The picture was of his friend dabbing, which Jared had refused to let Evan change. He sighed. Evan didn’t want to call Jared- he had no idea what his schedule was like and he didn’t want to interrupt him at college or wherever he was- but he decided to text him anyways.

 

**Me: Hey Jared, it’s Evan. I know that after what happened last year with the Connor Project, you probably don’t want to talk to me ever again and you have a right too. I was a dick to you and I’m so so sorry. I had no right to treat you like that after all that you were doing for me. I can understand if you never want to talk to me again and if you want too, you can ignore this message. I get it. But I just figured maybe I’d see if we could talk again.**

 

He pressed send. Evan’s heart was racing. He drafted a text very similar and sent it to Alana moments later. In a way, he couldn’t believe that he had done that- he’d tried to talk to _three_ people whom he’d hurt, tried to reconnect with three of his old friends that he’d screwed over. Dr. Sherman had told him that it might help and, even if they didn’t respond, Evan felt… amazing. He’d _called_ Zoe Murphy and left her a voicemail, then directly texted Jared afterwards. His smile widened because he could see that he really was getting better.

 

And that was something.

  


****************************

  


Zoe had called back while he was at work. Evan didn’t check his phone until he got home from the mall. His heart leapt when he saw he had 3 notifications- one from his mom, one from Alana Beck, and one missed call from Zoe Murphy.

 

Evan quickly responded to his mom- who was checking in from work- before looking to the text from Alana and the voicemail from Zoe. His heart hurt from anticipation- but he told himself that they might not want to talk, that they might just had responded saying that they couldn’t forgive him and to stop texting them. If they had… Evan would just have to accept it.

 

** Alana: Hi Evan. I’ve thought a lot about the Connor Project and what happened last year and I accept your apology. While it felt to me that posting the note online was the best course of action to get as the Orchard running, I understand why it upset you. Over the past year, I’ve made new friends but I always felt guilty for putting the needs of the Connor Project over yours. I’m glad that you reached out- I was thinking about it as well but wasn’t sure if it was the right time. I hope that you are doing well. **

 

It felt like a bubble burst in his chest. The text was so straight forwards- so _Alana_ \- that it hurt. She forgave him- _she_ _forgave him_. It was enough to make him want to cry. A smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, relief flooding through his mind. _Maybe if Alana is this understanding_ …

 

Part of him knew that what he had done to Alana wasn’t the worst that he’d done- it was still terrible, but… What he had done to Alana was shitty, what he had done to Jared was shitter, and what he had done to Zoe? That was the shittiest. But if Alana understood and was understanding, then… then maybe Zoe and Jared will be too? Evan slowly took a deep breath, pressing play on the voicemail and holding the phone up to his ear.

 

Silence for a moment. Then she began to speak. _“Hey Evan…”_ He couldn’t tell how she felt- her voice was impassive and almost emotionless. _“Uh, I… I’m doing well… um…”_ It fell silent for a while and she took a shaky breath. _“I’m… I’m glad that you called… I’ve been meaning to call you for a while, but I just… never knew what to say… But I was thinking it might be easier to do this face to face? Maybe we could… find a day that works for both of us and we could go and… and talk somewhere? Anyways, let me know if you want too and… what days work for you… I hope that you’re doing well, Evan.”_ She fell silent for a moment. _“Bye.”_

  


****************************

  


May 20th, 4:15 at The Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard- 2 weeks after Evan had called Zoe. That’s when and where they’d agreed to meet. Evan couldn’t believe it- he was going to see Zoe Murphy after he’d lied to her about being her dead brothers friend at her dead brothers memorial orchard. He’d never been there before- of course, he knew where it was (he’d driven past it many times, but never gotten out because… well… he didn’t feel like he deserved it, after all he’d done). Evan took another deep breath, forcing down the panic that was bubbling in his chest.

 

Zoe had wanted to see him. Wanted to talk. She wouldn’t run when she saw him. Even after all that he’d done, she wouldn’t… _Right?_

 

Evan took another deep breath, stepping out of his parked car. He looked up at the gate, his eyes finding the rows of growing trees inside. As he got closer, his eyes found the plaque that stood outside the gate;

 

_The Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard_

 

_Connor Murphy_

_January 5th, 1999 - September 18th, 2017_

 

_You Will Be Found_

 

Evan smiled a little, pausing by it. It felt wrong- to be here, at the memorial orchard of his fake dead best friend. He wasn’t entirely sure why Zoe had wanted to meet here, of all places… But… Maybe it could do some good- this lie that Evan had fabricated. Maybe this orchard will someone’s safe haven. Maybe someone will see those words- _You Will Be Found_ \- and make a life-saving call or text. Maybe…

 

He took another deep breath and walked inside.

  


****************************

  


She was sitting on a bench a little ways inside, surrounded by rows and rows and rows of wooden stakes stuck in the ground with small trees tied to each one. The sky seemed to roll on forever in front of her, the green field vast and wide. It was beautiful… Evan sucked in the air before speaking. “Hey.”

 

She whirled around to face him, going to her feet and backing up a little- not to get away from him, Evan hoped, but he didn’t blame her if she was. Her eyes widened as they found him and she smiled a little. “Hi.” For a moment, Evan couldn’t speak- _Zoe Murphy_ was standing there, smiling at him. She hadn’t changed- the way she wore her hair, her wide eyes, the way that she stood- confident and kind…

 

Evan realized he was staring and looked away before asking, “How are you?” He looked back up and met her eyes again.  

 

Zoe smiled, brushing a strand of her hair out of her eyes. “Good, pretty good.”

 

“You graduate soon, right?” Evan asked, sticking his hands in his pockets.

 

She nodded, sighing. “In two weeks.”

 

“Wow.” Evan smiled. “How’s being a senior?”

 

“Busy.” She admitted.

 

His smile widened. “I remember that.”

 

“How’s being a freshman?” Zoe asked.

 

“Oh.” Evan’s eyes widened and he looked away for a moment before adding. “Well. I actually decided to take a year off…”

 

“Oh.” Her tone had dropped slightly, perhaps remembering the failed dinner party that, in a way, had started the downfall of Evan’s lie. Not that she knew all that their efforts to give Evan a college fund had done.

 

Evan nodded, explaining further so it didn’t sound so sad. “Yeah. Try to save some money. Get a job… I’ve been taking classes at the community college. So I’ll have some credits to transfer in the fall.”

 

“That’s smart.” Zoe nodded too. He had missed talking to her- he realized, suddenly. Evan had missed Zoe more than he realized. Being with her again, just talking… Even after all that had happened, even though there was a little awkwardness to it… It meant so much to him. That after everything- after the fights with Jared, Alana, and his mom, after sending Alana the note, after causing the Murphy’s so much pain… He and Zoe could just talk.

 

“Yeah, we’ll see…” Evan looked up and quickly added, “In the meantime, though, I can get you a friends and family discount at Pottery Barn.” Zoe smiled a little wider, which almost encouraged Evan to keep talking- for once, he _wanted_ to keep talking. “If you’re looking for… overpriced home decor.”

 

“You know, not at the moment…” She said, in the way that she always did- the way that had made them so compatible, the way that made it so easily for Evan to bounce off of her words straight into his next sentence without feeling rushed or weird or… himself. In a way, it was almost as if nothing had changed.

 

But then again, everything had changed.

 

Despite his thoughts, Evan laughed a little. “Well, if you change your mind… I’m only working there for a few more months, though, so the window of opportunity is closing fast.”

 

Zoe laughed, her eyes on Evan’s. Neither of them looked away, not knowing what to say, but the sounds of the orchard filled the silence well. Zoe spoke a moment later. “I always imagine you and Connor here. Even though, obviously…”

 

Evan looked out at the sky, unable to look at Zoe. He didn’t know whether or not to apologize- properly, this time, instead of his first apology where he rambled and cried and panicked for what had seemed like hours. “This is my first time.” He said softly, his eyes on the sky and the growing trees. “I mean, I’ve probably driven by it a thousand times. I just…” He paused, unsure whether or not to admit his thoughts. They spilled out anyways. “Every time I think about getting out of the car, I feel like… I don’t know. I just… like I don’t deserve to, I guess.” Evan made himself look back at Zoe. She didn’t look mad. More sad and cautious, as if she didn’t know how to navigate the topic. Evan didn’t either. “It’s nice. Peaceful.”

 

She nodded. “My parents, they’re here all the time.” Zoe walked forwards, towards him. “We do picnics, like, every weekend. It’s helped them. A lot, actually. Having this.”

 

Evan took another breath, forcing his next words out because he felt like he needed to say them. “They never told anyone…” His words faltered for a second before he made himself keep going. He took a step towards Zoe, almost without realizing it. “About Connor’s, about the note. About… who really wrote it.” Zoe nodded slightly and Evan kept going, shaking his head slightly. “They didn’t have to do that. They could have told everyone… what I did.”

 

Her tone was soft, but also… different. Lower, almost because they’d finally reached the conversation that they’d been meaning to have. “Everyone needed it… for something.”

 

He shook his head again. “That doesn’t make it okay.”

 

“It saved my parents.” Zoe met his gaze again before looking out at the rows of seedlings.

 

Another thought came to Evan and he looked down, shaking his head slightly, unsure if it was the right thing to say or not- but not entirely _caring_ either. “It’s weird. I, um… Over the fall, I found this, um… yearbook thing my class made in either grade.” He made himself look back up at Zoe. “Most people did, like, collages of their friends. Connor’s was a list of his ten favorite books. I’ve been trying to read all of them.” He was on the 3rd one, _Wind, Sand and Stars_ by Antoine de Saint-Exupéry. Quickly, Evan added, “I know it’s not the same thing as knowing- it’s not, at all, but I don’t know, it’s…”

 

“Something.” Zoe smiled, understanding what Evan was trying to say. Evan smiled a little back as Zoe added. “It’s been… hard. It’s been a hard year.”

 

“I know.” It had been for Evan too. One of the longest in his life- which was saying something- but... he’d… well, he’d been getting better. Or trying to, at least. He wasn't perfect- he knew that, _god_ he knew that- but, he was trying, he was really _really_ trying this time. And that was the first step. It was better than he’d done in years. “I’ve been wanting to call you for a long time.” Evan found himself admitting as he took another step towards Zoe. He wasn’t sure what he would do when he reached her, but Evan just felt… drawn to her. “I didn’t really know what I would say, but then I just… I decided to call anyways.”

 

Zoe smiled a little more, her eyes on Evan’s. Her gaze was soft and made him feel warm and… guilty, for even hurting her. “I’m happy you did.”

 

Evan glanced out at the rows of trees, his heart aching slightly. “I wish we could have met now.” He confessed, looking back at her. “Today. For the first time.”

 

“Me too.” Her eyes were on his. For a moment, neither of them did anything. Evan went to take another step forwards when Zoe suddenly moved, looking to her bag, which was sitting on the bench. “I should probably…”

 

Evan immediately stepped backwards, nodding. _He’d done something hadn’t he, he always did something_ \- He stopped his train of thought there, the way Dr. Sherman had told him to do. It raced on in the back of his mind, but Evan forced himself to ignore it. _She probably just has to go, right?_  “Of course.” He nodded.

 

“It’s just, exams are this week…” Zoe grabbed her bag, pulling it over her shoulder. 

 

 _See, she just has to go study for exams- it isn't anything that he did_. Evan forced himself to take a quick breath. “No, totally. Just- can I ask you, though?” Evan said quickly, stopping her before she could leave. Her eyes met his again and his heart leapt, his thoughts leaving his mind. Evan took another shaky breath before gesturing out to the rows of trees, his question from earlier coming back. “Why did, um… why did you want to meet here?”

 

Zoe paused, looking out at the sky and the trees and everything that Evan’s lie had created. “I wanted to be sure you saw this.” She said softly before looking back at him. Silence fell between them and Zoe bowed her head slightly, walking away, and Evan was alone.

 

Slowly, Evan looked out to the orchard too. His chest felt heavy but warm, his eyes taking in everything that they could. His lungs couldn’t get enough of the fresh air. He felt like crying, but he wasn’t sad- not entirely. Yes, he was alone, again, in an orchard but… So much had happened since that day, nearly two years ago and… despite the good and the bad, Evan had realized something. Maybe more than just one something- he’d realized that, no matter what else, being himself was enough.

 

Almost to prove it to the empty space, to the trees, to the _world_ , Evan took a shaky breath and began to speak. “Dear Evan Hansen…” The words felt heavy in his mouth- mostly because they had so much power in their own way. “Today is going to be a… a good day. And here’s why- because today, no matter what else, today at least… You’re you. No hiding, no lying. Just… you. And that’s… that’s enough.”

 

Evan sank down onto the bench, watching the sky and the clouds and the beautiful world around him. It seemed like time was still- like nothing mattered at all. There was nowhere Evan had to be, no one that he had to please… He could just be here, alone, and… okay.

 

After all of this time… Evan was okay.

  


****************************

  


_Maybe someday, everything that happened… Maybe it will all feel like a distant memory._

_Maybe someday no one will even remember about The Connor Project. Or me._

_Maybe some day, some other kid is going to be standing here,_

_Staring out at the trees,_

_Feeling so… alone._

_Wondering if maybe the world might look different from all the way up there._

_Better._

_Maybe he’ll start climbing, one branch at a time, and he’ll keep going._

_Even when it seems like he can’t find another foothold._

_Even when it feels… hopeless._

_Like everything is telling him to let go._

_This time… Maybe this time he won’t let go._

_He’ll just… hold on._

_And he’ll keep going._

_He’ll keep going until he sees the sun_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END
> 
>  
> 
> Wow, I can’t believe that I actually finished this. It’s kind of crazy. 
> 
> I love this musical so so damn much and I really really hope that I somehow managed to do it justice. It means so much to me and I wanted to try to share that with anyone who read this. 
> 
> If anyone actually DID read all of this, then I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart. Any and all feedback, as I’ve said 13 other times, is welcome! I’ll take anything. Just let me know what you thought!
> 
> I guess there isn’t really anything left to do now except press post.
> 
> Again, thank you for reading and keep on going until you see the sun <3

**Author's Note:**

> If you've gotten down here, then hi! Thank you so much for reading!
> 
> Like I explained in the summary, yes, this is basically just the musical with Evan's inner monologue. I'm using the script of the show (as you probably could tell from this first chapter), but if I need too, I will add little scenes in between the bigger, show scenes to explain more or add extra context/understanding/context/whatever. 
> 
> I'll try to update once a week, but once school starts back up again, I'm not sure how regular I can make the updates. If it seems like I've forgotten, just remind me and I'll update as soon as I can :)
> 
> Please tell me what you thought- any sort of review is worth so much to me and will help me figure out how the hell to do this (lol I had too). 
> 
> Thank you so much for reading!!


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